Brian Freeman - The Cold Nowhere

‘I don’t know.’

‘Did you do something?’

‘Like what?’

‘Whatever. Steal something you shouldn’t. Fuck somebody you shouldn’t.’

‘I didn’t do anything!’ Cat insisted, eyes blazing.

‘Except you said you don’t know, right? So maybe you did. You should think about it.’

‘I have.’

‘I’m just saying. Everybody does things they regret, huh? Everybody makes mistakes they wish they could take back. I’d cut out my heart to go back and do things right.’

‘You think I wouldn’t? But not this time. This one’s not about me.’

‘Okay.’ Dory reached over and stroked Cat’s hair, the way a mother would. ‘The doctor, he checked you out? You’re okay?’

Cat eyed the street. She said nothing. She told herself she wouldn’t cry.

‘The doctor?’ Dory repeated.

‘Yeah, sure. I’m fine.’

‘You don’t look fine.’

‘I’m okay, can we drop it?’

‘Whatever you say.’

Dory tossed a butt into the frosty grass. Cat took the unlit cigarette out of her mouth and handed it back to her aunt, who slid it between her teeth and lit it.

‘You don’t have to stay here with me,’ Cat said.

‘I told Stride I would. He was afraid you’d run.’

‘I won’t.’

‘Yeah, well. I’ll stay anyway.’

Cat wished Dory would go. She wanted to be alone. Stride was right, though; she might run. Sometimes it wasn’t even a conscious thought. When she stayed in one place too long, she got claustrophobic, like she was in a box, and she had to get out before she ran out of air.

‘Why Stride?’ Dory asked. ‘Why’d you go to his place? You don’t know him.’

‘Mother liked him.’

‘That doesn’t mean anything. She liked your father, too. She didn’t see who he really was until it was too late. A fucking beast, that was Marty.’

Cat frowned. ‘Stop that. Don’t talk like that.’

‘Yeah, I know. Nothing bad about Marty. Jesus, Catalina.’ Dory grazed the chain on Cat’s neck with the back of her hand and Cat shrank from her. Her aunt’s face looked sunken, almost gray. ‘You think it’s so smart going to a cop?’

‘I trust him.’

‘Cops are trouble. I don’t care what he tells you. You always have to watch what you say, huh?’

‘He’s trying to help me.’

Dory shook her head. She looked like she wanted to say more, but she didn’t. Cat felt bad. She reached out and put a hand on her aunt’s leg. When she squeezed, she could feel bone, as if Dory were eroding under the weight of the world. I’d cut out my heart to go back and do things right.

‘I thought about killing a man last night,’ Cat told her. ‘I almost did it.’

Dory took the cigarette out of her mouth. Her eyes narrowed. ‘You?’

‘It would have been so easy. It scared me.’

Cat explained about the car salesman on the boat. What he wanted to do to her. How she hit him, how she held the knife and thought about plunging it into his body. Make him bleed. Make him die.

‘Sounds like he deserved it,’ Dory said.

Cat shook her head. ‘No, it was me.’

‘You still carry a knife, huh?’

Cat’s arm dropped to her calf, and her fingers slipped inside the leather of her boot. She’d found a knife inside a drawer when Dr. Steve left the room. The handle was stainless steel, cool against her skin. The blade was sharp and open, so she’d wrapped it in a piece of gauze.

‘Yeah. Always.’

‘You know what they say about knives and guns,’ her aunt said.

‘What?’

‘You keep them around, sooner or later you find a way to use them.’

Cat forced a hollow smile at Dory. She thought: Vincent .

‘ Don’t make me .’

‘You’re safe, Cat. You’re with me. You trust me, remember? Tell me what you heard that night.’

‘ I didn’t hear anything .’

‘Cat, that isn’t true, is it? You were there. You can’t be free of the pain until you remember.’

‘ There’s nothing. It’s blank. It’s always been blank .’

‘Your mother.’

‘ No .’

‘Your mother.’

‘ No, please .’

‘Relax, Cat. It’s safe. I’m here. No one can hurt you. When you wake up, you’ll be at peace. Now tell me about your mother.’

‘ Scr-screaming. She was screaming .’

‘Screaming what?’

‘ STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP No no no no no no .’

‘More, Cat.’

‘ No no no no … oh God … oh God …’

‘What else did your mother say?’

‘ Please … I’m dying … I’m dying …’

‘Your father was there, too. What did he say to her?’

‘ Vincent, no. Don’t make me. ’

‘Your father, Cat. What did he say? You have to trust me. You have to do this to be free of the past.’

‘ He … he said …’

‘Tell me.’

‘ I’ll kill you I’ll kill you I’ll kill you I’ll kill you I’ll kill you .’

‘Good. Tell me more.’

‘ You fucking bitch, this is what you deserve! You cheating whore! ’

‘Go on, Cat. What happened next?’

‘ Silence .’

‘I don’t understand. Is it over?’

‘ Silence .’

‘What’s happening, Cat? You’re still under the porch. What do you hear?’

‘ Footsteps .’

‘Footsteps? Whose footsteps?’

‘ Where’s the girl? ’

‘What? Who’s talking?’

‘ Where’s the girl? ’

‘I don’t understand. Tell me what’s going on, Cat.’

‘ Where’s the girl? ’

‘Cat? Come back to me, Cat.’

‘ I’ll protect you. It’s okay. I’ll protect you .’

‘Who’s talking, Cat?’

‘ I’ll protect you .’

‘Cat? What’s happening? You’re safe. Trust me, Cat, it’s Vincent. Talk to me.’

‘ BANG .’

‘What’s going on, Cat?’

‘ Oh, no, no, no. He’s dead. They’re both dead. Oh, God .’

‘Your father?’

‘ He killed him .’

‘What? Who?’

‘ Sirens .’

‘Talk to me, Cat.’

‘ I’ll protect you .’

‘Everything’s okay. What’s my name, Cat?’

‘ Come out, it’s okay .’

‘My name, Cat. Who am I?’

‘ Stride. My name is Stride .’

‘So?’ Maggie asked as Stride climbed into her yellow Avalanche, which was parked beside the ship.

Despite the frigid morning air, he lowered the window. He liked it cold. ‘Cat was there. She was on the boat.’

Maggie nodded but otherwise didn’t react. Her fingers drummed the steering wheel as Guns N’ Roses played on the radio. It was a big truck for a little woman, and she needed blocks to reach the pedals. She drove insanely fast, and the streaks and grooves in the paint testified to numerous collisions. Sergeant Guppo had suggested that the truck be registered as a weapon with the Bureau of Criminal Apprehension in St. Paul.

‘Anybody see anything?’ she asked.

‘No, they were busy with the other girls.’

‘Whose party was it?’

‘Leonard Keck.’

Maggie stopped drumming. She clicked off the stereo and gave him a Billy Idol snarl with her upper lip. ‘Lowball Lenny? Seriously? That sucks. K-2 will want us treating him with kid gloves.’

‘Yeah, the story is that Lenny left before the girls arrived. Convenient, huh?’

‘You think he hung around for the fun?’

Stride shrugged. ‘Everybody knows Lenny’s a playboy. I saw a condom wrapper in the lounge on the upper deck. Who do you think gets the top floor in that party?’