Deborah Crombie - A Share In Death

The roar of a lawnmower shattered the deep peace of the precinct. Hannah, startled, thought she’d never heard a more incongruous sound. Patrick sighed and rubbed his hand across his face. “I have no proof of anything, Hannah. No proof that I did nothing else that night but go to bed. But no one else has any proof that I did.” He waited, looking at her now, expecting some response.

“What would you have done if things had gone the way Duncan said? If Sebastian had told Marta, and she had left you and taken her parents’ money with her?” She spoke without heat, curiously.

“If I don’t win this by-election, I’ll win the next one, or the one after that, and I don’t need their help to do it. I could be P.M. someday, Hannah, if I grab the right coat tails, and Marta is becoming more of a liability than an asset.”

“Why,” Hannah asked in the same flat voice, “after you married one woman who wanted to use you, would you pick another with the same thing in mind?”

He shrugged. “Bad judgment, I guess. I’d begun to see that, of course, but she’s still very… attractive. I may know my strengths as a politician, but that doesn’t make me infallible. Besides, I never meant to marry Cassie.” His mouth quirked in that small, ironic smile and he straightened up, moving a step closer to her. “Now, let me ask something of you, Hannah. What gives you the right to accuse me? Or rather,” he smiled again, “I should ask myself why I feel obligated to offer you a defense. Something… compels me to be honest with you. I don’t understand it.”

Hannah turned from him. She stood on the brink, the choice before her. To speak now required more courage than anything she had ever done in her life. He had placed the perfect opening in her hands, yet she stood mute, her mind frozen. She forced herself to breathe. After a long moment the halting words came, but they bore no resemblance to the ones she’d prepared.

“You should have seen me at sixteen, Patrick. Too tall, too bony, all arms and legs and awkward angles. No boy ever showed the least interest in me until I went home with a school friend for the long vac, and her older brother took pity on me. He must have been all of nineteen, and terribly sophisticated in my eyes. I was curious, and flattered, and he was very inept-but I didn’t know that at the time, just that it was all rather disappointing.” She half turned and risked a glance at his puzzled face before continuing.

“Of course, the consequences of such… such stupidity and naiveté were inevitable. You can’t imagine what it was like to have to tell my parents I was pregnant. My parents… didn’t make allowances for mistakes. I had already been accepted at university for the next year. To them it was unthinkable that I should keep the baby. And I… I didn’t have the courage to withstand them. I could have managed-left school, found a job. I could have done something.” Hannah’s voice had risen. She found herself trembling again and clasped her arms tightly across her chest. After a moment she spoke again, more calmly. “It was all very discreetly arranged. I went to stay with an aunt. When the baby came my parents took him away, saying they had found a suitable home.”

She turned now to face him, dropping her arms to her sides as if baring herself. “It wasn’t until last March, when my father died and I had access to his personal files, that I found out what they had actually done. My father-he was a solicitor, did I say?-had among his clients a Major and Mrs. Rennie, desperate for a child of their own. Of course my father never told them it was his own grandchild he offered them. All neat. All so very tidy.” Hannah strangled a sudden hysterical desire to laugh. “Do you know the worst thing of all? My father kept up with you all those years, and I never knew it. Your parents sent him school reports, photos of Patrick’s first cricket match, Patrick’s first pony-and I never saw them. To him you were a real person, but I… I never had that privilege.” The words ran down, finally. She had no justification left to offer. For the first time since Hannah had begun she looked at him directly. Not until she saw the white stillness of his face did she realize just how unruffled he’d been when she had more or less accused him of murder.

Silence rang in Hannah’s ears. She wondered when the lawnmower had stopped.

Patrick swallowed. “What… I don’t believe it. You? My mother?” His voice rose incredulously, for once out of control. “You can’t be. You’re too young-”

“I’m not, Patrick. I was practically a child.”

He shook his head. “You can’t-”

“Why would I lie to you? What possible reason could I have for telling you if it weren’t true?”

He subsided for a moment. “But I knew him. Your father. He took Dad and me to lunch at his club sometimes when my father had business in London. I never connected the name. I never dreamed-”

“That he was your grandfather? No, he made sure you wouldn’t.” This final betrayal of her father’s made her feel sick. She closed her eyes. The picture was quite clear in her mind. Her father, genial over cigars and brandy with the faceless Major Rennie, saying, “Don’t tell the boy I arranged his adoption. It might make him feel uncomfortable.” When she opened her eyes Patrick was staring at her in consternation.

“Why now, Hannah? You could have tackled your father long ago. You were an adult with an adult’s rights. And why like this?” He sounded bewildered. “How did you find me? I mean here at Followdale House?”

“I hired a private detective.” She flinched at his look of distaste.

“My god, I don’t believe it. You had me followed? Spied on me-”

“I only had your parents’ address. I couldn’t just go to them and say I wanted to see you. And I wanted some time to know you on neutral ground, no judgements, no biases. I wasn’t even sure I’d tell you.”

“How nice and safe for you. Your choice, once again. What would you have done if I’d been unattractive? Or stupid? Walk away and pretend it never happened, just like you did nearly thirty years ago?” Patrick’s expression was bleak, free of that overlying gloss of charm, and for the first time Hannah saw echoes of her own features. “Why did you decide to tell me, Hannah?”

“I found I had to, in the end. I couldn’t live with not telling you.”

“For the sake of your peace of mind, or mine?”

Hannah had no answer. She stood miserably before him, waiting for what would come next.

“What did you expect from me? Did you think you could just walk into my life after all these years and be welcomed with open arms?”

“Patrick, please-”

“It won’t work, Hannah. There’s nothing to build on. My parents have been parents to me, for Christ’s sake. What have you ever given me, besides an uncelebrated entry into the world? Should I be glad you didn’t abort me? I suppose you could have, even in those days.” He gave a mirthless snort.

The words that had flooded from her had drained her utterly, leaving her without the strength to speak. How could she Cell this suddenly harsh man how she had loved him all those months she’d carried him? How she had grieved when they had taken him from her? And how could she explain what had happened to her afterwards? It seemed ridiculous, absurd to even think of it. She drew in breath with an effort. “Patrick, I…” The tears she had managed to fight off until now tightened her throat. “You don’t understand. I can’t make you understand.”

“No.”

The silence lengthened until Hannah thought she must speak, must find some pebble to throw into this chasm that had opened between them. “I wanted…”

“You wanted,” Patrick said, his tone more gentle now, “the impossible. How disappointing for you,” he added ironically, “to find your long-lost son and think him capable of murder.”