Cliff Ryder - The Ties That Bind

He finished his soup and allowed himself the luxury of falling into sleep again.

Sometimes, it was better to dream of a world he could never have, rather than try to live in the one that he couldn't change.

To call the facility in Nome a hospital was a bit like calling a goldfish a shark, Jason thought. With less than twenty-five beds, it served the Inuit and other native populations in a huge area — mostly with local clinics. Still, the facility itself appeared decent enough and the staff was professional.

After waking from his nap, Jason had decided to leave right away, rather than stay any longer. There was little point in putting off what he needed to do. He thanked the old medicine woman and shook hands with Tanuk, who offered him some words of advice before he left.

"Do you know, son, what the difference is between a man alone and a man with a family?"

Jason had shaken his head. "Not really," he answered.

"Wisdom, maybe," Tanuk replied, then turned and went back into his small home.

Adrostos had done him a kindness, leaving him a floatplane that he could fly down to Nome, rather than use an ATV over the rough countryside. The flight itself had been fairly short and by early morning, he was in Nome, wandering the streets and waiting for a diner to open so he could get some breakfast and a cup of coffee.

What he was really doing, he knew, was putting off seeing Tina.

She'd put her trust in him, done everything he'd asked, and nearly lost her life in doing so. People in her village, people she knew, had died. Sitting in the dingy little diner, he finished off the last of his coffee and paid his bill. He couldn't wait any longer, and headed for the hospital.

He stopped at the main desk and asked the young lady there what room she was in. "Just down the hall and then to your left," the woman told him.

"Thank you," he replied, then turned away and headed in that direction. He felt funny inside, almost wooden or as if nothing was real. He thought he had a handle on how he felt about Tina, but he didn't know what to do about it. If, that was, there was anything to be done.

He reached her room and stopped at the threshold. The door was open and he peered inside. Tina was propped up on a handful of pillows, her head turned away from the door as she stared out the window. He wondered what was going through her mind, what thoughts she was thinking.

Jason tapped lightly on the door frame and she turned to look at him.

"I guessed it would be you," she said quietly. "My grandfather called and told me you were alive."

He didn't speak, just nodded his head. It was as if seeing her had robbed him of his voice.

"Come in," she said. "I figure we have some things to talk about."

He stepped into the room and held out the small bouquet of flowers he'd picked up on the way in. "I…I thought you might like these," he said.

She smiled and he was struck once more by her beauty. "They're beautiful," she said. "Thank you."

He set them on the bedside table, then moved to stand near her bed. The silence between them felt like a chasm he'd once seen in the mountains in South America. There was no possible way across, no way to bridge the gap. Still, he had to say something. "I wanted to apologize," he blurted.

Tina's eyes widened slightly. "Apologize?" she asked. "I don't understand."

"I should have protected you better," he said, the words coming out in a sudden rush. "I shouldn't have let you get hurt."

She smiled once again and took his hand. "That was my choice, remember?" she asked. "I'm not very good at taking orders, so even if you'd told me to take off, I would have stayed."

He shook his head. "Still, I should have expected…" He sighed, letting his words frail off. "I should have expected something like that."

"Really?" she said. "Do you think that somehow you should know how every battle will be fought? Is that how you usually operate?"

"Not exactly," he admitted. "Usually, I plan everything down to the last detail. I'm not big on the battles. I'm more of a 'one shot, one kill, move on' kind of guy. They sent me on this mission because they thought I'd have a better chance of fitting in with the locals."

Tina burst out laughing, then grabbed at her chest. "Ouch," she said when the pain subsided. "Don't make me laugh. It hurts."

"You don't think I fit in?" he asked.

"Not even remotely," she said, shaking her head. Her hair was beautiful.

He chuckled. "Not everything went according to plan," he said. "But the mission got done, so that's something."

"So I heard," she said. "Someone named Adrostos — a very scary man, by the way — came by and debriefed me late yesterday. He told me you killed Feng."

"I did," he said. "With some help from your grandfather."

Her thoughts turned inward, and her face went still. "Jesse didn't make it," she said.

"No," Jason said. "He didn't."

Images of the fight flashed through his mind. Maybe if he'd taken on Feng to begin with Jesse would still be alive. But when it came right down to it, Jason knew that Feng was the kind of tiger who liked to play with his food. He'd bought the time he needed with Jesse's life. "He fought well," he finally said.

"I imagine that he did," she said. "There's something else that didn't go according to plan. Something…I'm not sure how to tell you this."

Concern filled him. "What is it?" he asked. "You're okay, aren't you?"

She nodded. "Yes, I'm okay, but…there's something you need to know."

"All right," he said. "You can tell me anything."

"I guess we'll see about that," she said. She pointed at her belly. "I'm pregnant, Jason. I'm going to have a baby."

A strange ringing sound echoed in his ears. "Baby?" he repeated. "What baby?"

"Our baby, Jason," she said. "Yours and mine."

"But…well…how did that happen?"

She allowed herself a small smile. "How soon they forget," she said.

"No," he said. "I mean, yes, I remember. I know how it happened, it's just…"

They were both quiet for a moment, then she said, "Just?"

"I…" Words failed him for a moment, and he tried again. "I don't know what to say, Tina. What to feel. What you feel."

She started to speak and he held up a hand to stop her. "You have every reason to hate me," he said. "With everything that's happened, a lot of people killed. Jesse dead. And you certainly didn't expect to get pregnant."

"No," she said. "I didn't. But that's how life works, really. You want everything in your world, every mission, to go according to some plan, but it doesn't. Life happens and things change and get in the way of your plan and you adjust. I will have to adjust."

He nodded in understanding. "What do you want me to say, Tina? I nearly got you…and…and our baby killed. What can I offer you?"

"Tell me how you feel about me," she said. "What's in your heart?"

Jason stood up and started pacing the room. "I care about you, Tina," he said. "I really do. I don't know if what I feel for you is love, because I haven't ever allowed love to be a part of my life. It's all too fast, what we've had, and I'm not a good candidate for being a family man."

"No," she admitted. "You haven't had much experience with that anyway."

"To be honest," he said, "I'm afraid to love you. It wouldn't be fair. We need…I need time to think. To figure out what I'm feeling, what I should do."

"I appreciate your honesty, Jason," she said. "Really I do. And I understand. We practically just met and now I've sprung this on you."

"No, it's not that," he said, then chuckled. "Well, it's that a little. But I'm not the kind of man to walk out on you," he said. "If you never want to see me again, I'll…I mean we can work out some kind of support. I would understand. But then…" Once more, he ran out of words.