Jeff Lindsay - Dexter's Final Cut

Apparently, someone could, especially Patrick Bergmann. And so I stared, thinking that I was surely hallucinating, because in consensus reality, nothing is ever this easy. But for all my staring, the page didn’t change. It still showed a picture of Patrick standing next to some kind of cement pillar with Biscayne Bay in the background. Behind him and across the water the skyline of downtown Miami stuck up aggressively, and underneath the picture it said, CAMPING IN MIAMI!

I had hoped for some tiny hint, but this-I had to fight down an irrational moment of affection for good old Facebook and remember that, after all, I was the one who had thought to look there, based on my uncannily accurate assessment of Patrick’s personality. And there it was, right where I had hoped it would be.

If I had been feeling a little squeamish about taking out Patrick without Dexter’s Due Process, all such tender feelings vanished now. Anyone this completely clueless did not deserve another day of using up oxygen that I might want someday. It was a clear civic duty to yank this idiot out of existence ASAP, before he had a chance to contaminate the gene pool.

I studied the picture; for some reason I thought I had seen this spot before, and it was more than the familiarity of the Miami skyline and water. I suppose I could have figured out the location by triangulating the angle on the high-rise buildings in the background with the azimuth of the sun’s arc times pi or something, but I was sure I had seen this exact spot before, and almost as sure I would remember why if I stared at it long enough. And sure enough, after only a few minutes of Zen concentration, I had it.

As noted earlier, there are not really very many places in Miami where camping is encouraged. But there is one place where it is absolutely required . And this picture had been taken there, beyond all reasonable doubt.

Miami Law has its own peculiar logic-or lack of it-and Patrick had landed in one of the most shining examples. An ordinance had passed forbidding sexual predators from living within twenty-five hundred feet of anything that might contain children. But these same poor benighted pedophiles were required by the parole board to live within those same city limits. Because twenty-five hundred feet is, when you think about it, a relatively long distance, it turned out that there was only one place where these people could live that satisfied both requirements-underneath the Julia Tuttle Causeway, on a spoil island halfway between Miami and Miami Beach.

Patrick was there. It could be nowhere else. Still, Due Diligence is Dexter’s middle name, so I Googled the location and looked at a few pictures: They matched up perfectly. Patrick was indeed camping out in the sexual predators’ colony, under a bridge on the Julia Tuttle Causeway. A small leathery something stirred within me, and a jittery twinge of excitement rose up to meet it.

I had him.

Midday Miami. The sun was high and hot, although not as hot in this mild autumn as it had been just a few months ago. Still, the number of license plates on cars from the North said very clearly that it was more pleasantly hot here than it was in New Jersey or Michigan at this time of year. It felt very odd to drive among the mildly vacuous tourists in the bright afternoon, cuddling my intended shadows to my breast and whispering soft promises to them that yes, indeed, we really were on our way to do what only we can do so well, no matter that it was day and not night, no matter that there was no sound track from a silver-red moon floating down to us, no soft chorus of sweet anticipation from a deep blue nighttime sky. Here there is only the alien noise of the docile and happy early afternoon traffic on the throughway, not even the homicidal comfort of rush hour, and this is the wrong music, tempo far too easy, harmonies off or missing; it is all different, unsettling, wrong, not at all what we are used to.

Midday and moonless, idling along among the families from Ohio and retired couples from Iowa and the businessmen from Brazil, instead of lurking in the shade of a night meant for mischief, and it all seems so improper, as if we have wandered into a church and found everyone naked.

But it is what we have, it is where and when we are, what we must deal with, no matter that it all feels so unsuitable, so unreal, so very much not right now. How can it be? Here in the sunlight-how can it happen? How can we swim through the glare of a beach-perfect day to do our night-dark best? There has never before been a Dexter by Daylight, and the shadow babies inside that slither out so happily into the dark of a Joyful Night are not happy to come out and play in this high-noon shimmer of light and breeze and bright red sunburns on pale white bodies. They are not happy at all, and the Dark Passenger is not happy, and so Dexter, too, is far from pleased with things as they are.

But things are, inarguably, what they are. We must take them as we find them, and in the very short time given us we must prepare. And so we meander through the traffic and down onto Eighth Street. Calle Ocho, home of cafecitas and pastelitas , and, as tempting as these things usually are, we bypass them this time and pull into the parking lot of a pool supply store. We blink once more at the unwanted sun, and then go into the store, where we buy a small plastic water-testing kit, paying cash, and then head back out to the parking lot, where we open the trunk.

From inside the trunk we lift out a short-sleeved white shirt, and standing there in the very scant shelter beside our little car we change into it. There is a skinny black clip-on tie in its pocket and this, too, we put on. Finally and very importantly, we take out a clipboard, and now our disguise is complete and we are ready. We are no longer Dexter Daystalker; we have magically morphed into Anonymous Official Man.

It is an old disguise, but it is always effective. People see a clipboard and a tie and they see nothing else. In this case they will see Nameless Official Water Tester, and as we mosey through the predators’ camp, scanning for a red Ninja or any other sign of our prey, we will pause now and then to take water samples and scribble notes, secure in the knowledge that a clipboard provides better invisibility than Harry Potter’s cloak.

In the car we unwrap our water-testing kit and place it on top of the clipboard in the passenger seat, and then we are away, out onto Ocho and north to NE 36th Street, and then out onto the Julia Tuttle Causeway.

Traffic is thin by Miami standards and we move easily out the causeway. We drive past the predators’ colony, looking casually-carefully for any sign of Patrick and, seeing none, we pull over onto the shoulder some fifty yards past. We gather the props for our little costume drama, and then we open the door and step out into the dreadful wrongness of that bright noontime sun. We stand for a moment and blink, hoping that somehow it will grow slightly darker for our purpose, or at least that we may become slightly easier with the ceaseless blinding light that assaults us so unpleasantly.

But neither of these things happens. The sun hammers down, and we are still uneasy, and we have so very little time. So we take a deep breath, hold our clipboard firmly in our hand, and march back toward the bridge that shelters the colony.

The sun seems hotter on the walk back to the bridge and we are sweating freely by the time we step off the road and down into the shade under the bridge-sweating when we should be all icy cool control, sweating with the strangeness as well as the heat, watching with mild alarm as great hot drops roll down off our forehead, skitter down our nose, and splat onto the concrete. We are sweating, and it is daylight, and there are people all around and these things should not be, and it makes our footsteps seem a size too large as they slap the cement in their too-loud awkward off-rhythm. But we move ahead because we must, past the first tent, where a hairless middle-aged black man is weight-lifting with two one-gallon plastic milk containers filled, apparently, with water. His arms are thin, but the veins stand out as he curls his arms open and shut, open and shut. He stares at us and we nod; he looks away quickly, and we step past him to the water’s edge, where we kneel and fill our little plastic analyzer with water. We hold it up to the sun and squint at it for a moment, and then we dump it, stand, scribble on the clipboard, and move on.