John Locke - Now and then

"He can't be that bad."

"He can and he is. Wait-why would you say that? Do you mean to abandon me to my step-father after troubling yourself to bend me over last time and seed me with child?"

"The way you're putting that…"

"Yes?"

"I mean, it weren't no trouble to do it, it was a pleasure!"

"Well, how nice! I'm so glad to hear how much pleasure you took in deflowering me. And now that you've had your pleasure, where does this put us, sir?"

Jack didn't know, but he figured she'd correct him if he said the wrong thing.

"We should definitely be together, I suppose."

"Well there's a start," Abby said. Then, "Do you mean to say you've never given this a thought prior to now?"

"I guess it never came up in my thoughts."

"The selling of wives never came up. Marrying the girl you impregnated never came up. I'll suggest in your world the only thing that comes up is your prick, sir."

Jack didn't know what to say. Up to now, his experience with women had been confined to whores and platonic friendships. Well, there had been a brief fling with a female pirate a few years back, but that encounter served to hurt his dignity more than it offered insight into the workings of a proper woman's mind. Jack didn't remember much of what happened that night in Tortola with the female pirate, except that she'd been rough enough to blush a whore. Now, years later, people still told the tale of Jack Hawley and Dorothy Spider's sexual congress. There was even a popular song composed to commemorate the occasion, which is why to this day Jack refused to dock in Tortola.

"Henry?"

Dorothy had been a savage pirate and fierce bar brawler whose face bore the marks of many battles. While not pirating, she lived in Tortola with a famously fat female tattoo artist named Helen, who lovingly covered Dorothy's battle scars with tattoos. By the time she finished, Dorothy's face looked so much like a spider web that Helen decided to continue etching, to complete the theme. It was right around that time that Dorothy Spider caught Jack in her web during a misguided moment of high heat and heavy drink on his part, and the rest, as they say, is legend.

" Henry," Abby persisted. "Whatever is on your mind? Do you not see me lying on the ground with my legs bent? Is this not why we came to the bushes? So you could spread a little more seed while considering whether or not to abandon me? Perhaps you can thrust hard enough to give me twin bastards to rear on my own. Oh, please do! It will be fun to have this lovely memory in my head in the years to come when my stepfather violates my body and pounds my eyes with his fists."

This visit wasn't turning out quite the way Jack had envisioned during the ride over. The beautiful, shy and charming Abby Winter had somehow turned into what Pim and his mates would at best call a saucy wench. But he had to admit, the view she currently afforded him was an outstanding one, and if Abby meant to give him a ride while angry, maybe she'd give him even better rides in the future if he could find a way to keep her happy.

And so it was with these thoughts that he smiled and dug in and tried not to think of Dorothy Spider.

PIM WOKE TO the chatter in the street. He looked around and realized he'd failed to make it to the lodging house and had instead passed out in the street, where he'd thrown up at least once, and rolled around numerous times in raw sewage. He knew not what time it was, but the auction hadn't started yet, and he was eager to get a front row seat. Checking his pockets and money pouch to make sure he hadn't been robbed, he mentally calculated the worth of a used wife and decided he had money to spare.

But wait-had he imagined it?

He got to his feet and went to the post where he'd seen the sign. In the light of day he had no problem reading the bulletin:

ROUND HER NECK;

IN SUCH A MANNER ON SATURDAY THE 19th of JULY, 1710.

Pim wanted to make himself more presentable by jumping in the river or ocean, whichever was closer, but after inquiring the time from a horrified passerby, he was afraid he'd miss the auction. He went to the nearest house and knocked on the door and offered to pay a half-crown for a basin of water.

"That's a fair price for the basin," the woman allowed, "but where would I get another? You'll have to try someone else."

"I'd be buyin' only the water in the basin, Mum."

"What? Are you daft? Be gone, or I'll call my husband."

Pim produced the coin.

"I've only got used water," she said.

"How used?"

"Two days worth. But it's a full basin. You want it?"

"Aye, and a rag to scrub with."

The lady of the house eyed Pim closely, scrunched her nose and said, "Is that vomit in your beard?"

"Aye, Mum."

"Well in that case you may keep the rag. I wouldn't want to touch it after you've used it."

"You're too kind."

"I'd rather bring a horse turd into my home."

"Yes, Mum. Thank you."

Pim did what he could with the basin of used water, though it smelled worse to him than he did. When he got to the town square he sat on a rock and waited for Captain Jack, whom he sensed was drawing near. Ten minutes later Jack Hawley was standing over him, chewing him out.

"Are you insane? If they see you here they'll lock you up!"

"I'm not a pirate no more, Cap'n."

"What?"

"My sweet Darla's dead, and I'm gonna buy this wife what's bein' sold today."

This was shaping up to be Jack's most interesting shore leave ever. He tried to picture Abby Winter's mother marrying the wild and wooly pirate, Mr. Pim. An unintended smile crossed his face.

"What's so funny?" Pim growled.

"Easy, man. I'm sorry for your loss. I never met Darla, but I know she was special to you. I meant no offense by the smile. It's just the thought of you settling down. Pim: a landlubber!"

Pim nodded. Then said, "You know this woman what's to be sold today?"

"I don't, though I suspect she'll be happy to marry a kind-hearted soul such as yourself."

"Thank you, Jack. I'm not picky. I'm sure she'll do."

Jack looked him over. "You're sober?"

"Mostly. I think."

"Good. Looks like you had a rough night pining for Darla."

"Aye. And I drank some, too."

"And coughed some back, by the look of it."

"Aye."

"You need some money?"

"Why, thank you Cap'n, but no, I did no whorin' so I'm flush."

"Well, do me a favor and act like you know me not."

A hurt expression creased Pim's face.

Jack said, "I'm not ashamed to be in your company, but if some townie recognizes you, they'll lock us both up and I won't be able to rescue you."

Pim nodded. "Aye, you always was a smart one, Cap'n."

"And Mr. Pim?"

"Aye?"

"I'm proud to have served with you."

Pim's eyes moistened. "It's been an honor, Jack."

"Good luck man."

"Thank you, sir."

Wife selling always followed the same public ritual. The wife-in this case, the gray-faced but comely Hester Winter, was led into town by her husband Philip with her hands bound and a halter around her neck. In most cases, wife selling was a spur of the moment decision, and the husband had to make a big noise to draw a crowd. But the enterprising Philip had thought to post notice of his upcoming sale, and so the town square was packed with leering men, derisive women, and ill-mannered children, most of whom shouted profanities and vulgar insults at Hester.