Gregg Hurwitz: The Crime Writer

"I knew about my brain tumor." The words, finally spoken, continued to resonate in my head. "My health insurance had lapsed. I was waiting on another script deal to get my Writers Guild coverage back. I'd had migraines for six months, then a short blackout. I went to a private provider in Ventura so if the tests did reveal something, it wouldn't go on record as a preexisting condition. That's why nothing showed up in any of the medical records you subpoenaed."

I didn't add that my failure to act hadn't been just about the money though the money had played a considerable role. I'd stalled because I'd had a book deadline and an upcoming tour and a new relationship. And, like anyone else, I was terrified. When a surgery is elective, when do you make that firm decision to let a team of people carve around inside your brain? How do you choose the day? What if you don't wake up? Or worse, what if they make a mistake and then you do?

A few days after I'd blacked out over the washing machine, I'd seen a neurologist, who'd given me the unhappy diagnosis. The doctor had urged me to get the surgery, but I'd told him, protected under the veil of confidentiality, that I was willing to take the gamble and wait. The trial had provided me ample time to relive his answer. Are you willing to gamble the lives of the family in the minivan you crash into when you black out behind the wheel?

Harriman lifted the onion off the plastic spike with her teeth, and as she crunched, I wondered whether she'd respond. Finally she said, "How much was the operation going to cost?"

"Sixty-two grand."

"And how much was your legal retainer?"

"Two-fifty."

She snickered she couldn't help it and it took me a moment to realize she was laughing at us both.

"Well," she said, "I'm sure you'll get plenty of screenwriting deals now."

"Yeah, I figured this would be an effective career strategy."

"There is something compellingly nai've about you. Even earnest." She made a face, then signaled the bartender for another drink. Not her second.

"How so?"

"What you just confirmed is no thunderbolt from on high. We'd considered it, of course, did some investigating."

"Why didn't you just ask me when you had me on the stand?"

"Because we weren't sure, and even if we were right, you would have lied."

"Why do you assume that?"

"You wouldn't go to a doctor off record to cheat an insurance company if you were an honest guy."

"Fair enough. But I also wouldn't have lied under oath."

"Well, you'll have to forgive my skepticism for not wanting to stake my case on your integrity." She took a healthy sip. "The prosecutor can't just accuse a witness of lying. It's not recess at elementary school. Putting out the kinds of books you type, you ought to know that. I would need to present evidence or testimony that refutes. And your lawyers never gave me a target. They're overpriced, by the way. But hey, what do I know? You won. Sort of." She gave me a big congratulatory smile. "Of course, if your honest-guy conscience had piped up, say, yesterday… who knows ifwe'd both be sitting here?" She flicked the rim of her glass with a polished nail. "Why today, Danner? And why find me? You looking for forgiveness?"

Her tone made clear what her position on that would be.

"No."

"Then why are you on about this? You got off."

"The verdict is irrelevant."

"Yes," she said. "It is. 'Not guilty by reason of insanity' sure as shit doesn't mean 'didn't do it.' "

"But here's where we are. You didn't convict me. Maybe you should have."

"Well, I'm sure any self-respecting second-rate crime novelist knows you can't be tried twice for the same crime."

"I…" My hands itched to grip my drink, but I kept them still. "I remembered something. From the night of Genevieve's death. I checked it, and it was right."

"Lemme guess it exonerates you."

"No," I said. "The opposite. I remembered driving over there. I was alone in the car."

She touched her fingertips to her open mouth, feigning immense surprise.

"I think I can help get to what happened that night," I said. "I still want to know if I plunged that knife into Genevieve's stomach. And you can help me find out."

She laughed. "Do you know why I tried you, Danner? Market pressure. If you were a nobody, you would've pled your way down to a traffic ticket and walked before trial. But because, for whatever reason, this city decided to cast you as a celebrity defendant, we had to do something about our celebrity trial record, which you may have noticed is less than spectacular."

"So getting convictions is all you care about? Aren't there some cases where you actually want to know the truth?"

"The truth? The truth? When you're a trial lawyer, you learn something in a hurry. You're supposedly questioning potential witnesses, but you're rehearsing them and you know it. Once a witness has told you the version of the story that you've helped them arrive at, you get them to retell it over and over. And eventually that story the story you've all shaped it becomes the truth. And if you're not careful or if you're careful enough, the truth will include things that weren't there to begin with. And that's what you're gonna have happening here, only worse. You might want to retell the story of the night of September twenty-third in your head a thousand times, but it was being interpreted before you supposedly woke up. You can never arrive at the truth." She finished off her drink. "You know why? The facts are the raw material, not the finished product. And if you go looking for truth, you're just gonna wind up chasing your tail. You'd do better to search for absolution." A quick wave of her hand. "But not here."

I threw down a twenty and slid off the barstool. "Thanks for your time."

She didn't bother looking up from her glass. "I'll bill you."

It was past one by the time I reluctantly returned home. I wished there were something else I could do, somewhere else I could go. It struck me as I entered the darkness of my kitchen that I didn't want to be alone with myself. During those chill jailhouse nights, I'd imagined plenty, but I hadn't imagined that being labeled not guilty only by reason of insanity would leave me feeling like I'd rather die than live inside my own skin. I had to live with a lot more, too. Despite my neurologist's warning, I'd chosen to take the risk for myself, for that family of four in the minivan, for Genevieve. The cost of my selfishness sickened me.

I scrubbed the blood from the carpet as best I could and washed off the boning knife. Then I went back upstairs and lay in bed. 2:13 A.M. Only four more hours until daybreak. Then what? What life would I live?

I studied the ceiling, listening for sounds in the house. I tried to sleep, but every time I drifted off, I snapped to, worried what might happen. Or, perhaps, worried about what I might do.

A little past three, I got a digital camcorder from my office and a tripod from the garage and set them up in the far corner of my room, pointing at the bed. I hit "record" and climbed back under the sheets. Now if I turned into the Incredible Hulk, I'd have documentation. Or if the Hillside Foot Cutter broke in and went for the other pinkie toe. Maybe I should wear galoshes prophylactically. Maybe I should check myself in somewhere. Maybe I should ask Katherine Harriman for a date.

I stared at the watching lens.

Where do you hide when you scare yourself?

Exhausted, I sat at the wobbly kitchen table early the next morning, eating stale Smokehouse Almonds and picking through my mail. I'd failed to sleep, finally dragging out of bed to come downstairs. I'd been unable to shake off last night the dream memory or the nonintruder. The implications of both continued to haunt me.