Lisa Miscione - Twice

“Just put it on your expense report,” said Jeff absently. “What do you mean, you ‘put the word out there’?”

“You know, there’s this network aboveground and belowground. Information is passed from one person to the next.”

“So it’s about as reliable as a game of ‘Telephone.’ ”

“It’s all we have, mate. Let’s check it out,” Dax said sensibly. “We’ve got nothing to lose.”

Maybe you have nothing to lose , thought Jeff.

So they’d waited for Ford to arrive, filled him in on their plans, and asked him to stay with Lydia until they got back. Then they slipped out before her meeting with Eleanor was over. He knew she wasn’t going to be happy. But there was no way he was going to allow her to tag along on this errand and there would have been no way to stop her if she knew where they were going. So he’d take his beating later.

“According to Danielle, the entrance should be coming up here on the right,” Dax said, his voice low. A moment later they came upon an opening in the concrete wall. They could hear voices in the distance. Dax and Jeff exchanged a look. “After you,” said Jeff with a smile, and Dax disappeared into the hole. Jeffrey followed him into the darkness.

The New York State Facility for the Criminally Insane rose like a beige monument to misery against the horizon. Lydia and Ford had driven for miles through heavy trees without passing another car or seeing another building, and a light snow had started to fall. Whether it was the stark lines of the structure, or the bars on the windows, or just the knowledge of the hell within its walls, Lydia went cold inside as they grew closer. The place had always existed in her imagination as a house of horrors… where patients suffering from disease of the mind, and maybe the soul, wandered about trying to sort out reality from delusion. She imagined flickering lights, wet gray hallways, somewhere the sound of someone scraping, someone moaning. A place where the cures-shock therapy, lobotomy-were more horrifying than the disease. She wondered if the walls of the structure soaked up the nightmare visions of its residents, she wondered if their fantasies lived somehow in the concrete and gates-if that’s why the sight of it filled her with dread.

She was glad there was still a half an hour of distance to cover; she was almost sorry she had come at all. What good did it do for her to come to this place, former home of Jed McIntyre? It was like she was always trying to prove something… how brave, how strong, how able she was to handle any situation.

“So how’s Rose?” asked Lydia, trying to make idle conversation. Billy Joel sang “The Piano Man” on the easy listening station and his tune crackled and sounded tinny on the cheap car speakers. The moment of silence that followed her question told Lydia that she’d said the wrong thing.

“Better than ever, if you ask her,” he said with a small laugh. “She left me about a year ago.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, looking at him. He tapped his finger on the steering wheel and she watched his jaw work. Instead of letting it drop, she asked, “What happened?”

She’d only met Rose a couple of times, once at a Christmas party the firm threw and once when the four of them had dinner one night at Burrito Loco on West Fourth Street more than two years ago. She wouldn’t have said that Ford and Rose looked overly happy together, but they had seemed like a set of people, like bookends, one less of itself without the other.

“What happened? I don’t know… what happens to people? I was an asshole and she put up with it for thirty years. Then she stopped wanting to put up with it. Said if she couldn’t be the center of my attention, then at least she could be the center of her own.”

They were both quiet for a second. Lydia thought he would go silent, but he went on as though he were glad for the release.

“She said when the kids were home it wasn’t so bad. She felt needed, loved. She was busy. But when they went away to live their lives, she realized that we didn’t have a life together. She saw the rest of her life stretching out ahead of her and she wasn’t sure she wanted to live it with me. Not the way I am, a workaholic, always putting the job first. I can’t really even blame her.”

“So she packed and left?”

“Pretty much,” he said with a shrug, remembering her there, waiting with her suitcase and her coat on.

“Did you try to stop her?”

“She didn’t want to be stopped.”

“Maybe she wanted you to go with her?”

He was silent, like it was a possibility he hadn’t considered.

“Well, its too late now,” he said finally.

“It’s never too late, Ford. Not after so many years. Not if you still love her. You should retire and go after her.”

“Yeah, right. What am I if I’m not a cop?”

“Maybe it’s time to find out.”

More silence as the hospital grew closer and loomed before them. Ford glanced over at her. She wondered if she’d stepped over a line with him. But she’d never been very good at staying inside the lines or keeping her opinions to herself.

“Sometimes, you know,” he said, “you’re so busy being yourself, so selfish, that you forget about the people who depend on you, who love you. You just walk through your life creating damage. By the time you notice, you feel too old, too tired to undo the mess you’ve made and there’s no turning back anyway.”

Lydia looked at the road ahead thinking what a sad way to have to look back at your life. She wondered if he was right.

“But you can always move forward,” she said. Ford shrugged and gave a polite nod as if he weren’t convinced but wanted the conversation to end. The conversation withered between them, leaving them both feeling a little worse than they’d felt before it started.

Ford took a right onto an access road. The snow was falling more heavily now, lightly blanketing the trees that surrounded them as far as she could see. They were in the middle of nowhere, which Lydia guessed was a good location for a place that housed dangerously insane criminals. She looked out the passenger window into woods and saw a high metal fence topped with razor wire running along the side of the road, almost invisible through the trees.

Of course, the reality of the hospital was nowhere near her twisted imagining of it. Originally built in the late 1800s, the New York State Facility for the Criminally Insane sat on nearly three hundred acres of heavily wooded land. The first mental hospital in New York and one of the first in the country, NYSFCI was remarkable for its history and its architecture. The main building, closed but still standing on the grounds, was designed by Captain William Clarke. The 550-foot-long edifice with its immense Doric columns was still imposing and grand, meant to exude an aura of authority and stability. And the rest of the buildings were a hodgepodge of different architectural styles, all unified by their gated windows and aura of pain.

Over the years the hospital endured a number of different incarnations. Initially it housed only civil commitments, people who were mentally ill but not necessarily dangerous. When violent and escape-prone convicts began to arrive from local prisons there in the 1950s, the institution became overburdened and a new building was erected on the same grounds for insane convicts. But even with the additions, the hospital became dangerously overcrowded.

It was closed briefly in the 1970s due to budget cuts and allegations of patient abuse and administrative corruption. But the prison systems became so overwhelmed with mentally ill prisoners that the hospital opened again in 1985. Just in time to provide a bed for Jed McIntyre. This was not a place people went to get well. It was a place intended to warehouse and manage people too ill for prison or society, though, of course, no one would ever officially admit that.