Lisa Scottoline - Save Me

Her blood’s on your hands!

“Don’t take this on, babe.” Leo steered his tablespoon into his rice like a shovel into fresh snow. His tie was off, and his shirtsleeves folded up. “You didn’t do anything wrong. By the way, a reporter called while you were upstairs, so I took the phone off the hook. The hospital has our cells.”

“Good.” Rose tried to rally, sipping some water, but her throat stung. “I pray to God that Amanda is okay.”

“You got her out, and it’s not your fault that she ran back in.”

“You think that’s what happened?”

“It has to be, doesn’t it?” Leo stopped his spoon in mid-air, dripping red curry sauce. “They found her somewhere on the first floor.”

“That can’t be what happened.” Rose felt sick at the thought of Amanda lying there, fire raging around her. “If she tried to run back in, the blond teacher would’ve stopped her.”

“Either the teacher was gone by then, or she didn’t see her. Amanda’s short for her age, isn’t she?”

“Yes.”

“So she got through, somehow. She could have come into the hallway on the opposite side, away from the teacher. With the hallway full of kids in between, it would be easy to miss her.” Leo scooped more sauce onto his rice. “The teachers and staff on the playground missed her, too. You heard Nuru, it was confusing. They had only one fire drill in the new school, so I don’t blame them. But I don’t blame you either, that’s for damn sure.”

Rose tried to imagine the scene on the playground. It would’ve been like the teachers’ parking lot, only worse. Smoke, tears, shouting. “Mrs. Nuru said she was out there, with the class list.”

“Yep. Nuru missed her, too. That’s why she’s pissing on you.”

“That’s not nice.”

“But it’s true.” Leo scoffed. “I was surprised at her. Giving you grief about procedures. I mean, really.”

“Maybe Amanda ran out of the cafeteria, then ran back in, before she went outside. Maybe the blond teacher didn’t see her.”

“Anything’s possible. All I know is, it’s not your fault.”

“My God.” Rose ran shaky fingers through her wet hair. She could still feel the grit, near her scalp. “Nobody can blame me for going back for Melly, can they?”

“Of course not, that’s ass backwards.” A flicker of disapproval crossed Leo’s face, and Rose sensed they should clear the air.

“Are you mad that I got the other kids out first?”

“Look.” Leo shifted forward, his forearms on the table. “I understand why you did. They were in front of you. You couldn’t turn your back on them.”

“Right.” Rose felt relieved.

“It was luck of the draw, who was closer. Bottom line, I’m glad Melly’s okay. We dodged a bullet. You wouldn’t normally put another kid ahead of your own.”

“No.” Rose flushed. It sounded awful, put that way.

“Plus it was an emergency. You had to react on the spot. Explosion. Fire. Ka- boom! ” Leo glanced away, then his gaze shifted back to her and he set down his fork. “But I’m curious about one thing.”

“What?” Rose wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

“Imagine this hypothetical. Let’s say that you’re supposed to take somebody’s kid home, in your car. But you only have one car seat. Two kids, but one car seat.” Leo wiggled two fingers. “Which kid gets the car seat? Your kid or hers?”

“You want me to say that my kid gets the car seat.”

“Uh, hello, yes.” Leo laughed uncomfortably.

“What would you do?”

“I’d give it to my kid, no question.”

“I might not. Maybe. I’d feel guilty about it if I did.”

“Why?” Leo asked, incredulous.

“Because if there were an accident on the way home, and something happened to the other child, I’d feel responsible for her. And I’d feel horrible if my kid got hurt, too.”

“And we always treat other people’s things better than our own, right?”

“Right.”

Leo shook it off. “On that we agree to disagree, and anyway, that’s not this case. You took care of the other kids, you went back for Melly, and in the end, you saved all of them. You were multi-tasker extraordinaire.”

“Not at all.” Rose shook her head. “What about Amanda?”

“You got her to safety. But next time, give Melly the car seat.” Leo smiled, but Rose couldn’t.

“Here’s what’s killing me. If I had delivered Amanda all the way to the playground, she’d be fine now.”

“But then you wouldn’t have had the time to go back for Melly. That’s five minutes more, like the doctor said.” Leo gulped some ice water. “Also, the way you told me, there’s more variables, like the fire in the hallway could have been too high for you to get through. It was no-win, and somehow you managed to win.”

“Not with Amanda hurt.” Rose flashed on Amanda, on the stretcher. The fresh blood on her bandages. “You saw her.”

“But what caused Amanda to get hurt? Who’s at fault? How about the blond teacher who didn’t see her run back in? How about the other lunch mom? What’s her name again?”

“Terry. How’s it her fault?”

“How many lunch moms are there?”

“Two.”

“Okay, two. Two lunch moms for two hundred kids isn’t much.” Leo nodded. “And I would imagine that the lunch moms are supposed to stay in the cafeteria until lunch is over, right?”

“Yes, until all the kids are out, then we go home.”

“So Terry didn’t follow procedure. If she’d stayed in the cafeteria instead of leaving to tell on you, she could have taken Amanda and the other girls to the playground while you went to rescue Melly.” Leo eyed her, trying to see if his message was hitting home. “All of these causes are only ‘but for’ causes. By which I mean, but for Amanda’s running back into the building, she wouldn’t have been hurt. But for Terry’s leaving her post, Amanda wouldn’t have been hurt. But for you talking to the kids about bullying, Amanda wouldn’t have been hurt. But for the bomb or whatever blew up, Amanda wouldn’t have been hurt. You get the idea? If you say yes, I’ll stop.”

Rose smiled. “Yes.”

“No single ‘but for’ cause, including you, caused what happened.”

“Then what did?”

“All of the above. The perfect storm of a terrible situation. No one thing. Everything went wrong, and that’s why Amanda and Melly are in the hospital and three people are dead.” Leo reached across the table and touched her hand. “For you to take the blame on yourself, to the exclusion of everything else, makes no sense.”

“Eileen thinks I didn’t even try.”

“Eileen doesn’t know the facts and she wants someone to blame. She doesn’t know us, either.” Leo cocked his head. “Please, who do you think Eileen would rescue? Melly or Amanda?”

Rose didn’t reply. “That poor kid.”

“Which poor kid? Melly or Amanda? Don’t get mixed up.”

“Amanda is the poor kid. Melly is fine, Amanda isn’t.”

“Point taken.” Leo paused, his eyes softening. “Listen, I know it’s terrible, but you have to be realistic. Amanda might not make it.”

Rose suppressed the emotion that welled up. “I’d hate to be responsible for that.”

“Then don’t. You’re not. We just went through the analysis.”

Mommy!

“Please stop beating yourself up, Ro.” Leo pushed out his chair and got up heavily from the table. “You’re supposed to save your own child. That’s why we each get a mother. My mother would’ve saved me, no question. My mother would’ve walked on bodies to save me, and you’re an even better mother than she was.”