Carl Hiassen - Sick Puppy

Twilly walked her to the telephone booth and put a quarter in her right hand. He said, "I'll be on my way now."

"Can't I say good-bye to Bood – I mean, McGuinn?"

"You two already said your good-byes."

"Now, remember the trick I showed you to give him his pills. The roast-beef trick. He's partial to rare."

"We'll manage," Twilly said.

"And keep him out of the water until those stitches are healed."

"Don't worry," he said.

Desie caught her reflection in the cracked glass door of the phone booth. With a frail laugh, she said, "God, I'm a mess. I look like a drowned canary." She was stalling because she couldn't make sense of her feelings; because she didn't want to go home to her wealthy powerful husband. She wanted to stay with the edgy young criminal who had broken into her home and abducted her pet dog. Well, of course she did. Wouldn't any normal, settled, well-adjusted wife feel the same way?

"You're serious about this?" she said to Twilly.

He was incredulous at the question. "You saw what I saw. Hell yes, I'm serious."

"But you'll go to jail."

"That all depends."

Desie said, "I don't even know your name."

Twilly smiled. "Yes, you do. It's printed on the car-rental receipt, the one you swiped out of the glove compartment last night in Fort Pierce."

She reddened. "Oops."

As Twilly turned away, Desie reached for his arm. She said, "Before I go home, I want to be sure. That was no joke back there? They deliberately buried all those harmless little – "

"Yeah, they did."

"God. What kind of people would do something like that?"

"Ask your husband," said Twilly, pulling free.

The airplane was a twin-engine Beech. When Desie stepped aboard, the pilot asked, "Where's your friend?"

Desie was flustered; she thought he meant the kidnapper.

"The dog," said the pilot. "Mr. Stoat said you were traveling with a dog."

"He was mistaken. I'm alone."

The plane took off and banked to the west. Desie expected it to turn southbound, but it didn't. Squinting into the sun, she leaned forward and tried to raise her voice above the engines.

"Where are you going?"

"One more stop," the pilot said over his shoulder. "Panama City."

"What for?" Desie asked, but he didn't hear her.

It was a choppy and uncomfortable flight, more than an hour, and Desie was steaming by the time they got there. Palmer should have come up on the plane to pick her up; that's what a husband ought to do when his wife is freed from a kidnapping. At the least, he should have directed the pilot to bring her straight home, instead of making her sit through a bumpy add-on leg. Desie assumed Palmer was taking advantage of the plane's availability to pick up one of his big-shot cronies, thereby saving a few bucks on a separate charter. She wondered who'd be riding with her on the return trip to Lauderdale, and hoped it wasn't some asshole mayor or senator. Some of Palmer's lobbying clients were tolerable in small doses, but Desie couldn't stand the politicians with whom her husband avidly fraternized. Even Dick Artemus, the undeniably charismatic governor, had managed to repulse Desie with a distasteful ethnic joke within moments of being introduced; Desie had been poised to launch a margarita in his face when Palmer intervened, steering her to a neutral corner.

But no other passenger boarded the Beechcraft in Panama City. The pilot stepped off briefly and returned carrying a Nike shoe box, which he asked Desie to hold during the flight.

"What's inside?" she said.

"I don't know, ma'am, but Mr. Stoat said to take special care with it. He said it's real valuable."

Through the window Desie saw a gray Cadillac parked on the tarmac near the Butler Aviation Terminal. Standing by the driver's side of the car was a middle-aged Asian man in a raspberry-colored golf shirt and shiny brown slacks. The man was counting through a stack of cash, which he placed into a billfold. Once the plane began to taxi, the Asian man glanced up and waved, presumably at the pilot.

Desie waited until they were airborne before opening the shoe box. Inside was an opaque Tupperware container filled with a fine light-colored powder. Desie would have guessed it was cake mix, except for the odd musky smell. She snapped the lid on the container and set it back in the box and began to wonder, irritably, if her husband had gone into the narcotics business.

Palmer Stoat didn't fly to Gainesville to meet Desie because Robert Clapley unexpectedly had phoned to congratulate him for icing the funds to build the new Toad Island bridge. In the course of the conversation Clapley mentioned he was headed to a friend's farm near Lake Okeechobee for some off-road bird shooting, and he'd be delighted if Stoat joined him.

"Oh, and I've got the rest of your money," Clapley added.

Stoat took the interstate to U.S. 27 and sped north toward Clewiston. An hour later he located Clapley, waiting in a field of bare dirt that not so long ago had been a tomato patch. The field had been baited heavily with seeds, and all that remained for the two hunters was to wait for the doves to show up. It wasn't much of a challenge but that was fine with Palmer Stoat, who hadn't yet shaken the bleary bone-ache from his hangover. Clapley set up a roomy canvas shooting blind and broke out a bottle of expensive scotch. With a matching flourish, Stoat produced two large cigars from a pocket of his hunting vest. The men drank and puffed and told pussy-related lies until the birds started arriving. The blind was spacious enough for both men to fire their shotguns simultaneously, and in only two hours they shot forty-one doves, very few of which were actually airborne at the time. The rest of the doves were on the ground, obliviously pecking up birdseed, when they got blasted. The men didn't even need a retriever, since the doves all succumbed within twenty yards of the portable blind, where the bulk of the food had been sprinkled.

At dusk the men quit shooting and removed their earmuffs. Clapley began picking up the small ruffled bodies and dropping them in a camo duffel. Behind him walked the wobbly Stoat, his shotgun propped butt-first across his shoulder.

"How many a these tasty little gumdrops you want?" Clapley asked.

"Not many, Bob. Just enough for me and the wife."

Later, when he got home and began to sober up, Stoat realized that Robert Clapley had forgotten to give him the $50,000 check.

When Desie arrived, Palmer was plucking the birds in the kitchen. He got up to hug her but she ducked out of reach.

He said, "Tell me what happened, sweetie. Are you all right?"

"Like you care."

And so it went for nearly an hour – Stoat apologizing for coming home so bombed the previous night that he'd failed to notice Desie was missing; apologizing for not being on the airplane to meet her in Gainesville; apologizing for not personally picking her up at the Fort Lauderdale airport (although he'd sent a chauffeured Town Car!); apologizing for failing to comment upon her odd attire – baggy sweatpants and an orange mesh University of Florida football jersey, purchased in haste at a campus bookstore; apologizing for not inquiring sooner if the deranged kidnapper had raped her or roughed her up; and, finally, apologizing for stacking dead doves on the kitchen table.

Then Desie said: "Aren't you even going to ask about Boodle?"

So Stoat apologized again, this time for not being properly concerned about the abducted family pet.

"Where is he, hon?"

"The kidnapper's still got him," Desie announced.

"Oh, this is crazy."

"You're not going to like it."

"How much does he want?" Stoat asked.

"He's not after money."

"Then what?"

Desie repeated what the strange young dog-napper had instructed her to say. She omitted the fact that she was the one who'd tipped him off to the Shearwater project.