Стюарт Макбрайд - 22 Dead Little Bodies and Other Stories

‘Oh for God’s sake. Stop it.’ Steel thumped her other hand against his chest. ‘Not getting anywhere.’

The pain tightened again. He had to force the words out between clenched teeth. ‘Well I don’t see you doing anything.’

She stared at the ceiling. ‘Fine.’ Then a deep breath. ‘Close your eyes. And keep them closed till I tell you. Because if you even think of peeking...’

‘Why would I want to peek? Bad enough imagining it, never mind seeing it for real!’

‘Close your sodding eyes!’

He did, and the duvet shifted as Steel slipped out of the bed. He grabbed hold of his half and held on tight before it slipped and everything was on show.

Her feet made a soft slapping sound as they hit the floor. ‘Stark, bare-arsed naked and handcuffed to a man. Never been so embarrassed in my life .’

Then there was some grunting. Some swearing. And finally the bedframe shifted, moaning in time to Steel’s heaves. Groan. Squeal. Groan. Squeal. Groan—

A clunk from the other side of the room and a man’s voice. ‘What...?’

Logan’s eyes snapped open.

Alec Hadden stood in the doorway, mouth hanging open, a newspaper tucked under one arm and a bottle of water in the other.

‘Aagh!’ Then Steel leapt back into bed, burrowing under the duvet as if her life depended on it. But not quick enough to protect Logan from an eyeful.

He shuddered. Oh God...

Her cold skin slapped against his leg, then she recoiled to the edge of the bed, taking as much of the duvet with her as possible.

Logan held on for grim death.

She let go of his hand.

‘What are you doing?’ Alec stepped into the room. Closed the door behind him.

Steel stuck her head above the covers. ‘WHERE THE HELL ARE MY CLOTHES?’

‘Ah.’ He settled down on the edge of the bed, shoulders drooped, head bowed. ‘They’re in the wash. You were sick, like, everywhere . I mean on the car seat, in the footwell, on yourself, on your friend here. Everywhere.’ A shrug. ‘So I bunged everything in the washing machine.’

‘YOU SAW ME NAKED!’

‘Only for a little bit.’ A sigh. Then he took out the newspaper and held it up. The headline ‘UNION BACK’ sat over a big Union Jack flag. A shocked Salmond in one corner, a smug looking Cameron in the other. Hadden gave another big, theatrical sigh. ‘Forty-five percent “Yes”, fifty-five percent “No”, and they’re calling it a decisive victory. How? How is that decisive? Yeah, it’s a decision , but that’s all it is.’

Steel jabbed a finger in his direction. ‘You just abducted two police officers, sunshine. You think that’s a good idea?’

‘Now they’re talking about backing out of all that Devo-Max stuff they promised. “It’s rash.”, “It was unwise.”, “England won’t let Scotland have anything if it doesn’t get what it wants first. “Can you believe that?”

‘Listen up, chuckles: you’re no’ getting away with this. They’ll already be out there looking for us. How long do you think it’s going to take them to kick in your door, eh?’

‘They lied to the Scottish people. They laid out this bowl full of promises: more power, more influence, more money, and now Westminster wants to take it all back.’

Logan shuffled as far up the bed as he could. Which wasn’t far with the handcuff fastening his right leg to the frame. ‘Politicians lie, Alec. It’s what they do. Not exactly a shocker, is it?’

‘We could have been free...’

‘I know it’s disappointing, but it’s the way it is. This is what democracy looks like. You just have to accept it, put it behind you, and move on.’

He turned and stared out of the window. ‘Why should we? Why shouldn’t we arm ourselves and take back our country? Referendum didn’t work. It’s time for revolution.’

Steel grabbed a pillow and battered it off Alec’s head. ‘Don’t be so sodding wet.’

‘Don’t—’

‘Unlock these handcuffs, now .’

‘You’ll arrest me.’

She looked at Logan. Then at Alec, eyebrows up. ‘Of course we’ll sodding arrest you! What did you think was going to happen? You abduct two police officers, you strip them, and you chain them to the bloody bed, did you think we’d bake you a cake?’

Logan held up his other hand. ‘OK, OK, let’s all calm down. No one’s starting a revolution, and no one’s arresting anyone.’ He pointed at the handcuffs around his ankle. ‘Alec, can you unlock that, please? It’s cutting off circulation to my foot.’

‘I don’t understand why everything went wrong.’ He dropped the paper on the bed. Ran a hand through his long brown hair. ‘I didn’t want any of this. I just wanted...’ His bottom lip trembled. ‘I didn’t mean to hit you. I just... I panicked. I didn’t...’

Steel rolled her eyes. ‘Oh in the name of the wee man. Don’t be such a big girl’s blouse.’ She shook her fist, making the handcuffs rattle against the brass bars of the headboard. ‘Unlock these things and we’ll talk about maybe getting you into a nice low-security prison.’

Alec licked his lips. Opened his mouth...

Whatever he was about to say, it was stopped by the sound of a doorbell somewhere on a lower floor.

Alec stood. ‘I have to go.’

‘Unlock these sodding handcuffs!’

But Alec didn’t. Instead he stood. Chucked the paper onto the duvet. ‘In case you get bored.’ Then he grabbed Logan’s side of the bed and dragged the thing back into the middle of the room. ‘Don’t move it again. You’re scratching the floorboards.’ He turned and marched out, closing the door behind him. The thump was followed by the click of a key turning in its lock.

Logan thumped back into his pillow. Then winced as the lumps on the back of his head got squished. ‘Oh very clever. That was a spectacular bit of hostage negotiation, that was.’

‘Kiss my—’

‘You don’t threaten the person you’re negotiating with! Yeah, let us free so we can arrest you.’

‘Of course we’re going to arrest him.’

‘You don’t have to tell him that!’

‘Close your eyes.’ She grabbed his hand again, then slipped out from beneath the duvet. There was grunting, creaking, and swearing again as the bed moved. But they weren’t going towards the wardrobe this time, they were going in the direction the bed was pointing.

‘What are you doing?’

‘I said no sodding looking!’

‘I’m not looking.’

More grunts. More creaks. More swearing. Then clunk .

The mattress springs twanged as Steel climbed back on the bed. ‘Keep them closed!’

‘Tell me what the hell’s going on.’

‘Looking out the window... Down there. Can just see past a bit of roof, there’s a car parked at the kerb.’

‘Thrilling.’

‘Shut up. Want to see who’s visiting.’

‘Open the window and shout for help.’

‘Hold on...’ Thump. Bang. A growling noise. Then, ‘Open you wee sod...’ More straining noises. ‘Gah. It’s locked. We... It’s Rennie! And DC Stone. You wee dancers!’ She banged on the window. ‘BUGGERLUGS, UP HERE! HOY! UP HERE! LOOK UP YOU PAIR OF MORONS!’

‘What are they doing?’

‘NO! DON’T GO BACK TO THE CAR! WE’RE UP HERE! HOY! RENNIE YOU SODDING IDIOT!’

Silence.

‘What?’

A long, rattling sigh, and then Steel collapsed back on the bed beside him. ‘They drove off.’

‘Oh, that’s just brilliant .’

‘We’re going to be stuck here for ever, aren’t we?’

Logan stared up at the ceiling as Steel climbed under the duvet again. ‘How could they just drive off?’