John Locke - The Love You Crave

“That’s the pain I felt in the middle of the night.”

“Yes.”

“But I had my jeans on. I felt them!”

“Your jeans were on top of your legs.”

“You’re an asshole.”

Sam sighs. “The point of botox therapy is for you to wake up after achieving the hardest part, which is the insertion of a large dilator. When you see it inside you, as you did, your brain begins to understand this is something you can do. So that’s the first step.”

“What’s the second?”

“Training your vaginal muscles to respond to the dilator over time.”

“How much time?”

“Hard to say. Months, certainly.”

“It obviously happened that once,” Maybe says. “But it couldn’t happen again. You don’t understand. No one does.”

Sam starts to pull the sheet off her. She grabs it and says, “What the hell are you doing?”

“Check it out,” he says, giving up his grip on the sheet.

She lifts the sheet and peeks beneath it. To her astonishment, the dildo is back where it was earlier.

“Keep your fucking hands off my snatch!” she says.

Sam assumes a defensive posture, with his hands up, guarding his face. He says, “I love you.”

“You’re a degenerate. I never gave you permission to sexually violate me.”

“I know you don’t find me attractive,” Sam says.

“No shit! And it’s not just a matter of looks. You’ve got the whole ‘call me Daddy’ thing going on, and you’re way older than me, which makes it twice as creepy. You’ve made me a kept woman, paying for all these lessons and whatnot, and now you’re trying to collect a sexual payment for it.”

“I won’t argue with anything you said. But whether you believe it or not, I’m a good guy. I’m incredibly smart, talented in many ways that can benefit you, and I love you. I’d do anything for you. Do you believe that?”

“No.”

“Put me to the test.”

“You’d fail.”

“Try me.”

“Fine. Leave your wife.”

“Are you asking me if I’d get a divorce?”

“Yes.”

“Are you offering me anything in return? Anything at all?”

“No.”

“The answer’s yes. If you want me to, I’ll divorce her immediately.”

“Call her.”

“What, right now?”

“Yes. With me listening.”

“It’s seven-fifteen!”

“So?”

“You don’t know Rachel.”

He shrugs, gets his cell phone, and presses a button.

“Put it on speaker,” Maybe says.

He clicks the speaker button.

A woman answers.

“Mmm?”

“Rachel?”

“Huh?”

“It’s me, Sam.”

“Who?”

“Your husband. Sam.”

She yawns. “Where are you?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“What do you want? I’m trying to sleep.”

“I’ve found someone else. I want a divorce.”

“Is this a joke?”

“No. I’m totally serious.”

“Thanks, Sam.”

“You’re welcome.”

The phone goes silent. As he’s about to hang up, she says, “Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“I hope she makes you very happy.”

“Thanks.”

He hangs up.

Maybe says, “She didn’t sound too broken up about it.”

“She’s crying on the inside.”

Maybe laughs. “You’re funny. In a non-comedic sort of way.”

“Thanks,” Sam says.

“Are you really going through with it?”

“The divorce?”

“Yes.”

“I am. Rachel’s in love with someone else. I may as well let her get on with her life.”

“And you just now decided this?”

“I hadn’t considered her feelings till now. I was too angry at her for cheating on me.”

Sam puts the phone on the nightstand and lies down beside her on the bed. She hands him the dilator. “I believe this belongs to you.”

He puts it in his mouth.

“Eew,” she says.

He places it on the night stand and says, “I love you. I’ve loved you for months.”

She’s under the sheet, naked from the waist down. He’s lying above the covers, fully clothed. They remain quiet a long time before Maybe breaks the silence. “I’m not going to be your girlfriend. You know that, don’t you?”

He sighs. “Is it completely impossible for us to have a romantic relationship?”

“Completely.”

“What if we were the last two people on Earth?”

“Even then.”

“So it’s hopeless?”

“Look into my face.”

He does.

“I will never love you.”

“Can I ask why?”

“There are too many reasons to list. But I want someone special, someone who makes me all giddy and girly. I want to have children someday, and a husband with a normal job.”

“You’d be bored shitless.”

“Maybe I would, eventually. But it’d be fun to live the fairy tale for as long as it works.”

“Trust me, the fairy tale’s a myth. That’s why they call it a fairy tale.”

“See? That’s another reason it wouldn’t work between us. You’re too negative.”

“You’re right.”

“You agree?”

“Yes. But here’s the thing.”

He pauses.

“I’m listening.”

“What if the world’s most perfect guy comes along, and you can’t perform?”

“Sexually?”

“Yes. What if there’s a point in your relationship when you want to give him everything, but you can’t, because of the pain, or the fear of pain, whether it’s psychological, physiological, or both. I can’t think of anything sadder than losing the man of your dreams because you can’t give him intimacy.”

“You can’t, huh?”

“I’m being serious.”

“What’s your point?”

“My point is when Mr. Right enters your life, you need to be ready for him. And what I mean by that is you need to feel comfortable. You need to feel confident about your sexuality, and there’s only one way that can be achieved.”

“And what way is that?”

“Practice.”

Maybe bursts into laughter. Her whole body shakes as her laughter cascades from her throat and bounces off the furniture. Tears start to form in her eyes.

“What is so fucking funny?” Sam says.

“You’re the most manipulative bastard I’ve ever met!” she says, then laughs again.

“I admit it. But that doesn’t make me wrong.”

“Yes it does! That’s exactly what makes you wrong.”

“Think about it,” Sam says. “Who could possibly be better to help you get through this? I’m the only man in your life who knows about your sexual issues, and the only person who’s managed to get you dilated without pain. I’ve followed every step of your treatment. I’ve seen you naked. I’ve touched you.”

“Inappropriately!”

“Yes! And that’s behind us, now.”

“You’re insane.”

“We’ve known each other nearly a year. I understand what makes you tick. I’ve invested more than a quarter million dollars turning you into the person you are today. And regardless of what happens, I’m going to continue employing and supporting you, if you let me. And have I mentioned I adore you? I do. And I love you, too, as you know full well. And the best part of all?”

“Yeah?”

“You’ve told me how things are going to be between us, and how they’ll be in the future. And I’m okay with it! I’ll be the guy who loves you, takes care of you, talks to you day and night, for any reason, anytime you wish. I’ll be the guy who makes it possible for you to give yourself to the man of your dreams. And the minute you’re ready to do so, I’ll step aside.”

Maybe shakes her head.

“What?” Sam says.

“I don’t believe any part of it.”

“You know what?”

“What?”