Bill Pronzini: The Lighthouse

She got up, switched off the light, went into the living room. Jan had apparently fed some wood to the fire before he’d gone out; it still radiated a small amount of heat and the room was somewhat smoky. She debated the two evils-cold or smoke-opted for smoke, and knelt to add a few more chunks of wood to the stove. Then she went into the kitchen, poured herself a glass of red wine.

Back in the living room, she sat on the couch and pulled her feet up, tucking them under the folds of an old afghan. The fire was burning strongly now, the room was warmer, the smoky smell was not unpleasant. She glanced at the table beside her, where the telephone sat. Too late for anyone to call now. And too late for her to call her best friend Kay or her mother or anyone else. She didn’t feel like reading. Didn’t feel like doing much of anything except sitting.

How long had Jan been gone? she wondered. She slipped her left arm from under the afghan and looked at her watch. Ten-twenty. Not that that told her anything. She’d been so absorbed in her sketch when he left that she hadn’t noticed the time.

The wind gusted sharply; smoke backed up into the room. Alix coughed, fanned it away. North wind tonight-and its gusts seemed to spiral around the lighthouse from top to bottom, bottom to top, in an unrelenting assault. It made her feel very much isolated and alone, more so at this moment than at any time since their arrival.

A bittersweet memory struggled to the surface of her consciousness. Boston, twelve years ago. Jan’s apartment on the shabby back of Beacon Hill. Winter. Ice slick on the steeply slanting sidewalks, newly fallen snow covering it deceptively. And wind, freezing wind off the Charles River that threatened to batter the flimsy building into rubble.

The apartment had been on Russell Street, in a row of tenements soon to be condemned. The buildings on either side had already been vacated, but the stubborn residents of Jan’s building had insisted on their right to stay until spring and the arrival of the wreckers. The combination of the fresh snow and the empty shells of buildings gave the area a hushed, unreal quality, muting even the wail of an ambulance on its way to nearby Massachusetts General Hospital.

She had entered the apartment as stealthily as a burglar, knowing she was an interloper and probably unwelcome. But even the most unwelcome of guests have their ways of gaining access; in her case, she’d known where Jan hid his spare key. Her Hight bag in hand, she stood in the tiny living room with its threadbare carpet, brick-and-board bookcase, Salvation Army couch and coffee table. She hadn’t packed much before leaving New York. She didn’t expect to be permitted to stay.

She went into the bedroom. It was dominated by the narrow built-in bunk that they’d often shared-never mind the discomfort-and the bunk was neatly made up. Trust Jan to rise early and perform his household chores before leaving for Boston University, where he’d taught history after receiving his Ph. D. from Harvard two years before. Setting her bag on the bed, she glanced around to see if anything had changed since the last time she was there. It didn’t appear that much had. Then, feeling like a sneak, she opened the closet door and peered inside. Jan’s clothes, nobody else’s.

Relieved, she went back through the living room and into the bathroom and kitchen that opened off its far end. Both were tidy and contained only his few possessions. He’d even washed his egg cup and spoon, which also didn’t surprise her. There was some brandy in the cupboard over the sink, kept mostly for visitors. She poured a couple of fingers into a glass, for courage, and then returned to the living room to wait. And as the wind howled and the underlying quiet assailed her, she practiced what she would say when he came home.

I will not allow you to just walk away from me without an explanation.

No, too pushy. It would only anger him.

How can you turn your back on me, push me out of your life, without telling me what’s wrong?

Too pitiful. Tears would come to her eyes, and that would force him to feel sorry for her-something she didn’t want.

Jan, let’s discuss our relationship in a straightforward, adult fashion.

God, if anyone approached her like that, she’d throw up!

I love you and I don’t want to lose you.

Better, but there was so much more that needed to be said…

She had formed no definite conclusion when, twenty minutes later, she heard Jan’s key in the lock. He came in, wrapped in his too-large tweed overcoat, blinking in surprise at the light. His eyes, behind the hom-rimmed glasses, were startled and wary until he saw her curled up on the couch; then they brightened-briefly. The sudden spark of pleasure dimmed and the comers of his mouth pulled down in what might have been displeasure and might have been resolve. He came all the way into the apartment, set his shabby briefcase on the coffee table, and struggled out of the coat (which could easily have held two of him).

“What are you doing here?” he said.

Not a promising beginning. “Obviously I came to see you.”

“I told you not to.”

“I had to come, Jan.”

His eyes shifted away from hers, to the glass on the floor beside the couch. “Well, I see you’ve made yourself at home.”

“Yes. Can I get you a brandy?” God, she sounded assured. And all the while she was like jelly inside.

His mouth twitched: the ghost of a smile. He wasn’t put off enough not to appreciate what he often referred to as her “sassiness.” He said, “No, I’ll get it. You want another?”

“Yes.” For courage.

He returned after a minute with the drinks, then went back to the kitchen and brought out a straight-backed chair. So he wasn’t even going to sit on the couch beside her. Another bad sign.

“Why are you here?” he asked again.

“Oh, Jan, you know why I’m here. Let’s not play games with each other.”

He was silent, looking down into his glass.

“I love you and I don’t want to lose you,” she said. “But I don’t know how to keep that from happening because I don’t know what’s wrong, why you’ve… changed toward me all of a sudden. Was it something I did?”

No response.

“I don’t think it was,” she said. “First you told me not to come to Boston; you were busy, you’d drive down to New York at the end of the semester. Then you had to work on an article over semester break. I offered to come up here; you didn’t think that was a good idea. Next you promised you’d meet me in Connecticut for the weekend, but you cancelled at the last minute. You haven’t written or called in the last three weeks. Jan… is there somebody else? Is that it?”

He looked up. “There’s no one but you, you know that.”

He had spoken the words softly, apologetically, but they only served to anger her. “How can you say, ‘There’s no one but you’? There isn’t even me anymore! You’ve forced me out of your life and I want to know why.”

“I’m trying to do what’s best for you—”

“What’s best for me? Don’t you think I have the right to make that decision?”

He sighed and finished the rest of his brandy. Then he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, rolled the empty glass between his big hands. He said slowly, “Look, Alix, I’m not an easy person to be around all the time. Not an easy person to be close to. I tend to brood—”

“I know that—”

“No, hear me out. This past year you’ve seen the best side of me. I’ve been happy and that’s allowed me to open up to you in a way I never have to anyone else.”

“So why should that change now?”

He went on as if he hadn’t heard her question. “What you didn’t see this past year was the other side of me. I’m prone to periods of depression-severe depression. I wouldn’t ask anyone else to suffer through one of those periods, least of all you.”