Jose Somoza - Art of Murder

'We ought to complain to Mr Benoit. They should throw her out’

'She should be begging on a street comer.' 'Or working as a whore.'

'Or they could chain her up, put a collar on her, give her an anti-rabies shot, and hand her over to us.'

'No, I don't like puppies. I don't like cleaning up dog poo. Tell me, Hubertus.. ‘ 'What, Arnoldus?' 'Do you think we're happy?'

For an instant, the two brothers stared up at the dark roof of their van, where the bright cyclorama of the Munich night was flashing by.

'It’s hard to tell’ said Hubertus. 'Eternity is a huge tragedy’ 'And it lasts forever’

Shimmering, quivering, the windows of the Wunderbar hotel were reflected in the van's shiny paintwork as it drew up at the front entrance. The four guards took up strategic positions. Saltzer, the leader of the squad, motioned to one of his men, who poked his head into the van's open back door and said something. Hubertus ceremoniously deposited his massive bulk on the pavement, in front of a row of tasselled porters. Arnoldus got his jacket pocket caught on the door handle. He pulled as hard as he could, and the pocket ripped. Too bad: he had about a hundred more made by the same tailor, and he could always wear one of his brother's if need be.

The security agent used a remote control to switch on the lights in the entrance hall to the suite. Background music emerged from dark corners like a sinuously elegant dark fish.

'All clear in the hall, over’ he said, talking into the miniature microphone beneath his mouth.

The living area contained a heated swimming pool, a bar and the painting by Gianfranco Gigli. A promising disciple of Ferrucioli, he had unfortunately died of a heroin overdose two years earlier. Thanks to his death, the few works he had completed (androgynous masked figures dressed in ballet dancer costumes) had soared in value. This Gigli work lay on the floor next to the swimming pool like a silky black panther. The mask had only the absolute minimum of features drawn on it. The entire work was embroidered by the shifting web of light made by the reflections on the surface of the pool. There was a smell of noble woods, and the temperature in this part was much more agreeable than in the rest of the suite. 'All clear in the living room, over.'

The agent's voice echoed from the labyrinth of rooms in the suite. Hubertus had walked over to the steel bar counter and was serving himself champagne. Arnoldus was trying unsuccessfully to reach down to his shoes. He wished one day he could touch his toes. His failure spoilt all his good humour.

'I'll never understand,' he began in a surprisingly quiet tone (he never raised his voice), 'why Mr Benoit doesn't provide us with appliances to help us when we're on tour. I've had an arseful of all this effort I have to make.'

'Arses are round,' Hubertus said, refilling his glass. 'In some people, they are two circles; in others, only one. Bernard's arse, for example… is it one or two?'

Luckily, Arnoldus could easily get his shoes off without needing to use his hands, and he did so. His trousers also came off after simply undoing a button.

'Hubert, do you mind lowering the lights on that wall? They're shining straight in my eyes.' 'If you moved, they wouldn't bother you, Arno.' 'Please…' 'OK. I don't want to argue about it.' 'All clear in the sauna, over' a distant voice moaned.

'Haven't you finished yet, Bernard? We're expecting someone, you asshole.' 'All clear in Bernard, over.' 'All clear in Bernard's little asshole, over.'

The security agent did not even look at them while he checked the living room once more. Their cruel jokes had long since ceased to have any effect on him. He knew why they were so impatient, but he preferred not to think about it. He did not want to have to imagine what would happen in that room when their visitor arrived.

The visitor was almost always accompanied by an adult. If he was a little older, he might come on his own, disguised as a bellboy or a waiter so as not to arouse suspicion. But the normal thing was for him to be with an adult. Bernard did not know what happened afterwards, and did not want to know. Nor did he know when the visitor left, if he did leave, or how and where. That was not his responsibility. The problem… the problem comes from…

It's not that Bernard has moral scruples. It's not that he thinks he's doing something wrong by carrying out orders. He likes working for the Foundation. He earns more than he would anywhere else, his job is not difficult (as long as there are no complications) and Miss Wood and Mr Bosch are ideal bosses. Bernard hopes to save enough to be able to leave work and the city, this and all other cities. He wants to go and live in peace in some remote spot with his wife and small daughter. He knows full well he will never do it, but he thinks about it all the time just the same.

The problem with works like the Monsters, thinks Bernard, is that they can never be substituted. If the Walden twins were not there, who could replace them? Their biographies were essential to the painting just as light and shade were to a Rembrandt. Without their past, Monsters would not be worth a cent: it would not have given rise to all the rivers of ink, all the tonnes of computer bytes; whole books, or encyclopedia entries would not have been written about it; there would have been no TV debates, or ferocious arguments among theologians, psychologists, legal experts, educators, sociologists and anthropologists; no one would have tried to throw shit at them; there would not have been a whole legion of imitators; and nor would there be the astronomical profits generated by the exhibition loans the Van Tysch Foundation made to the world's most important museums and galleries. And that old Hollywood director, Robertson, would not be counting the days until Van Tysch made up his mind to sell the work.

Monsters was the goose that laid the golden eggs. The bad thing was, the goose knew it. 'All clear, over and out.'

'Leaving so soon, Bernard?' 'Don't you like us any more?' 'Of course he likes us, Arno. Bernard's little arse sighs for us.'

Whistling a show tune, Bernard shut the soundproof door between the living room and the hallway. He breathed a sigh of relief. His work was over for the night: Monsters, one of the most valuable works in the entire history of art, was safe and sound. And fortunately, he could no longer hear the twins.

As soon as art becomes divorced from moral considerations, it's on a slippery slope, thinks Bernard. Why can't the Maestro understand that? There are things which can't… which should not ever be turned into art, he thinks.

'I'm going to have a shower,' Arnoldus said. 'I'm still sticky with paint. I hope you haven't drunk all the champagne, Hubert.'

'Of course not, of course not. How could you think I'd be so fucking inconsiderate?'

There's steam in the room: why don't you turn the temperature of the pool down a bit?'

'I like it hot, hot, hot. Mmm.'

Arno flapped his arm dismissively, and walked down the corridor to their luxurious bathroom. The shower taps were turned on, then came the sound of his castrato voice singing an aria.

Hubertus tested the water with his fingers. It was an enormous, circular pool. That is what they had demanded. The Walden brothers adored everything round. Everything that was geometrically in tune with their anatomies. Psychologically in tune with their preferences: the juvenile works from The Circle, for example. One of their favourite fan clubs (they had thousands of fans all over the world) was called The Circle of Monsters. They sent the brothers their round stickers with slogans defending artistic freedom of expression and attacking intolerance.

With Arnoldus' fight with the opera in the background, Hubertus bent forward into the water, and floated off like a buoy that has lost its moorings. His yellow neck label floated on the turquoise water, tugged along by the blubbery cylinder of flesh. In the centre of the pool, Hubertus Walden felt like the Primordial Egg, the solitary Ovule at the supreme moment of fecundation. The water was the same depth all round: if he stood up, it came to just above his belly. Grandpa Paul did not want there to be the slightest chance of them drowning. He half-closed his eyes, sunken in the rolls of fat like a pair of signet rings, as the shimmering light of the water dissolved into white stripes. It was fantastic to live surrounded by luxury, to be caressed by the waves of that immense tank heated to just the right temperature. He wondered if the head of naturally platinum blond hair would reflect up to the ceiling when the light from the walls fell directly on to it.