Chevy Stevens - Still Missing

My internal scare-yourself-silly sound track goes a little something like this: My car was in the driveway, so the burglar must have seen me leave with Emma. How long had he been watching the house? Days, week, months, still? What if it wasn’t a burglar?

Then I spend the next hour telling myself I’m an idiot—the cops are right, it was just a random event, a stupid burglar who got freaked by the alarm. But then the whispers start up again. Someone’s watching you right now. The second you relax he’s going to get you. You can’t trust anyone.

Like I said, I had to do something.

Starting with the ones closest to me—Luke, Christina, Mom, Wayne, any family like Tamara, her brother Jason, Aunt Val, and her husband Mark—I made a column beside each one for any reasons they might want to hurt me, feeling like a complete idiot because of course there’s nothing to put there.

Next I moved down the list to anyone else I might have pissed off—former clients, coworkers, ex-boyfriends. I’ve never been sued, the only Realtor who might’ve had an issue with me is the “mystery” Realtor competing against me for that project back when I was abducted, and although I’ve broken the odd heart, I never did anything deserving of revenge so long after the fact. Even wrote down the names of a couple of Luke’s exes—one was still hung up on him when we started dating, but hell, she moved to Europe before I was even abducted. I put The Freak down too, then wrote “dead” by his name.

I sat at my table, staring at this ridiculous list with its got-a-listing-they-wanted, didn’t-return-their-call, didn’t-sell-their-house-fast-enough, kept-one-of-his-CDs notes in the column, and when I tried to imagine any of these people lurking outside my house or breaking in so they could “get” me, I shook my head at my craziness.

Of course it was just a burglar, probably some junkie teenager looking to buy his next fix, and he’s not going to come back now that he knows I have an alarm.

Man, as silly as I felt making that list, I’m glad I did. Even got a good night’s sleep in my bed that night. By the time Luke came over Saturday afternoon to set up that bookkeeping software, I was as ready as I was ever going to be.

Aiming for casual but not sloppy, I’d rummaged through the box of clothes from Christina and found some beige cargo pants and a periwinkle-blue T-shirt. Part of me wanted to throw on a jogging suit and mess up my house again, but when I looked in the mirror I didn’t mind what I saw.

I still haven’t gotten around to having my hair cut, so I just washed it and pulled it back. I’ve finally gained a bit of weight—never thought I’d think that was a good thing—and my face has filled out.

I debated putting on makeup—Mom brought me a bag of cosmetics in the hospital—but none of it was colors or brands I like. Anyway, even if I hadn’t heard The Freak’s voice telling me makeup is for whores, I couldn’t bring myself to call that much attention to my face. I settled for moisturizer, light pink lip balm, and mascara. I probably didn’t look as good as the old days but I’d definitely looked worse.

Luke, however, looked amazing when I answered his knock. He must have just come from work, because he wore black dress pants and a burnt-orange shirt that set off his warm olive skin and the amber flecks in his brown eyes.

Emma rolled over and wriggled at his feet. I answered his “Hi” with a barely audible one of my own, then stepped back so he could come in. We stood awkwardly in my foyer. He raised an arm as though he was going to touch me or pull me in for a hug, then let it drop. Considering my reaction the last two times he tried to touch me, I wasn’t surprised.

He crouched down to pet Emma. “She’s looking great, huh? I thought about bringing Diesel over but I didn’t know if that’d be too much chaos.”

I told the top of his head, “I’m not an invalid.”

“Never said you were.” Still crouched, he looked up and met my eyes with a smile. “So, should we have a look at this program? And by the way, you’re looking great yourself.”

I stared at him while my cheeks grew warm. A grin spread across his face. I twisted around so fast I almost tripped on Emma, and said, “Let’s go down to my office.”

The next hour whipped by as he showed me how to set up the program and we went through the system together. I enjoyed learning something new and was glad we had something to focus on besides each other—I was having a hard enough time adjusting to him sitting next to me. He was in the middle of explaining a section when I blurted out, “That time you noticed me leaving the store? I saw you with a girl. That’s why I was in such a hurry.”

“Annie, I—”

“And when you saw me in the hospital you were so fucking kind , with those flowers and that stuffed golden retriever, but I just couldn’t deal—with you, with anything. After that I asked the nurses to tell you I was only allowed visits from family and the police. And I hate that I did that, it was so nice of you, you’re always so nice, and I’m such a—”

“Annie, the day you were abducted… I was late for dinner.”

Well, that was news.

“The restaurant got busy and I lost track of time—I didn’t even call when your open house ended like I usually did, and when I finally called on my way to your house a half hour late and you didn’t pick up, I just thought you were mad. And when your car wasn’t there, I assumed you got stuck with your clients, so I went home to wait. It wasn’t until you still hadn’t returned my calls an hour later that I finally headed over to where you said you were doing the open house….” He took a deep breath. “God, when I saw your car in the driveway, then all your things just lying there on the counter… I called your mom right away.”

Turns out it was Mom who got the cops to take things seriously. She met Luke at the police station, convinced the desk sergeant I would never stand my boyfriend up, and was at the house when the cops found my purse in a closet, where I always put it for safekeeping. Since there weren’t any signs of a struggle, Luke was their main suspect in the beginning.

“After a few weeks I started drinking at the restaurant almost every night after work.”

“But you hardly ever—”

“I did a lot of dumb things then, things I never would have done….”

I wondered what dumb things he was talking about, but he looked so awkward and red-faced I said, “Don’t beat yourself up, you handled it better than I probably would have. Are you still drinking a lot?”

“After a few months I knew I was relying on the buzz, so I quit. By then most people thought you were dead. I didn’t feel like you were, but everyone was acting like you’d never be found and a lot of the time I was angry at you. I knew it was irrational, but in a way I blamed you. I never told you this, but I didn’t like you doing open houses—that’s why I usually called you after. You were so friendly, men can take that the wrong way.”

“But that was my job , Luke. You’re friendly at the restaurant—”

“I’m a guy, though, and look, I had stuff I had to work out for myself. I went a little crazy.”

Emma butted her head between us and broke the tension. We gave her a few strokes, then I asked her where her ball was and she took off.

“I went out with the girl you saw a couple of times, but I ended up talking about you and the case, so I knew I wasn’t ready. What I’m trying to say, Annie, is that I’m just as confused as you—and that we’ve both changed. But I do know I still care about you, still like being with you. I just wish I could help you more. You used to tell me how safe you felt with me.”