Jon Merz - Vicarious

Lauren could see the effort Curran was exerting trying to contain the mist in his eyes. She touched his arm.

“That bastard hurt my friend. My best friend.” He shook his head. “And when I confronted Joey about it and told him we had to tell someone, he said that he already had told his family.”

Lauren said nothing.

“They didn’t believe him. His mother beat him for telling lies about the priest. She said God would never have made a man of the cloth such a monster and that Joey must have been lying.”

Lauren remembered the fear she felt when her brother raped her. The dark nights. The cold scent of terror. “That poor boy.”

“He was never the same. And I never went to Church again. For years after that I used to lay awake at night wondering how God could permit such a hellish person to exist. How could he let someone pervert his teachings to the point where he could pray on innocent kids? I never understood it. I still don’t understand it. Not to this very damned day.”

A car horn blared a block away and Curran seemed to snap back to reality. “Cripes, it’s cold out here.”

“What happened to Joey?”

“The abuse took its toll. His family had him committed to a mental hospital and he died there a few years later. We’d moved in the meantime.”

“What about the priest?”

Curran looked away. “We should get going.”

Lauren put her hand on his arm again. “Steve-“

He turned and looked at her. “I told you before I’d killed only twice in my life.”

“Yes.”

“I lied.”

She looked into his eyes and saw the cold black hatred that had been stirred by the evil of one man. And she wondered how Curran had managed to contain it for so long.

He nodded. “Yeah. And that’s why I’m not a big fan of things involving the Church. Even today. Even with the abuse scandal being unraveled. The Archdiocese still has things it won’t turn over. And the courts put up with it. The tolerance for harboring pedophiles — serial rapists — nauseates me to no end. They ought to all be exterminated for what they did to those children.”

“That’s a pretty harsh sentence, Steve.”

“Well, I sure as hell don’t see God handing out any judgments.”

“Maybe that’s because he does it when we die.”

Curran nodded. “Yeah. Maybe. But you know what? I don’t think we should have to wait that long.”

She could see the torment he’d endured over seeing his friend brutalized. “You’ve got a lot of pain inside you.”

“I’m working through it.”

Lauren felt another cold wind wash over them. In the evening air, it seemed like the city could simply envelop them in the cold drizzle and wash everything away.

Some things definitely needed to be cleaned, she decided.

“We need to stop this thing, Steve.”

He blew another stream of smoke into the air. “I know it.”

“You understand we might need the help of the Church to do that?”

“Yeah. That’s what makes this such a bitch to bear.”

“Can you do it?”

Curran tossed his cigarette to the ground. “I don’t have much of a choice anymore, Lauren.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because this thing — this Soul Eater as you call him. The sonofabitch paid me a visit last night. And I don’t want that happening ever again.”

Lauren caught the subway back out toward Brighton after leaving Curran. She wasn’t entirely sure what she hoped to discover going back to the school, but the old nun there had been the only help she’d gotten so far.

And there seemed to be something about her that led Lauren to believe she knew more than she let on about what they were going through.

Or I might just be imagining it, she thought. Throngs of students crammed the car, pushing their bodies into the other passengers. They passed through Kenmore Square and thankfully most of them got off to head to Boston University. Lauren found a seat and sat, staring out of the window.

The train roared up Commonwealth Avenue, its windows streaked now by the cold rain falling out of the black sky. Lauren fingered her cross and felt its cool metal soothe her.

If only it was that easy for Steve. She frowned. Certainly seeing a best friend raped and then almost getting the same treatment would make anyone hate the Church. After all, Lauren could sympathize to some degree. After her brother had raped her, she’d lain awake at night questioning in much the same way Steve had.

But her path had led her back to the Church, not away from it.

Not like Steve.

We’re so different, she thought. So different. And yet very similar.

She smiled at the thought of having him as a boyfriend. She quickly chastised herself for thinking such a foolish thing. He was a cop, after all. She was going to become a nun. There was no way it could work.

It shouldn’t work.

She shouldn’t desire him at all.

If only it was as easy as her mind told her it should be.

If only this whole thing hadn’t happened at all. She’d never have known someone like Steve existed. And each of them would have gone on with their lives blissfully unaware of the other.

God works in mysterious ways, she smiled.

Maybe she was supposed to know Steve. Maybe they figured into one another’s lives in way they couldn’t yet see.

She sighed and went back to looking out of the window. Maybe she just had a silly crush on him.

The rest of the trip passed without event. Lauren got off at the final stop, skirting the campus of Boston College and heading down a side street toward the seminary and academic buildings of the Archdiocese. Streetlights overhead cast long shadows that danced ahead of her on the sidewalk. The rain had stopped for the moment.

She turned into the grounds and headed for the administration building again. It was almost six o’clock but she knew a lot of the staff kept late hours. She hoped the old nun would be working still.

A cold wind kicked up some dead wet leaves and scattered them by her feet. Lauren looked around. She felt weird. Like someone was watching her.

She whirled, eyes scanning the deep dark but finding nothing.

You’re being silly now. After all, evil wouldn’t come here, would it? This was sacred ground, owned by the Church.

She reminded herself then that evil had breached the library with ease. Why should the school grounds keep it at bay?

At the admin building, she tugged on the door and it opened. She walked a bit faster toward the office.

The outer office where the old nun had sat the other day was empty. Lauren slumped against the wall and exhaled in a rush.

“Can I help you with something?”

Lauren whirled almost dropping her purse and jumping out of her skin at the same time.

Sister McDewey.

Lauren put her hand on her chest and felt her heart jumping around inside.

Sister McDewey frowned. “Did I startle you?”

“A bit.”

“I’m so sorry. I thought I heard someone and came to see.”

Lauren nodded. “It’s all right. I’m just a bit tired is all.”

“Your studies?”

Something like that, thought Lauren. “I was looking for the old nun who was here the other day.”

“You mean Sister Donovan?”

“I never got her name.”

Sister McDewey’s face creased with concern. “She’s not doing too well, I’m afraid.”

“How do you mean?”

“She took sick quite suddenly. The doctors aren’t sure she’ll make it much longer.”

“She’s in the hospital?”

“No. She said she wanted to be at her home. It’s close by. She’s got someone looking after her all the time now.”

Lauren frowned. “I wanted to thank her for helping me.”