Simon Green - The Dark Side of the Road

I didn’t.

‘Given that Sylvia is undead,’ I said, ‘I think we have to assume the cold won’t affect her as much as it does us. So she can survive out here without the need for protective clothing.’

‘Seems likely,’ said Jeeves. ‘The way she looked … I swear to God I never saw anything like that in my life … Her flesh had rotted right down to the bone, in places! And those eyes, and the teeth … Things like that just shouldn’t be possible, in any sane and rational world!’

‘Mostly, they aren’t,’ I said. ‘But it’s a bigger world than most people ever have to realize. There’s room in it for lots of extreme things, good and bad.’

‘She could be hiding anywhere,’ Jeeves said unhappily. ‘In the fog, in the snow. Lying in wait, to attack us as we pass.’

‘Seems likely,’ I said.

We stared out into the night. Stark vivid moonlight blazed back at us from the snow-covered grounds. Smooth white dunes everywhere, rising and falling, unmarked and undisturbed. Large snowy objects before us that used to be our parked cars. I couldn’t even tell which was mine any more. They sort of reminded me of igloos, which made me wonder whether Sylvia might be hiding inside one of the cars. Safe and unsuspected, and insulated from the cold. But no; there was no way she could have smoothed the snow back again, once she was inside. She was a vampire, not a magician.

I did meet a magician, once. He sawed his wife in half. The police never did find him.

I looked around, taking my time. The tithe barn loomed out of the mists on one side of the manor house, and the terraced row of cottages showed dimly through the fog on the other side. Beyond them, I could just make out the snow-covered gardens, with their trees and hedges and topiary structures. So many dim dark shapes, in the glowing grey mists.

‘She could be anywhere, out here!’ said Jeeves. ‘Where do we even start?’

‘She’s a predator,’ I said. ‘They do like to lie in wait. But the longer we put this off, the more chances she has to set her plans against us.’

There was a long pause.

‘Are you as reluctant to go out there as I am?’ said Jeeves. ‘I mean, once we leave the house, we’re committed. No turning back. We hunt the vampire till we find it, and then either we kill it, or it kills us.’

‘I am extremely reluctant,’ I said. ‘But experience has taught me it’s nearly always best to hold your nose and jump right in. Because the water isn’t going to get any warmer.’

‘You know what really scares me?’ said Jeeves, meeting my gaze with almost brutal honesty. ‘If she decided not to kill me. If she decided to bite me and make me into a creature like her. A thing of … endless appetites and no emotions. Not caring about anyone or anything, ever again. I wouldn’t want to go on living if I couldn’t care any more. If I didn’t care about my Leilah.’

‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘I’ll make sure you’re properly dead.’

‘I was going to say: don’t let Sylvia get anywhere near me!’ said Jeeves. ‘Dear God, you have a morbid state of mind, Ishmael!’

‘Comes with the job,’ I said. ‘And the territory.’

We shared a brief smile.

‘I’ll do the same for you, if I have to,’ said Jeeves.

‘Good to know,’ I said. ‘Remember, the way to a vampire’s heart is straight under the sternum, and then lean in hard.’ I looked out at the snow and the fog. ‘We’re going to have to check all the outbuildings, and then make sure she can’t conceal herself in any of them.’

‘How are we going to do that?’

‘Set fire to them,’ I said. ‘Burn them all, right down to the ground. Preferably with Sylvia inside. But at the very least, we have to drive her out into the open, where we can get at her.’

I realized Jeeves was looking at me, apparently genuinely shocked. It took him a moment to get the words out.

‘ Are you crazy ? These are all listed buildings! Historical treasures; part of our country’s architectural heritage! Each and every one of them is worth a small fortune in their own right!’

‘ Antiques Roadshow can bill me,’ I said.

‘You really aren’t human,’ said Jeeves.

‘We both need to bundle up warm before we go out,’ I said. ‘There’s suitable clothing in the cupboard to your left. I plan to wrap a thick scarf around my neck several times.’

‘You really think that’ll stop a bite?’ said Jeeves.

‘No. But it should keep the cold out.’

‘Do we have a plan?’

‘Of course. You start the fires, and I’ll keep watch.’

‘So I can take the blame for all the arson,’ said Jeeves. ‘Because you’re not planning on being here when my people finally turn up, are you?’

‘Like the Organization I work for,’ I said, ‘I don’t officially exist.’

Jeeves sighed, loudly. ‘This job started out so well. Really good money, just to play bodyguard at a country house weekend. A chance for Leilah to show off her culinary skills. Easy money … We should have known better.’

I closed the front door to keep out the cold. And so I could be sure the vampire wouldn’t sneak back in and ambush us while we were getting changed. I showed Jeeves the walk-in cupboard, and we piled on as many layers of heavy clothing as we could manage, while still being able to move freely. I remembered doing this before with Penny. Remembered walking with her through the snow-covered grounds, with no idea of what kind of day lay ahead of us. I remembered finding the Colonel’s body inside a snowman and knowing my world would never be the same again.

When Jeeves and I finished dressing, we both stood back to look each other over. With a scarf pulled up over his mouth and nose, and a woolly hat pulled down hard over his shaven head to just above his eyebrows, all I could see of Jeeves was his eyes. But I was pretty sure he wasn’t smiling.

We went back to the front door, and I hauled it open. Both of us were braced and ready, just in case Sylvia was lying in wait on the other side. It’s what I would have done. Instead there was just the fog and the snow, and the shimmering moonlight. The air was barely moving, hardly disturbing the heavy mists.

‘Easy to hide in,’ said Jeeves.

‘For us, as well as her,’ I said.

‘Unless her undead senses work better than ours.’

‘I doubt they’re better than mine,’ I said. ‘I should be able to tell if she’s anywhere near us … Any sound will travel well on this quiet, and with her glamour gone, she stinks of the grave.’

‘You sure you’ll be able to sense her?’

‘I’m going out there, aren’t I?’

Jeeves sighed, heavily. ‘You know the real problem, here? I never once suspected Sylvia might be the killer. I liked Sylvia.’

‘Everyone did,’ I said. ‘I think that’s the point of having a glamour.’

Jeeves nodded and called back down the hall to Leilah.

She immediately stuck her head out of the doorway. ‘Yes?’ she said loudly. ‘What do you want? I’m busy! Heavy defensive barricades don’t build themselves, you know!’

‘I’m going to lock the front door behind us, Leilah,’ said Jeeves. ‘So when we come back, we’ll need you to let us in. I’ll knock like this, so you can be sure it’s me.’ He knocked three times quickly on the door, followed by two slow and hard. ‘Don’t leave me out in the cold, girl.’

‘I’ll be listening,’ said Leilah. ‘Dear God, look at the state of you. Are you sure you’ve got enough clothes on? Don’t forget your knock, or I swear I’ll leave you out there.’

‘She would, too,’ Jeeves said proudly.

‘And you say I’m weird,’ I said.

‘You are!’ Leilah said loudly.