Jan Karon - In the Company of Others

‘When Dooley came to me, he had the hunched look of an old man, his face was set like flint. I remember how much I wanted to hear him laugh. Just getting a laugh out of the little guy would have been right up there with God smiting a rock and water gushing forth. And, of course, one day he did laugh. And then another day, and another. Healing came as little drops of water, and never the mighty ocean when you need it, Anna.

‘There’s just no way to deal with their suffering, except through love. And there was no way I could gouge that kind of love out of my own selfish hide without the help of God.

‘You’re Bella’s mother, and that’s a great power in itself. I have to believe she loves you very much. Trust that, believe that, as hard as it is to believe right now. Act as if it were true, it can change things.’

‘Her father speaks bitterly of me,’ she said. ‘His image of me seems engraved forever on her heart. Dooley’s parents-what were they like?’

‘His mother and father were both alcoholics. She has since recovered; Clyde hasn’t-I’ve had a couple of run-ins with Clyde. He left the family before the last child was born. In any case, Dooley essentially helped raise the kids until his mother gave them away.’

‘Gave them away?’

‘Four out of five. They’re together again now after many years.’

She closed her eyes. ‘There’s a sense in which I gave Bella away when I let her go.’

‘Yes.’

‘She expects me to give her up again, doesn’t she?’

‘I think she wants you to know she’ll give you up, first.’

She covered her face with her apron and wept, silent.

‘I know time is what you have very little of, Anna. But maybe you could look for a way to spend time with her. I kept far too busy as a working priest; it was up hill and down dale for everyone else, but I could easily find an excuse to let Dooley shift for himself. I remember when God spoke to my heart about this-about how he shows his love by being as near to us as our very breath. Bella says she’s lonely here-that’s something to listen to. I feel your time would be the greatest gift you could give her.’

‘How will I reach her, what shall I do to get through her terrible coldness?’

‘Continue going in to her through her music, as you did the other evening with the concert. Go in where there’s common ground. Do whatever you can, Anna, to find common ground, and if you do nothing more, forgive her and pray for her. Whenever she lashes out, whenever she draws away, pray and forgive, forgive and pray.’

‘Is it too late?’ She wept openly now.

‘It’s never too late, please believe this. There’s a scripture in the Book of Joel-I will restore unto you the days the locusts have eaten. He’s fully able to do it, and waiting for you to ask.’

‘What about… Jack Slade?’

‘That’s in the past. If I were you, I’d put it out of your mind.’

‘It was on your mind…’

‘But it doesn’t matter now. All that matters is loving her back to you.’

‘I can never thank you enough.’

‘Please don’t try, I beg you. Thank him.’

She wiped her eyes, looked at her watch. ‘Forgive me, I must unload the dishwashers and get the bread in the oven. Maureen’s off with her old aunt for a bit and I’m quite behind. One more thing, if you would. How old is Dooley now? What’s become of him?’

‘He’s twenty-one, and recently took my name as his own. Dooley Kav’na.’ He swallowed hard. ‘A rising sophomore at the University of Georgia. He wants to be a vet, and circumstances have conspired to give him his own practice when he finishes school. A parishioner left him a small fortune. It covers his education and transportation, and leaves something to share with his brothers and little sister. He handles it pretty well. A good fellow, my son.’

‘I’m glad for you.’

‘It may look impossible for you and Bella, but it isn’t. Ask God’s help. He wants to help-it’s the way he’s wired.’

She slipped off the stool and he stood and set his cup on the table.

‘Will you pray for us, for all of us?’ she asked.

He took her hand. ‘I do and I will,’ he said.

He was going up with the tea when the idea struck. He would build such a room for Cynthia, who had for years plied her trade in a minuscule space scarcely larger than her drawing board. He was shamed that his study, in which he hadn’t actually studied in months, was the largest room in the house. And all that to satisfy what?-a need to appear busy in retirement? He was dazzled by the suddenness of such thinking, an epiphany.

His step was lighter on the stairs. The room would adjoin his study and have its own view of Baxter Park. The money would come from his pocket, not hers, though owing to their early agreement of not spending large amounts unless consulting the other, he’d have to get her John Hancock. He could see the room clearly: She was bent over her worktable in the southwest corner, the air smelling of sawn wood, the walls lined with her work.

He couldn’t wait to tell her everything.

‘What is it with Mother?’ Liam asked Feeney. ‘You finally talked her into doin’ tests, Anna says.’

‘The lab report came back this afternoon, which is why I was late getting here. I was up to Catharmore first.’

‘And?’

‘Told her what will be no news to any of us-her liver will be her death unless she stops the drinking. She didn’t receive it well, of course.’

‘Surprise, surprise,’ said Liam. ‘What about Paddy? Does he know?’

‘He does.’ Feeney rested his fork. ‘On a more positive note, your mother tells me she wants to live.’

‘I can’t imagine why, seein’ she’s so in love with dyin’.’

Anna looked his way, then lowered her eyes. This was family night, all right.

Cynthia enjoyed such dynamics, as long as they were someone else’s. He wondered how she was getting on with dinner and the telly Anna had rolled in for the remainder of their stay. He had been sent off quite happily to the Conor table, with instructions to ‘watch what you put in your mouth.’

‘So the question,’ said Liam, ‘is will she stop th’ drinkin’?’

‘’t will be difficult, I grant you. Nausea, tremors, hallucinations-even seizures, if it comes to that. Can’t know. What we can know is’-the doctor grinned-‘she will be exceedingly irritable.’

Laughter. Seamus smiled, discreet.

‘You’re full of surprises, Feeney. So how would she go about it?’

‘There’s the treatment option at a clinic, of course, but she won’t have it, nor will Paddy agree to it. A costly and persecuting piece of business, in any case. She wants to do it at home.’

Liam forked a mouthful of ziti. ‘I don’t get it. How could she do it at home with none but Seamus to give a hand?’

‘She’ll need full-time nursing care…’

‘Of course! To be paid for with th’ pot of gold at th’ end of the rainbow.’

‘… and I would supervise.’

Liam said something in Irish. ‘Who was the bloke rolled a stone up th’ hill only to have it roll back again?’

‘Sisyphus,’ said Anna.

‘That’s you, Doc. That’ll have you comin’ and goin’.’

The rain had stopped, though it rattled yet in the downspouts. The August evening was cool, the heat from the Aga welcome.

William had been talkative before dinner but was silent now. Bella picked at the ziti, stared at the wall, unseeing. Glancing up occasionally with a certain gratitude, Seamus ate without hurry.

Bella was the elephant in the room. No one attempted to penetrate the thicket of nettles, save for William. For William, the thicket parted as the Red Sea for Moses.