Karin Alvtegen - Shame

Maj-Britt herself experienced the respite as mostly pleasant. The tablets that Ellinor had picked up relieved the pain, and as long as she didn’t hear any news there were really no decisions to be made. She stayed right there in the flat doing what she always did, sitting from one silence to the next. The only thing that was different was that the pain in her back was better, and she wasn’t eating so much anymore. It wasn’t merely the nausea that stopped her. The urge to stuff something in her mouth had been checked, and it was suddenly easy to refrain although she didn’t really understand why. Something had retreated when she dared follow all her thoughts to their conclusion. When she approached all the intolerable memories and recognised their repulsiveness, she no longer had to hide from them. Didn’t have to flee. They still hurt just as much as she had always known they did, deep inside, and now that she acknowledged it, they couldn’t scare her anymore. They were losing their power.

She saw Ellinor coming along the walkway down below. It looked cold outside. Her midriff was bare between her jersey and trousers, and Maj-Britt shook her head. That thin denim jacket wasn’t enough for this time of year. But it was apparent that all those little self-assured plastic buttons that decorated it might have stopped the worst of the cold from penetrating. She saw Saba lumber across the lawn to meet her, and Ellinor looked up at the balcony door and waved. Maj-Britt waved back. And she felt something warm inside.

‘She’s going to come by at two. She said nothing about test results or anything else, but wanted to talk to you in person.’

Ellinor was squatting and untying her boots as she talked. Maj-Britt felt a momentary loathing at the thought of letting that doctor in her flat again, but then she remembered her hold on her and it felt a little better. If you knew where you had each other, everything was so much easier. As long as neither person had the upper hand. That doctor might hold the answers to the mysteries of her body, and she could easily make use of that, but if she did, Maj-Britt had made sure she possessed adequate countermeasures.

No one would ever be allowed to do anything to her again unless she gave her express permission.

It was only a few minutes until two o’clock. Maj-Britt took her place in the easy chair with a view of the parking area, but she hadn’t seen anything of the car when the doorbell rang, strangely enough. This was a little miscalculation that she didn’t care for, the fact that she hadn’t sufficiently prepared herself.

Ellinor went and opened the door.

‘Hello, how nice of you to come by.’

The doctor replied briefly, and a minute later Maj-Britt had both of them in the living room. She noticed that the doctor had something in her hand that looked like a small grey briefcase with a cord and some knobs on it.

‘Hello, Maj-Britt.’

Maj-Britt gave the apparatus in her hand a suspicious glance.

‘What’s that?’

‘Could I sit down for a moment?’

Maj-Britt nodded and the doctor – no way was she going to call her Monika – sat down on the sofa, placing the strange object on the table in front of her. She took some papers out of her handbag. Maj-Britt didn’t take her eyes off her, registering every little movement. She observed with interest that the papers in her hand were shaking a bit.

‘So, here it is.’

The doctor unfolded the papers. Ellinor was watching her attentively. Maj-Britt turned and looked towards the window instead. She really did not feel particularly interested.

‘Your sedimentation rate is abnormally high, and your blood count is quite low. The sample showed no bacteria in the urine, and I found none after culturing either, so we can definitely rule out any infection in the urinary tract. A kidney stone was another thought I had, but then the pain would have come more suddenly, and besides it wouldn’t affect the sedimentation rate.’

She paused and Maj-Britt kept her eyes on the swings outside. What she did not suffer from was even less interesting to her.

‘So I’m healthy then?’

‘No, you’re not.’

There was a brief pause when everything was still safe.

‘I need to do an ultrasound.’

Still on her guard, Maj-Britt turned her head and met the doctor’s gaze.

‘I’m not going anywhere.’

‘No, we can do it here.’

The doctor placed her hand on the apparatus on the table. Maj-Britt felt trapped. She had made up her mind not to go through any more examinations. Her refusal to leave the flat should have taken care of that, but now this doctor had dragged in equipment that would make it possible. What bad luck.

‘And what if I refuse?’

‘Maj-Britt!’

It was Ellinor. The boundary between entreaty and exasperation was gone.

Maj-Britt looked out the window again.

‘What do you think you might find with this ultrasound?’

It was Ellinor asking about the details that Maj-Britt herself had absolutely no interest in, and the two women began to discuss her possible ailment.

‘I’m not sure, of course, but I need to take a look at her kidneys.’

‘What do you think it might be?’

Again there was a pause, but all sense of calm was now gone. It was as if the word already lay quivering in the room, before it had even been uttered. Floating in one last moment of innocence.

‘It might be a tumour. But as I said,’ she added quickly, ‘I’m not one hundred percent certain.’

A tumour. Cancer. That was a word she had heard on TV many times and it had never passed by entirely unnoticed. But at that moment she realised that when something was mentioned that might possibly exist in her own body, then it felt considerably different. Then the word came alive, transformed into an image of something black and evil inside. It was almost possible to imagine a monster living inside her that swallowed everything in its path and kept growing bigger.

And yet she was not particularly afraid. It was more as if yet another thought she had not dared follow to its conclusion had finally been confirmed. Because why shouldn’t her body have cancer? It would be its last triumph over her futile, lifelong resistance. Lying in ambush and nourishing a growth in order to take its revenge once and for all, to conquer her.

And she realised that she had to know.

‘How is such a procedure done?’

Because in some way she did feel the need to have it confirmed.

The room was utterly silent. Maj-Britt was back in the easy chair. Ellinor leant forward in the sofa with her head in her hands. And in the middle of the room the doctor stood packing up her fancy apparatus which had just reinforced the suspicions that they all clearly shared. Maj-Britt was pleased to confirm that the doctor’s hands were still trembling. For some reason it made her feel better to see that.

‘As far as I could tell the tumour is still contained within the surface of the kidney, but of course we have to do a contrast X-ray to know for sure. From what I saw there were no signs of metastasis, but that also has to be checked. But it was large, so it’s high time to have it removed.’

Maj-Britt felt strangely calm. She looked towards the window again. At the swings that she had looked at for more than thirty years but had never seen up close.

‘And if it’s not removed?’

No one answered, but after a while she heard a little puffing sound from Ellinor.

‘Well, what if it’s not removed?’

Now it was Maj-Britt’s turn to be silent. She had said everything that needed to be said.

‘Maj-Britt, what do you mean by that? You must realise that you have to get rid of it! Isn’t that right, Monika? How long can someone live with that sort of tumour if it isn’t treated?’