Stevens Chevy - Never Knowing

We could hide. But then what? Eventually I’d have to come out with Ally and he’d still be in the woods — waiting. This was never going to end. A startled grouse ran out of the brush in front of us, dragging her wings and pretending to be wounded so we didn’t notice her young. That’s what I needed — a decoy, something that would distract him. I looked into the forest, looked down at the river. The river — John told me he can’t swim.

I turned to my left and headed into the woods. Thankfully I only had to go a few yards before I spotted a small cave cut into a rock face. I set Ally down beside it and dropped to my knees in front of her.

“Ally, I need you to really listen to me now. I want you to stay in this cave, and you can’t say anything — not a peep — until I come get you.”

“Nooooooo!” She started to cry. “Don’t leave me, Mommy. Please. I’ll be really, really quiet.”

Tears came to my own eyes, but I grabbed her hands and squeezed them.

“I don’t want to leave you, sweetie, but I’m going to get us out of here. I promise .”

John’s voice called out through the woods. “Saaarrrrraaa…”

He was close.

“I need you to be super brave now, Ally Cat. I’m going to be making lots of noises and yelling your name over and over, but it’s only to fool him. It will all be pretend. So you can’t come out, okay?”

She nodded, her eyes huge. I kissed her cheek hard.

“Now go — quick like a bunny.” As she turned to burrow into the hole, I said, “Remember, Ally. You’re helping me fool him, so no matter what, don’t come out.” My mind filled with the horrifying image of her skeleton found years from now and I prayed I was doing the right thing. I grabbed her hand and kissed her little fingers one last time.

When she was squeezed in as far as possible, I whispered, “I’ll be back soon. See you later Ally -gator.”

She whispered back, “In a while, crocodile.”

I took a breath and left my child behind.

I headed straight back down the trail and toward the river. Just before I broke out of the forest and onto the top of the path that would take me down the side of the falls, I paused to listen for John but couldn’t hear anything over the roar of the water. I knew I wouldn’t have much time, so I slid down the steep path on my hands and knees, grasping at ferns and branches to stop myself from tumbling over the edge. Then I was at the bottom, where the falls dropped into a jade-green pool of icy mountain water.

I pulled off my running shoes and stared down into the river.

“Sara!” John bellowed from somewhere in the forest above.

I took a deep breath and dove straight in. The frigid water sucked the air out of my chest and I came to the surface coughing and spluttering. After I sucked in a lungful of air, I dove in again, and when I popped back up to the surface, I yelled, “Ally!” as loud as I could — terrified she’d forget my warning and come running. I dove several more times. Between dives I scanned the shore for John.

Finally I spotted him picking his way down the side trail. I frantically slapped at the water, spinning my body around, then dove under again, coming to the surface screaming.

“Ally! Someone help me !”

I dove in again and when I popped up, John was standing on the shore holding a rifle by his side. Angry red marks from the hot grease striped his face, and his forehead was crimson and blotchy.

“John, Ally fell in and went over the falls!” I poured every ounce of my fear and terror into my voice. “She’s going to drown !”

He ran forward and stood on the very edge of the smooth rock jutting out into the water.

“Where did she go under?”

As I treaded water, I shook my head and choked out, “I don’t know. I can’t find her.” My teeth chattered as I said, “Help. I’m sorry, John. Help me!”

He hesitated for a moment, then said, “We should look downstream. The current may have carried her farther.”

I reached for the large flat rock he was standing on like I was going to crawl up, then let my hands slip off the wet surface and splashed back into the water. He leaned over the water and reached out. I swam closer.

I only had one chance at this.

I braced both feet on a large boulder below. As I gripped one of his hands, I let my fingers slide out so that he leaned forward farther to catch me. When his entire upper body was leaning over the water, I grabbed his hand and pulled with all my strength while twisting my body to the side.

John crashed into the water behind me. He came to the surface spluttering and slapping at the water with his hands.

“Sara, I can’t swim!”

I quickly paddled to the shore and tried to lift myself up onto the rock, but he grabbed the back of my leg and pulled me into the river with him. My throat filled with water.

I twisted out of his grasp and kicked back up to the surface, gasping for air. He had hold of my shirt and came up with me. I clawed at his face and rammed my knee into his groin under the water. His grip loosened and I propelled myself backward.

Our struggle had pushed us downstream and closer to the shore, where the water was shallower. John would be able to reach the bottom soon. As my feet found loose rocks under them, I started to rise. John was behind me again, but in his panic he didn’t realize the water was only a few feet deep. He grabbed at my waist and pulled me down. As I came up for air, I kicked back with my feet and my heel connected with his chin.

My hands grasped at rocks under the water and I used them to pull myself away. This time he’d also found purchase on the rocks and he was beginning to rise behind me.

My hands found a large jagged rock. I twisted my body around as he reached for me.

“Sara, I was only trying to—”

I rose up and hit him in the temple as hard as I could. His fingers reached to touch the bloody gash that opened up on the side of his head. He fell to his knees. “Sara…” His voice was agonized. Blood poured from the wound.

I scrambled to my feet. With both hands holding the rock, I swung hard and fast, smashing it into his temple with a loud crack . The rock slipped out of my hand and splashed a few feet down the river.

He fell forward into the water, then pushed himself up on his hands and knees, swaying. He shook his head and reached for me as I scrambled backward. His torso landed on my legs. I squirmed to the side and got to my feet. He rose unsteadily. I kicked him in the side of the knee. He stumbled and lost his balance, falling onto his back. I leaped on him and drove all my weight down onto his chest. His head went under the water and he thrashed around, clawing at my legs. I left one knee on his chest and pressed my other down hard on his throat. He bucked again, almost dislodging me. My hands grasped at another rock in the water. I hit him in the head. He struggled harder, hands clawing at my legs. I hit him again, and again, and again. I realized I was screaming. The water around his head turned red.

He was still.

My heart pounded as I gulped at the air. I stayed kneeling far longer than he could hold his breath underwater. Finally I lifted my knee off and stood up, stumbling backward on suddenly weak legs. His body floated up slightly. His face was a shocked mask, his mouth open, red hair mixed with blood. A gash on the side of his head exposed white bone.

I scrambled over the slippery rocks to the shore, then hunched over, gagging up water and fear into the sand.

I had killed him. I had killed my father. I stared at his still body, watching it drift with the current while mine shook violently.

I staggered back up the trail. Exhausted, I slipped several times, grasping at roots and ferns to pull my bruised body back up. When I was at the top, I got disorientated and couldn’t find the trail into the woods where I’d left Ally. I spent a heart-stopping few minutes retracing my steps until I recognized an old twisted cedar tree and found the cave.