Michael Palmer - Flashback

Do you understand?"

Toby sat placidly, hands folded in his lap, and stared out the window.

"It would make it easier for Dr. Brookings to do his job if you would talk to him-tell him what it is you see and feel when you have the attacks. Do you think you can try and do that?… Toby, please, answer me. Will you try and talk to Dr. Brookings?"

Almost imperceptibly, the boy nodded. "That's good, honey. That's wonderful. We all just want to help.

No one's going to hurt you."

Barbara Nelms thought she saw her son shudder at those words. She swung her station wagon into one of the few spaces left in the crowded parking lot, locked her door, and then walked around the car to let Toby out. It was a promising sign that he had unbuckled his safety belt himself.

Instantly, hope resurfaced. Perhaps this would be the day. The only other time she and Toby had been in the Ultramed-Davis Physicians and Surgeons Clinic was for a brief follow-up visit with Dr. Mainwaring.

Toby's pediatrician worked out of an old Victorian house on the north side of Sterling. A directory, framed by two large ficus trees in the gleaming, tiled lobby, listed two dozen or so doctors, along with their specialties. Phillip R. Brookings, MD, Child and Adult Psychiatry was on the second of the three floors. "Toby, do you want to take the stairs or the elevator?… Honey, I promise you, Dr. Brookings just wants to talk. Now, which will it be?… Okay, we'll take the stairs, then."

Barbara took his hand and led him up the stairs, half wishing he would react, make some attempt to pull away. He was plastic, emotionless.

Still, she could tell he was completely aware of what they were doing. A small plaque by the door to room 202 read P. R. BROOKINGS, MD, RING BELL ONCE AND ENTER. The waiting room was small and windowless, with textured wallpaper, an array of black-and-white photographs of mountain scenes, and seating for only four. At one side was a small children's play area, consisting primarily of dog-eared Highlights magazines, multicolored building blocks, and puzzles, none of which, Barbara knew, Toby would be interested in. She ached at the image of her son before it all began, huddled on the floor with his father, pouring excitedly over his Erector Set. No, Daddy, this way… turn it this way… See?

At precisely three o'clock, Phillip Brookings emerged from the inner office, introduced himself stiffly to her with a handshake and to Toby with a nod. He looked even younger than she had anticipated-no more than thirty-two or — three, she guessed, although his thick moustache made it hard to tell. As so often had happened over the preceding months, Barbara found herself wondering if she had aged so much, or if doctors were actually getting younger. "So, " he said, taking one of the two remaining empty chairs, "welcome to my office. Toby, I appreciate your coming to see me, and I hope we can help you to feel better."

He wore a button-down shirt and tie, but no jacket, and Barbara's initial impression, despite his youth, was positive. If nothing else, he had started off on the right foot by not talking down to the boy. She glanced over at Toby, who sat gazing impassively at the photos on the wall. "Here's the medical history form you sent us, Dr. Brookings," she said, passing the paper over. "You have the other reports I sent you?"

Brookings nodded and briefly scanned the sheet. "I think, " he said,

"that if it is all right with Toby, I would like to speak with him alone in my office. What do you say, Toby?… We can keep the door open if you want, okay?"

He stood up and stepped back to the doorway of his inner office. "Are you coming?"

"Go ahead, honey, " Barbara urged. "I'll be right here. Remember what I said. There's nothing to be afraid of."

Slowly, Toby rose from his chair. "Wonderful, " Brookings said. "Come in. Come in."

Silently, but with every fiber, Barbara Nelms cheered her son on.

He was being more cooperative, more open to this man than he had been to anyone she had taken him to in some time. Perhaps, at last, he was ready. Perhaps… She watched as Brookings disappeared into his office.

From where she sat, directly opposite the doorway, she could see a roomy, comfortably furnished office with a large picture window, and plants arranged on the floor and hanging from the ceiling. Go on, darling Go ahead in. It's okay. It's okay. After a brief hesitation, Toby followed Brookings in. Then, after a single, tentative step inside the door, he stopped, his gaze riveted on the broad picture window across from him. "Come in, Toby, " Barbara heard Brookings say. "I'm not going to hurt you."

Barbara could see Toby's body stiffen. His hands, which had been hanging lifeless at his side, began to twitch. Dear God, she thought, he's going to have an attack. Right here.

Right now. "Toby, are you all right? " Brookings asked. Toby took several backward steps into the waiting room, his face chalk white, his eyes still fixed on the window. "Honey, what's wrong? " Barbara felt her muscles tense. No one but she and her husband had ever witnessed one of the attacks before. Frightened as she was, she sensed a part of her was actually grateful for what was about to happen. At least someone else would know what they had been going through all these months.

Instinctively, she glanced about for any objects on which Toby might hurt himself. Then, suddenly, the boy turned, threw open the outer office door, and raced out into the hall. "Toby! " Barbara and Brookings, who had come out of his office, called out in unison. The psychiatrist was across the waiting room and out the door before she had left her seat. Barbara reached the corridor just as he disappeared through the stairway door. Her pumps were almost impossible to run in.

At the head of the stairs she kicked them off and skidded down to the first floor, falling the last three steps and skinning her shin. As she limped into the lobby, Barbara heard the horrible screech of an automobile's tires and froze, anticipating the sickening thump of the car hitting her son. There was none. Instead, through the glass doorway, she saw him weaving through the parking lot, running as she had not seen him do in many months. Phillip Brookings was a dozen yards behind and closing. Barbara raced across the drive, narrowly avoiding being hit by a car herself. "Toby, stop! Please stop!"

The boy had made it beyond the parking lot and was sprinting across a stretch of thirty-or-so yards of lawn, toward the dense woods beyond.

Brookings was now no more than a few steps behind him. With only a yard or two to go before the forest, the psychiatrist launched himself in a flying tackle, catching Toby at the waist and hauling him down heavily.

"Thank God, " Barbara panted, hurrying across the parking lot. This was the first time, in all of his attacks, that Toby had done anything like this. Even at a distance she could tell that, although he was pinned beneath the physician, Toby was struggling. As she neared she could see his efforts lessen. "Toby, stop that, " she heard Brookings saying firmly, but gently. "Stop fighting me and I'll let go."

Barbara approached cautiously, expecting to see the familiar lost, glassy terror in her son's eyes. What she saw, instead, was a fierce, hot mix of anger and fear. It was almost as if he were snarling at the man. Carefully, Brookings pushed himself away, although he still maintained a grip on the boy's belt. As Barbara knelt beside her son, she realized that this was not one of his attacks after all-at least not a typical one. He was awake and alert. Whatever had set him off was in this world, not in the world locked within his mind. "Toby, are you all right? " she asked. "What happened? What frightened you so?"

The boy did not answer. "I'm going to let you go, Toby, " Brookings said. "Promise me you won't run?"