Karin Alvtegen - Shame

Göran stared at him. Her father continued. Each syllable was like the crack of a whip.

‘You wondered what sort of problems she has had. Self-abuse, that’s what it’s called!’

Jesus Christ, let me get out of this. Lord forgive me for all I have done. Help me, please, help me!

How could they know?

‘Fornication, Maj-Britt, that’s what you’ve been devoting yourself to. What you’re doing is sinful and is considered apostasy from the true path.’

Göran looked bewildered. As if the words he heard were spoken in a language that was foreign to him. When her father spoke again she flinched from the power in his voice.

‘Maj-Britt, I want you to look me in the eye and answer my question. Is it true as he says that you intend to leave here with him? Is that what you came here to tell us?’

Maj-Britt’s mother broke into tears and rocked back and forth with her face hidden in her hands.

‘You know that Christ died on the cross for our sins. He died for your sake, Maj-Britt, for your sake! And now you do this to Him. You will be eternally damned, shut out forever from God’s kingdom.’

Göran stood up.

‘What kind of nonsense is this?’

Her father stood up, too. Like two fighting cocks they stood face to face, measuring each other across the ironed tablecloth. Saliva sprayed out of her father’s mouth when he answered the blasphemous outburst.

‘You emissary of Satan! The Lord will punish you for this, because you have enticed her into depravity. You will come to regret this, mark my words.’

Göran went over to Maj-Britt’s chair and held out his hand.

‘Come, Majsan, we don’t have to stay and listen to this.’

Maj-Britt couldn’t move. Her leg was still tied to the chair.

‘If you leave now, Maj-Britt, then you won’t be welcome in this house again.’

‘Come on, Majsan!’

‘Do you hear that, Maj-Britt? If you choose to go with this man then you will have to face the consequences. A poisonous root must be severed from the others so as not to spread its infection. If you go now you will renounce your Congregation and your right to God’s mercy, and you are no longer our daughter.’

Göran took her hand.

‘Come now, Majsan, we’re going.’

The clock on the wall struck five times, flinging out the exact time into the room. And just at that moment she did not know that a big red blot was taking shape in the calendar.

Maj-Britt stood up. She let Göran’s hand lead her out to the hall and then, after he helped her on with her jacket, out the door. Not a sound was heard from the living room. Not even the moaning of her mother. Only a withering silence that would never end.

Göran pulled her with him down the garden walk and out through the gate, but there he stopped and took her in his arms. Her arms hung at her sides.

‘They’ll come around. You just have to give them a little time.’

Everything was empty. There was no joy, no relief that the lies were over, no anticipation of the opportunities that awaited. She couldn’t even share Göran’s anger. Only a huge black sorrow at all the ineptitude. Her own and her parents’. At Göran’s, who could not understand what he had caused in there. And at the Lord’s, who had created them all with free will, but who still damned those who did not do His will. Who was always intent on punishing her.

She had longed so much for them to be able to sleep together a whole night, and now they would finally be able to do it, but everything had been ruined. She wanted Vanja to come, and Göran borrowed his parents’ car and drove over to get her. During the trip he told Vanja in detail about the visit to Maj-Britt’s home, and Vanja was fuming with anger when she came in the door.

‘Damn it, Majsan. Don’t you let them destroy this, too! You’ve got to show them instead.’

Göran made one pot of tea after another, and as the night wore on Maj-Britt listened to Vanja’s increasingly fantastic interpretations of the problem. She even managed to make Maj-Britt laugh a few times. But it was at the end of a long persuasive tirade that she suddenly said the words that truly startled Maj-Britt.

‘You have to dare to let go of the old if you want to make room for the new, don’t you think? Nothing can start to grow if there isn’t

any room.’

Vanja fell silent as if she herself were pondering what she had said.

‘Jesus, that was really good.’

And she asked Göran for a pen and quickly jotted down her words on a piece of paper. She read them silently to herself and then let out a big laugh.

‘Ha! If I ever write that book I’m going to put those words in it.’

Maj-Britt smiled. Vanja and her dreams of being a writer. With her whole heart Maj-Britt wished her all the luck in the world.

Vanja looked at her watch.

‘Just because I came up with such a good point, I have now made up my mind and I take this decision at twenty minutes to four on the fifteenth of June, nineteen hundred and sixty-nine. I’m moving to Stockholm. Then we can move at the same time, Majsan, even if it’s not to the same city, and without me you certainly don’t want to stay here in this hole of a town, do you?’

Both Göran and Maj-Britt laughed.

And when dawn came her confidence had returned. She had chosen correctly and they weren’t going to be allowed to take this away from her. Her wonderful Vanja. Like a stone statue she was always there when Maj-Britt needed her. What would she have done if she hadn’t been there?

Vanja.

And Ellinor.

Maj-Britt listened at the bathroom door. It was quiet in there. The pain in her back had subsided. Only a bearable ache remained. And an urgent need to go to the toilet.

‘I swear to God I don’t know that Vanja.’

Maj-Britt snorted. Go ahead and swear. It doesn’t matter to me. And probably not to Him either.

‘They’re going to be calling for me soon, I was supposed to be with the next client more than half an hour ago.’

It didn’t make any sense. She was never going to get the truth out of her. And soon she was going to wet herself. Maj-Britt sighed, turned round and opened the door. Ellinor was sitting on the toilet seat with the lid down.

‘Get out. I have to go to the toilet.’

Ellinor looked up at her and slowly shook her head.

‘You’re crazy. What the hell are you up to?’

‘I have to pee, I said. Get out.’

But Ellinor stayed where she was.

‘I’m not moving until you tell me why you think I know her.’

Ellinor calmly leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest, sitting there comfortably with her legs crossed. Maj-Britt gritted her teeth. If only she didn’t feel such revulsion at the thought of touching her she would have slapped her. A hard slap across the face.

‘Then I’ll pee on the floor. And you know who gets to clean it up.’

‘Go ahead and do it.’

Ellinor brushed something off her trouser leg. Soon Maj-Britt wouldn’t be able to hold it any longer, but never in her life would she humiliate herself like this, not in front of that loathsome little creature who always managed to get the upper hand. And she definitely couldn’t risk Ellinor discovering blood in her urine, then the little traitor would press the big alarm button. There was only one thing to do, no matter how much she hated the thought.

‘It was just something she wrote in a letter.’

‘In a letter? What did she write?’

‘It has nothing to do with you, can you move now?’

Ellinor stayed where she was. Maj-Britt was getting more and more desperate. She felt a few drops ooze out.

‘I must have misunderstood and I apologise for locking you in here. Okay, will you go now?’

Finally, Ellinor got up, took her bucket and with a sour look went out the door. Maj-Britt hurried to lock it and sat down on the toilet as fast as she could, feeling the relief as her bladder was finally allowed to release the pressure.