Karin Alvtegen - Shame

‘You can put on her red pyjamas afterwards. They’re hanging on one of the hooks.’

She turned her head and caught sight of the red pyjamas. Changed the nappy and did as Pernilla said. On the way back to the kitchen she passed the chest of drawers. The candle had burned down and his face lay in shadow behind the white urn. He said nothing when she passed by, left her in peace.

‘Please help yourself. I’m sure it’s not as good as what you usually serve, I’m not very good at cooking. Mattias cooked most of the time.’

Daniella sat in her high chair and Pernilla put an unsalted biscuit on the mat in front of her. Monika looked at the food on the table. It was going to be impossible to eat anything, but she had to try.

They ate for a while in silence. Monika moved the food about on her plate and occasionally put a tiny bite in her mouth, but her body refused to swallow. Each time she tried it got more difficult.

‘Monika.’

She looked up. Felt herself immediately on guard despite her fatigue and confusion. It was a risk to be here. Now that she had already lost control.

‘I’d like to apologise.’

Monika sat quite still. Pernilla put down her knife and fork and gave Daniella another biscuit before she went on.

‘I know that sometimes I’ve been pretty unpleasant when you’ve been here, but I just couldn’t manage to be polite.’

Monika’s mouth was dry and she had to swallow before she could get any words out.

‘You most certainly have not been unpleasant.’

‘Yes, I have been, but I’ve done the best I could. Sometimes it just gets so hard that I simply can’t bear it.’

Monika put down her knife and fork too. The fewer things she needed to concentrate on the better. She had to try and pull herself together. Focus. Pernilla had just offered to apologise for something. She had to think of something to say.

‘You really don’t need to apologise for anything.’

Pernilla looked down at her plate.

‘I just want you to know I appreciate that you can still stand to come here.’

Monika raised her water glass and took a little sip.

‘After my accident a lot of our friends disappeared. It seemed almost natural, they all just faded away. I always had pain in my back and we didn’t have any money either, and most of our friends were still into scuba diving.’

Monika took another sip. It was almost possible to hide behind the water glass.

‘Now, after what’s happened, I can finally admit that I feel a little disappointed that so few of them bothered to call. All of a sudden it was clear how lonely we’ve been.’

Pernilla looked at her and smiled, almost shyly.

‘So, what I’m trying to say is just that I’m glad we’ve got to know each other. You’ve really been a big help.’

Monika tried to take in what she was hearing. Sensed that this was what she had been striving for the whole time, and she ought to be happy now that she had finally received the proof of her success. Then why did she feel this way? She had to go home. Home to her sleeping pills. But first she had to go to the clinic with Maj-Britt’s samples. When she was sure that everyone had gone home she would go in there and analyse them. Because she had promised. And you have to keep your promises.

She jumped when the telephone rang. Pernilla got up and went into the living room. Monika sneaked over to the rubbish bag under the sink and scraped off her plate with a piece of clingfilm that was lying on the top.

She could hear Pernilla answer the phone in the living room.

‘Pernilla.’

She hid the food underneath an empty milk carton.

‘Well, that’s to be expected, I don’t really know what you want me to say.’

Pernilla’s voice had taken on a hard tone and she was silent for a long time. Monika went back to the table with her plate and used her fork to erase any traces left by the plastic wrap. Then Pernilla spoke again and the words made Monika’s fear surge up through her confusion.

‘Honestly, I wish you wouldn’t call me again. What happened happened, all of it, but I think it’s a bit much to expect me to be consoling you .’

She was apparently interrupted but continued a few seconds later.

‘No, but that’s how it feels. Goodbye.’

Silence. Everything was quiet. Only Monika’s heart refused to adapt itself to the calm. Pernilla reappeared and went to sit down on her chair. At the same moment Monika’s mobile rang. It wasn’t her intention to answer it, as she began to fumble for the handbag by her feet, just to shut off the insistent ringing. She glanced at the display and saw Åse’s name. Her hand shook as she managed to cancel the call. She could feel Pernilla watching her but answered before she could ask the question.

‘It was nothing important. Only my mother, but I can ring her later.’

Pernilla pushed away the plate in front of her even though it was still full of food.

‘It was that woman who drove the car that called me.’

Daniella dropped her biscuit on the floor and Monika gratefully leaned down to pick it up. So she could be out of sight for a second.

‘She was here a few days after the accident too. She came here wanting to apologise or whatever.’

Pernilla snorted.

‘I’d taken so many pills that I probably didn’t really understand what was going on. I’ve thought about it quite a lot afterwards. I was sorry I didn’t just tell her to go to hell. How the fuck can she think that I would forgive her?’

Suddenly, Pernilla was sitting at the other end of a tunnel. Monika stared at her face, which was surrounded by a surging, dark-grey mass. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again only to be met by the same image. And she wondered why the water was running, who had turned on the tap, why it was roaring like that.

‘What is it? Don’t you feel well?’

She was breathing with quick, short breaths.

‘I’m all right, but I have to go now.’

‘But I’ve got dessert too.’

Monika got up from her chair.

‘I have to go now.’

Her movement made the tunnel disappear. The roaring was still there but she saw that the tap was turned off, so the sound must be coming from some other flat.

She staggered out to the hall, holding on to door frames and walls for support. Pernilla followed her.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yes, but I have to go now.’

She pulled on her boots and coat. Pernilla was holding her handbag and gave it to her.

‘I’ll ring you tomorrow.’

Monika didn’t reply, just opened the front door. She had to go now. Pernilla had asked her to stay but she had to go. She could come back some other day, because Pernilla was her friend and was grateful for their friendship. For everything Monika had done for her. She hadn’t told her to go to hell the way she wanted to do with Åse. No, the two of them were real friends now, and you could count on real friends. They never lied to each other. They were there in good times and bad and were always willing to help out.

Pernilla had one friend left, and that was the honourable Monika Lundvall.

If she somehow betrayed her too, Pernilla would be utterly alone.

Maj-Britt was standing by the balcony door waiting for Saba to come back inside. The dog had just squeezed out through the gap in the balcony railing and vanished from view down on the lawn.

Maj-Britt had shoved the easy chair over next to the window and had spent most of the past two days sitting there, but nothing very exciting had happened outside. The doctor had visited the widow once. The same day she had seen Maj-Britt and done her disgusting examination, she had shown up again towards evening, but after that she had not put in an appearance. She hadn’t called about the test results either, but that didn’t make much difference. Ellinor was the one who was waiting impatiently.