Chevy Stevens - Still Missing

I don’t think Mom meant to hurt my dog, and if I accused her of cruelty she’d be shocked. She didn’t raise her fist to Emma—not that I know of, anyway, but I doubt she would. But she didn’t give her any love for a year, and as far as I’m concerned that’s just as damaging as physical blows. Mom would never get that lack of affection is abuse.

After my baby died, I blocked out my grief by focusing on my hatred for The Freak as he forced me to continue with my daily routines like she’d never existed.

Late one morning after about a week of this, he went outside to chop wood in preparation for winter. I thought it was close to the end of July, but I wasn’t sure. Time only counts when you have a purpose. Sometimes I forgot to make a mark on the wall, but it didn’t matter—I knew I’d been there for almost a year, because when he opened the door I’d caught the scent of hot earth and warm fir trees, the same scents that filled the air on the day he took me.

While he cut wood, I was inside sewing some buttons on his shirt. I kept sneaking little glances at the baby’s basket, but then I’d see her blanket hanging neatly over the side where he’d placed it and jab the needle into my finger instead of the fabric.

After about twenty minutes he came back inside and said, “I have a job for you.”

The only other time he’d asked for my help was with the deer, and as he motioned for me to follow him outside, nerves made my legs go rubbery. Still gripping the shirt and with my hand holding the needle suspended in the air, I stared at him. His flushed face glowed with a fine sheen of sweat—I couldn’t tell whether it was from anger or exertion, but his voice was neutral when he spoke.

“Come on, we don’t have all day.” While I followed him out to a pile of large fir rounds, he said over his shoulder, “Now, pay attention. Your job is to pick up the pieces as I split them and stack them over there.” He pointed to a neat stack that came halfway up the side of the cabin.

Once in a while, when I was inside the cabin and he was outside, I heard the sound of a chain saw running, but I couldn’t see any fresh stumps at the edge of our clearing or any drag marks. A wheelbarrow leaned against the pile where he was chopping, so I figured he must have felled a tree in the forest and wheeled the bigger blocks in to be split into smaller pieces.

The pile was only about twelve feet from the stack. Seemed to me it would be easier to either chop the tree up into smaller pieces where he’d cut it down, or at least wheel the bigger blocks right next to where they had to be stacked. Just like with the deer, something told me this was him showing off.

I hadn’t been outside much since the baby died, and as I carried wood to the stack my eyes searched for any evidence of recently disturbed dirt. I didn’t find any, but I was only able to give the river a quick glance before memories of my baby on her blanket in the sun overwhelmed me.

After we’d been working for about an hour, I deposited an armload in the stack and came to stand a couple of feet behind him until he finished swinging the axe and it was safe for me to pick up more. He’d taken his shirt off and his back glistened with sweat. He paused for a breather, his back to me and the axe resting on his shoulder.

“We can’t let this distract us from our ultimate goal,” he said. “Nature has a plan.” What the hell was he talking about? “But so do I.” The shiny blade of the axe lifted high in the air. “It was better we found out early that she was weak.”

Then I got it, and my frozen heart shattered in my chest. He continued chopping, emitting one little grunt with each downswing, talking in between strokes.

“The next one will be stronger.”

Next one.

“It’s not quite six weeks, but you’re healed, so I’m going to let you get pregnant early. We’ll start tonight.”

I stood perfectly still, but a loud screaming began in my head. There were going to be more babies. It was never going to end.

The silver of the axe flashed in the bright sun as he lifted it over his shoulder for the next swing.

“No response, Annie?”

I was saved from having to answer when his axe got caught halfway through a piece of wood. He used his foot to pry the axe out, then leaned it against the woodpile to his right. With his foot braced on one side of the block, which shifted his body slightly away from the axe, he bent down and tried to break the split apart by hand.

Treading softly, I came up behind him on his right—the side angled away. I could have reached over and flicked one of the beads of sweat off his back. He grunted as his hands fought with the wood.

“Ouch!”

I held my breath as he brought his finger to his mouth and sucked at a sliver. If he turned, we’d be face-to-face.

He bent over again and resumed his struggle with the wood. Keeping my body directly behind him and facing the same direction, I focused my gaze on his back for the slightest sign he was about to turn, then reached for the axe. My hands caressed the warm smooth wood handle, still slick from his sweat, and curled over it in a tight grip. The weight of it felt right and solid as I lifted it up and brought it to rest on my shoulder.

His voice straining with effort, he said, “We’ll have another one by spring.”

I lifted the axe high.

I screamed, “ Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!” as I sank it into the back of his head.

It made the strangest sound, a wet thunk.

For a few seconds his body stayed bent, then he fell over facedown with both of his arms and the wood underneath him. He twitched a couple of times, then stilled.

Shaking with rage, I leaned over his body and yelled, “ Take that, you sick fuck!”

The forest was quiet.

Leaving a red trail in his blond curls, blood rolled down the side of his head, hit the dry ground with a plop, plop, plop , made a rapidly spreading pool, and stopped plopping.

I waited for him to turn around and hit me, but as the seconds turned to minutes my heart rate settled down and I was able to take a few deep breaths. The cut hadn’t split his head wide open or anything, but the blond hair around the axe head—embedded halfway into his skull—was a glistening mass of scarlet, and some of the hair seemed to have gone into the cut. A fly landed and crawled around in the wound, then two more landed.

Walking backward to the cabin on weak legs, I hugged my trembling body with my arms. My eyes were mesmerized by the axe handle reaching toward the sky and the crimson halo surrounding his head.

Safe inside the cabin, I ripped off my sweaty dress, then ran the shower until it was so hot it almost scalded my skin. Shaking violently, I sat down in the back of the tub, tucked my knees under my chin, and wrapped my arms tight around them to stop the muscle spasms. The water thundered down on my bowed head in a fiery baptism while I rocked myself and tried to comprehend what I’d done. My mind couldn’t grasp that he was really dead. Someone like him should have taken a silver bullet, a cross, and a stake through the heart to die. What if he wasn’t dead? I should have felt for a pulse. What if he was making his way back to the cabin right now? Despite the hot shower, I shivered.

Expecting him to jump out at me, I slowly opened the bathroom door and sent steam billowing out into the empty room. Slowly picked the dress off the floor and pulled it over my head. Slowly made my way to the cabin door. Slowly placed my ear against the cool metal. Silence.

I tested the knob, praying the door hadn’t locked behind me. It turned. I opened the door just an inch and peeked through. His body was still in the exact same position in the middle of the clearing, but the sun had shifted and the handle of the axe cast a shadow like a sundial.