Stevens Chevy - Never Knowing

“Ally, it’s me, it’s safe to come out now.” When she didn’t answer I panicked, but then I heard movement and she threw herself into my arms, almost knocking me over. We clung to each other, crying.

Finally she pulled away. “I heard you yelling, but I stayed hid like you told me.”

“You did great, Ally. I’m really proud of you.”

She wrinkled her nose. “You’re all wet.”

“I fell in the water.”

She looked around, her eyes huge, then whispered, “Where’s the bad man?”

“He’s gone, Ally, and he’s never coming back.”

She hugged me tight. “I want to go home, Mommy.”

“Me too.”

Back at the camp the fire still smoldered and a shiver snaked down my back at the sight of the frying pans on the ground and John’s chair lying on its side. I’d lost the cell in the river and was hoping he’d left his in the camper or truck. But a quick look around didn’t turn up a phone or his keys.

Now that some of the adrenaline was wearing off, I couldn’t stop shaking. I pulled on a jacket John had hung up in the camper, gagging at his scent mixed with wood smoke, and searched for the truck keys. When I hadn’t found them after ten minutes I started to panic. Ally, terrified from her ordeal, was following close behind as I ransacked the camper and truck.

John’s keys must be on his body or in the river. I debated my options — go back down to the river and see if they were still on him or head to the road with Ally and find help. I’d driven for a long time with John and never heard another vehicle. Ally would get tired fast, and I didn’t know how long I could carry her.

I was still trying to figure out what to do when Ally said, “I’m hungry .”

As I searched through John’s provisions, a chill came over me every time I noticed some little detail about his life. He liked whole milk and white bread. He had junk food stored everywhere. He liked Orange Crush and Coffee Crisps. It was the last one that shook me up the most. They were my favorite. Finally I found some peanut butter and made Ally a sandwich.

Then I said, “Ally Cat, you’re going to have to wait here for me for a little bit while I go down to the river, okay?”

“No!” She started to cry.

“Ally, it’s really important. I won’t be long and you can hide in the camper if you—”

She started to scream, “ No, no, no, no! ” and dropped the sandwich as she threw herself at my knees. There was no way I could leave her, but I couldn’t let her see John’s body either.

We’d walked for over an hour when I finally heard a vehicle coming down the road. As I turned and spotted the white forestry truck, I waved my arms. The truck came to a stop beside us and a smiling old man rolled down the window.

“You ladies lost?”

I started to cry.

After the cops pulled John’s body out of the water and investigated the scene, they found his wallet under the seat of his truck. His name was Edward John McLean, and once they ran some checks on him they found out he was a blacksmith who traveled through the Interior. The blacksmith thing fits with the metal dolls, and Billy said the noises I’d heard in the background on some of the calls were probably horses. Since then they’ve found his trailer with all his tools parked at a motel near Nanaimo.

Sandy’s okay. She had a concussion and spent a couple of days at the hospital for observation — Evan and she were there at the same time. Right after I gave my statement the day I killed John, I made the cops take me straight to Evan. When the police told him Ally and I were missing, he wanted to hold off on his surgery, but the doctors said it was too risky to wait, so he had to go through with it. He was just waking up when Ally and I got to the hospital, and he cried at the sight of us.

Ally and I brought Sandy flowers. When Ally handed them to her and said, “Thanks for trying to save me,” Sandy looked like she was fighting hard not to cry. I thought she’d quiz me about everything that had happened with John, but she didn’t say anything, even when Ally told her about hiding in the cave. I’d gotten so used to Sandy always being fired up about something it was weird seeing her pale and looking depressed. She was probably unhappy she didn’t get to kill John herself.

Billy had already filled me in on how John was able to abduct Ally in the first place. He’d started a fire down the road in someone’s woodshed so the officer parked outside our house had to investigate. Then he hid his truck in our next-door neighbor’s driveway and doubled back through our yards. He was in our backyard, probably planning to break in, when Sandy turned the alarm off and opened the sliding glass door to let Moose out for a pee. John jumped her and she was down, though not without drawing her gun. He’d left the back gate open and Moose fled the scene — a neighbor found him later that day.

Ally was in her bedroom when the “bad man” came in and told her Sandy wanted him to take her to her mommy up at the hospital. Ally didn’t believe him at first, but he said Moose was already in the truck. That did it.

The cops weren’t impressed with me for taking off after Sandy was hurt, but there’s not much they can do about it now. I had to give a statement about killing John, though, and the Crown has to investigate, but Billy said there’s no way it won’t be ruled self-defense.

Evan also gave me hell for going after Ally myself and not waiting for the cops, but he let it go — I think he was pretty shook up by how close we all came to losing one another. He’s not the only one.

Guess I’m even more like my father than we thought. I know it was self-defense, but I still killed a man. And not just any man, my own father. I wonder how God will feel about that one. I’m still not sure how I feel about it myself. I think what scares me the most is not that I did it, but that I didn’t even hesitate.

I’m so frustrated right now. What pisses me off the most is that after our last session I was actually starting to feel good again. I was just so glad everything was over that life took on this euphoric cast. The media frenzy died down. Evan and I never fought, my child could do no wrong, I loved my family and every one of them loved me back. Food even tasted better. But the more normal things turn, the more things, well, turn back to normal.

This morning Melanie came over to pick up the song list Evan and I made for the wedding. I’d spent the weekend ripping apart the house trying to find the CD she gave me, to no avail, so we decided it was just easier to let Kyle do it than have a family war. Right now I’m all about easier. But then last night Evan found the CD — I’d managed to put it back in the wrong case after still not playing it. We listened to it and turns out they aren’t half bad, but the real standout was this woman singing in the background. Her voice was amazing, sort of Sara McLachlan meets Stevie Nicks.

When Melanie arrived I was in the backyard trying to water my pathetic attempt at a garden. We went inside and I gave her the list.

“On the CD there’s a woman in the background,” I said while her eyes scanned the page. “Do you know how to contact her?”

Her head jerked up. “Why?”

“I was hoping she’d sing at the wedding too.”

Melanie’s face flushed and she stared down at the CD.

I said, “Was that you ?”

She looked up and her eyes flashed. “You don’t have to sound so surprised.”

“Well, I am. You’ve never sung before — that I know of.”

She shrugged. “I sing at the pub sometimes.”

“You should totally pursue singing, Melanie. You could really be something.”