David Wiltse - The Edge of Sleep

“Not this one, this one only works for me.”

Ash nodded solemnly, as if he understood.

“But you could get one for yourself,” Bobby explained. “I could help you find one if you want.”

“Okay.”

Bobby took the coin from Ash’s finger and put it back in its proper place on his chest. Ash regarded the coin with new respect.

“That’s sure a nice…” Ash groped for the proper word.

“Good luck charm,” Bobby offered.

“Good luck charm,” Ash repeated. “That’s sure a nice good luck charm.”

“It’s the best. It’s never let me down. I found a five-dollar bill on the sidewalk once.”

“Really?”

“Honest. Just lying there.”

“I wish I had one.”

“We’ll get you one,” Bobby said.

“Then I’ll be as lucky as you,” Ash said.

“Maybe,” Bobby said. “It depends on how good your charm is.”

Ash stood the boy in the tub and let the water continue to run as he poured disinfectant over his back and legs. Bobby bit down on a wadded washcloth, but the pain was mild compared to all that had gone before, scarcely more than a sting.

“How come you wear those silly gloves in the water?” Bobby asked.

“Dee says,” Ash replied.

“How come, though?”

“Dee knows all about these things. She says it’s for everybody’s safety.”

Afterwards Ash wrapped a towel around the boy and used another to dry the boy’s hair. They stayed in the bathroom to keep from waking Dee. They could hear her make noises now and again in the agitation of her dreams.

“How come you never sleep?” Bobby asked.

“I can’t.”

“Don’t you get tired?”

“Sure. I get tired all the time, but I can’t let myself go to sleep because of what happens.”

“What happens?”

Ash looked away. He wished the conversation had never started.

“What happens when you go to sleep. Ash?”

Ash shook his head stubbornly.

“Do you have bad dreams?”

“I don’t have dreams. I don’t sleep.”

“Because I have bad dreams sometimes,” Bobby said. “But I sleep anyway. I don’t have them all the time, just sometimes, and besides, they’re not really real.”

“I don’t have bad dreams.”

“Then what is it?”

“I don’t want to tell you.”

“Oh, come on, Ash. I tell you things, don’t I?”

“Yes… ”

“I won’t tell anyone else, I promise.”

“Dee knows,” Ash said. As far as he was concerned, there was no one else in their world to tell.

“Well then. If she knows, why can’t I?”

“I kill people.” Ash said in a rush.

“You don’t either.”

“I do. When I go to sleep I do.”

“You don’t either.”

“Uh-huh.”

“If you’re asleep, how do you know?”

“Dee told me.” Ash said.

“How does she know?”

“Everyone knows,” Ash said. “I’m famous.”

“You’re not either.”

“I fell asleep a long time ago and killed my family.”

“How?”

“When I woke up, they were all dead.”

“Your whole family?”

“My mother and father and sister and brother.”

“You couldn’t kill them,” Bobby insisted. “You were just a little boy.”

“No, I wasn’t. I was sixteen. I was big. I wasn’t old enough to be tried as an adult, though. Dee says I was lucky, ’cause if I was any older they would have cooked me.”

“Cooked you! They wouldn’t do that, no one would do that.”

“That’s what Dee says. She said I was lucky I didn’t fry.”

“They don’t fry people,” Bobby said uncertainly.

“She said they would have fried me, but I was too young so they sent me to the hospital instead. That’s where Dee found me. She worked there.”

“Were you sick?”

“They said I was sick to kill my family.”

“You’re not sick. Ash.”

“I don’t always understand things the way I should.”

“I know. But you’re not sick. I think you’re nice.”

Ash smiled brightly, revealing his teeth. Two of them were jagged and darkened at the roots, and Ash hid them behind his hand as he continued to smile.

“I think you’re nice, too,” Ash said.

“Was Dee sick, too?”

“Dee isn’t sick,” Ash said hastily, the smile vanishing. “She has a controllable condition. She has pills. We both have pills. I’m controllable, too… Sometimes Dee doesn’t take her pills. But I always take mine.”

“Why was she in the hospital if she wasn’t sick?”

“It was a special hospital for people like me. You wouldn’t go there if you was just sick. Dee worked there. She was allowed to take us out sometimes, and once she just didn’t take me back. We ran away.”

“You love Dee, don’t you?” Bobby asked.

“Of course,” Ash said, amazed by the question.

“I don’t,” Bobby said. Ash gasped and put his finger to his mouth. “She’s mean.”

“Dee loves you. Tommy. She loves you. Of all the boys in the world she could have had, she chose you.”

“That’s just something she told you.”

“It’s true. She picked you. Tommy.”

“My name is Bobby.”

“I know. But pretend, okay?”

“Why do I have to?”

“Because Dee wants you to be her Tommy.” The big man shrugged at the obvious inevitability of it all.

“She hates me,” Bobby said.

“She loves you. She really does. I know.”

“Why did she hit me so much?”

Ash stared at the closed door for a moment, trying to recall the right answer.

“Well, that’s because it’s for your own good. There are some things children have to be taught, and that’s the best way.”

“You wouldn’t ever hit me, would you, Ash?”

Ash was stung by the suggestion. “Oh, no. I wouldn’t hurt you. Tommy.”

“I would never hit you, Ash.”

Bobby leaned against the big man and felt Ash’s arm move awkwardly around his shoulders.

“I wouldn’t ever hurt you,” Ash said. “I promise.”

“Then why does Dee?”

“It’s her job as a parent.” Ash spoke slowly, trying hard to say it all correctly. “A parent owes her child discipline, which teaches it what its boundaries are. It’s one of the ways for a mother to show her boy she loves him enough to do the right thing for him.”

Ash nodded, pleased that he had gotten it right.

“She’s not my mother. Why doesn’t she do it to her own boy?”

“They took her boy away from her,” Ash said.

“Who did?”

“It was so unfair,” Ash explained. “She was so, so sad. She almost died, she was so sad when they took her Tommy.”

“What did you do?”

“I wasn’t there. She told me about it.”

“Why did they take him?”

Ash studied the door again. “They didn’t understand about discipline.”

“Where did they take him to?” the boy asked.

Ash shrugged. “They gave him to the State.”

They fell into a silence. Bobby leaned more fully against Ash, taking comfort from the man’s size and warmth. He felt a security with the man’s arm on his shoulders not unlike the sense of invulnerability he got when he cloaked himself in his special blanket at home. He had long ago dubbed the blanket bulletproof and in times of stress he would wrap it around himself and peer out, immune to the dangers of the outside world. He tried to burrow into Ash now, seeking the same haven of instant safety. The big man pulled him tightly into his body with the arm on his shoulders and with his other hand he rubbed Bobby’s head.

“How did you kill your family?” Bobby asked after a time.

Ash seemed prepared for the question, as if he, too, had been thinking about it.

“I stabbed my mother and father while they were asleep and I smothered my brother and sister.” he said matter-of-factly.