Стюарт Макбрайд - 22 Dead Little Bodies and Other Stories

‘Because they’re idiots.’ She groaned. Covered her face with her free hand. ‘No’ that this situation isn’t dramatic enough, but it’s about to get worse.’

‘What now?’

‘I need a pee.’

Breath whooshed out of him. ‘You are not peeing the bed.’

‘I’m peeing in, or on, something, whether you like it or not.’

‘Well... pee in the wardrobe then. Or better yet: tie a knot in it.’

She frowned at him. ‘How am I supposed to “tie a knot” in it? Have you no idea how a woman’s body—’

‘Shhh...’

Logan stared at the door.

Click .

It swung open, and there was Alec Hadden back again. With a length of chain in one hand and a padlock in the other. His mouth tightened and his eyes widened. ‘What did I tell you about moving the bed? You’ve scratched the hell out of the floor! Look at it. LOOK AT IT!’

‘Think it’s bad now?’ Steel sniffed. ‘Wait till I pee on it.’

He dropped the chain and the padlock. ‘You horrible... How...’ He clenched a fist. Took a deep breath. Nodded. ‘I see. What we have here is a lack of respect.’ Alec unbuckled his belt.

Steel stuck her chin out. ‘If you think you’re putting your dick anywhere near me, you’ve got another think coming!’

He pulled his belt from his trousers. Curled one hand around the buckle, and wrapped the leather around his fist a couple of times, leaving the end dangling. ‘I didn’t want to do this. You made me.’

‘You sodding dare !’

Logan held his hand up again. ‘Come on, we all need to calm down here. This isn’t going to solve anything. We...’

Alec lunged, swinging the belt overarm at Steel, teeth bared.

She dodged to the side, grabbed the belt and yanked him towards her. Then slammed her forehead into his face.

There was a wet crunch and he went sprawling across the bed. Steel was up on her knees, everything airing in the breeze — pale, swinging, and wobbling — as she hammered her fist down into Alec’s head. Once. Twice. Three times. He struggled up, and she mashed her fist into the bloody mess of his nose.

Thunk .

Alec wobbled. Rocked. Then his eyes crossed and he slid backwards off the bed. Thump onto the floor. Lying spread-eagled on the scarred floorboards. Not moving.

Steel let out a shuddery breath. ‘God, now I really need to pee.’

‘So search him again.’ Steel pulled the duvet up beneath her chin. Her free hand was swollen and curled, the skin darkening from red to purple. Probably broke something.

Logan heaved Alec over onto his back again. It was cumbersome and awkward, but nothing compared with the effort of hauling him up onto the bed in the first place. ‘It’s not here.’

‘Then where the hell is it?’

‘I don’t know, do I? Maybe he doesn’t keep the handcuff key on him? They’re not his handcuffs, they’re ours. Maybe he doesn’t even know what the handcuff key looks like?’

‘Oh this is just great. Thank you very much.’

‘How is this my fault? You’re the one who battered him.’

‘What was I supposed to do?’

Lying on the bed, Alec groaned. His face was a mess — swollen and bloodied, a couple of teeth missing. Most of his nose wasn’t where it was supposed to be any more.

‘He’s waking up.’

Steel sooked a breath through her teeth. ‘You hit him this time. My hand hurts.’

Logan rolled him into the middle of the bed, getting scarlet smears on the duvet cover, and stuck his free leg out. Reaching with his toes for the dropped chain. Holding his breath and stretching for it. The handcuff dug into his other ankle. ‘Got it.’

He wrapped his toes around the cold metal and pulled it, clinking back to the bed. Reached down and grabbed the end.

Steel looked over his chest at the floor. ‘What about the padlock?’

‘Give us a chance...’ His foot reached, and reached, and reached. Logan’s tongue poked out the side of his mouth.

But there was no way he could even come close.

‘You need to push the bed closer so I can reach.’

‘For goodness sake. Do I have to do everything?’

‘Yes. You have to do everything. I’m contributing absolutely nothing here.’

‘You’re such a whinge. Close—’

‘I know. Close my eyes.’ He shuddered. ‘Trust me, some sights I never want to see again.’

‘Oh: ha, ha.’ She slipped out and the bed groaned and creaked and gouged its way across the floorboards. ‘This... was... easier... when... there was... just... your fat... arse on... there.’ The bed came to a halt and Steel climbed beneath the duvet again. ‘Right, you can open your eyes.’

He grabbed the padlock with his toes and together they chained Alec’s hands behind his back. Then wrapped the rest of it around his ankles, before pulling it tight and padlocking the two ends together. Leaving him trussed up like a turkey.

Steel put her foot on his shoulder and shoved him over the edge of the bed.

Alec tumbled to the floor with a thump and a groan.

‘Serves you right.’ She wriggled down into the bed and scowled up at the ceiling.

‘What now?

‘Still need a pee.’

‘Wardrobe?’

A sigh. ‘Wardrobe.’

‘What do you mean there’s no clothes in there?’

Steel’s voice came out muffled from inside. ‘I mean, there’s hundreds of clothes. Millions of them. It’s like a branch of Markies in here. What do you think I mean?’

‘Wonderful.’

‘Hey, I’m not enjoying it much either...’ A pause. ‘Urgh. I’ve got pee on my feet!’

‘I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with “B”.’

Lying next to him, Steel sniffed. ‘Better no’ be “boobs”. You promised no’ to peek!’

‘It’s not “Boobs”. And one glimpse was enough to scar me for life, thanks.’

‘Blinds?’

‘No.’

‘Don’t stop!’ Steel gripped his hand, the cuffs digging into his wrist as the bed moaned and creaked beneath them. ‘Harder!’

Logan grunted and put his hips into it as the whole frame swayed and clanged.

‘Come on, come on, come on...’

‘Argh...’ He slumped back against the mattress, sweat prickling between his shoulder blades. ‘It’s no good.’

‘We can do this!’

‘No we can’t. The frame’s not going to fall apart. Doesn’t matter how much we shoogle it.’

‘Sodding hell.’

‘Because I’m thirsty, OK?’ Logan wriggled as far as to the left as the cuffs around his wrist and ankle would let him, right hand groping at the floorboards. ‘Little more...’

‘Sodding hell.’ Steel grunted and groaned, and the bed gouged its way across the floorboards again.

‘Come to Logan...’ The bottle of water Alec dropped was just out of reach.

More grunts and groans.

‘Got you!’

‘OK...’ Steel frowned at the ceiling. ‘Shoot Gordon Brown, shag Nick Clegg, marry David Cameron.’

Logan raised an eyebrow. ‘You’d marry a Tory?’

‘He’s worth millions, isn’t he? Soon as we’re married, there’s going to be an unfortunate accident and I’ll inherit the lot.’ A grin. ‘An unfortunate accident with a wood chipper. Hello Daveyboy, I’ve made you a lovely cup of tea. Come out into the garden and drink it next to this dirty big chunk of machinery. Whoops! Shove. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrind!’

‘Urgh.’ She curled her top lip. ‘Your hand’s all sweaty.’

‘So stop holding it, then.’

‘Can’t. Every time I let go you shoogle about and I get a chafed wrist. You’re like a ferret in a carrier bag. A sweaty ferret. That can’t hold still for two minutes.’

‘This is hell, isn’t it? I’ve died and I’ve gone to hell...’