Karin Alvtegen - Shame

She heard the front door close. Bye, Ellinor. We won’t be seeing each other again.

Suddenly, utterly without warning, she felt a hard lump in her throat. No matter how she tried to swallow it, she couldn’t. Tears came too; quite without cause they welled up over her eyelids, and to her horror she felt that she couldn’t stop them. It was as if something were breaking inside her, and she hid her face in her hands.

A sorrow too heavy to bear.

Finally defeated, she was forced to acknowledge how foolish her longing was. No matter how much she wished that there was someone, just one person, who would voluntarily stay with her for a little while without having to be paid to do it, it would never happen.

She had called her work to take five days of the leave she was due. She had lost track of how much she had accumulated, because until now it had never interested her. Five weeks’ holiday per year was more than she ever wanted, and over the years the unused days had piled up. They hadn’t asked why she wanted to take the time off, and she knew that she had the confidence of management. A conscientious department head like herself would never stay away from her job so long unless there was a serious reason for it.

In the days that followed she went to see Pernilla every afternoon. She had told her that she would be the only one coming from the crisis group in future, and Pernilla took the news without displaying a hint of either joy or dislike. Monika took it as a good sign. For the time being she was content merely to be accepted.

She spent the greater part of her time outdoors with Daniella. The playground soon became a bore, so their walks grew longer. Slowly but surely she managed to win Daniella’s trust, and she knew that it was a good route to take, to reach the mother through the child’s approval. Because it was Pernilla who held the power. Monika was aware of this every second of the day.

There was an ever-present risk of being suddenly banished; Pernilla might think they could get along better without her help. The mere thought of someday no longer being welcome made Monika realise to what lengths she was prepared to go to avoid being sent away. She had so much more to put right.

Once a friend of Pernilla’s came by, and Monika had mixed feelings when she had to go away and leave them alone. Of course she should have been glad for Pernilla’s sake, but at the same time she wanted to be part of what was happening, wanted to know what they talked about, whether Pernilla had any plans for the future that Monika didn’t know about. But most often Pernilla would just take a nap while Monika and Daniella set off on their excursions. Monika tried to stay in the flat when they returned, to show how well she and Daniella were getting along. Most of the time Pernilla would retreat to the bedroom, and they didn’t talk much with each other, but Monika enjoyed every second she was allowed to be there. Only Mattias’s eyes made her feel ill at ease. They watched her from the chest of drawers when she sat on the floor and played with Daniella. But maybe he was beginning to understand that she was there for a good purpose, now that she returned faithfully every day to assume her responsibilities.

Although Pernilla didn’t say much, Monika felt that she was making a contribution just by being in the flat, and each time she left, her sense of calm remained for a couple of hours. The feeling that she had succeeded in the first stage of an honourable undertaking.

That she had earned a moment’s respite. And she also realised how meaningless everything else had become. As if all the trivialities were peeled away and only a single purpose for her existence was left. But after a few hours the heart palpitations came back. She knew her science, knew exactly what sort of automatic changes were taking place in her body. That its sole purpose was to maximise her chances of survival. Fear directed her blood to the large muscles and her liver released its supply of glucose to give them fuel to work with; the pounding in her ears was her heart working to raise her blood pressure. Her spleen contracted to squirt out more red blood cells and raise the blood’s capacity for oxygen uptake, while adrenaline and nor-adrenaline streamed through her body. But this time it did no good that she had received the highest marks in all her exams. What they had forgotten to teach her was how to handle the reaction. Her whole body was working to help her to flee, but what did you do when it wasn’t possible to flee? In the daytime she felt like she was inside a glass bubble, shielded from everything happening outside, as if it no longer concerned her. In the evenings she drove to the gym to exhaust herself with a hard workout, but she couldn’t fall asleep when she finally went to bed. When she turned off the light the fear came creeping in. And the confusion. The thoughts she had managed to fend off in the daytime by staying in continuous motion demanded attention in the dark, but that was out of the question. She suspected that her thoughts might make her doubt what she was doing, and for that reason she had every right to keep them at a distance. Since nothing ever conformed to reason or fairness, she was fully justified in planning her own strategy to bring order to the system. The forces that ruled life and death lacked all logic and discrimination. No acceptance was possible. She had to find an opportunity to make amends.

When she finally got to sleep, other dangers were lurking. Thomas would appear in her dreams. He came and went at will and awakened a longing in her that left everything reeling. What she had purposely forced her brain to forget remained as a memory in her body, and her hands refused to ward it off.

She wrote herself a prescription for sleeping pills as a means of defence.

After that she was left in peace.

On the third day she gathered her courage and suggested that she stay and fix dinner for them that evening. Yes, and go out to run errands first, of course. She added that she didn’t mind at all. Pernilla hesitated only briefly, but then admitted that it would really be appreciated. Her back had grown worse since she was alone, and she hadn’t been to her chiropractor in over three weeks. Monika knew that she didn’t have the money, but she needed to hear it from Pernilla and above all she needed more details. She hoped to find out more during dinner.

She stood in the hall putting on her coat, having decided to make beef Wellington with pommes au gratin. She was wondering whether to buy a bottle of wine when Pernilla came out to the hallway.

‘By the way, I’m a vegetarian. I don’t think I told you, did I?’

Monika smiled.

‘What luck. I didn’t want to say that I was because I thought you might want to have meat. How long have you been a vegetarian?’

‘Since I was eighteen.’

Monika fastened the last button on her coat.

‘Is there anything you particularly feel like having?’

Pernilla sighed.

‘No. To be honest, I’m not even very hungry.’

‘You ought to try and eat. I’ll find something at the grocer’s. Would you like a glass of wine, by the way? I can stop at the off-licence and buy a bottle if you like.’

Pernilla thought for a bit.

‘Someone else from the crisis group who was here said I should be careful with alcohol for the time being. It’s apparently quite common to start consoling yourself with a couple of glasses of wine in the evening when you’re in my situation.’

Monika didn’t reply, but wondered briefly if she had been rebuked. But then Pernilla went on.

‘But there’s not much risk of that, because I can’t afford to buy any. I would very much like to have a glass of wine.’

Monika spent a long time choosing vegetables. She didn’t know any vegetarian recipes, and finally she asked one of the staff for help. Oh yes, there were various recipe suggestions on a stand over there by the dairy counter, and she picked one with chanterelles that looked rather luxurious and that she thought she could manage to prepare. She was feeling almost excited when she went back to her car with bags filled with food. Pernilla’s trust in her seemed to have grown, and the threat of being sent away seemed less imminent. And tonight they would eat dinner together. They would have a chance to get to know each other a little better and she didn’t intend to disappoint Pernilla. She had just put down the bags to take out her car keys when she saw it. She didn’t see where it came from, but suddenly it was standing there on the pavement, right next to one of the bags. A silver-grey pigeon with iridescent purple wings. Monika dropped her car keys. With tiny black eyes it was staring accusingly at Monika, and she was suddenly afraid that the pigeon would do her harm. Without taking her eyes off it, she bent down and picked up her keys, unlocked the car and opened the door. Not until she picked up the bags did it flutter off in alarm above the parking lot, and she loaded the shopping into the car as quickly as she could. She locked the doors before she drove off.