William Rabkin - The Call of the Mild

“Funny,” Gwendolyn said. “I wouldn’t have thought you had all that peaceful a night.”

“Really?” Jade was staring at the table even harder now. “What would make you say something like that?”

“I thought you were having a nightmare.”

“You weren’t there,” Jade said. “You were sleeping outside.”

“Under the stars, that’s true,” Gwendolyn said. “But I walked past our tent when I got up to use the bathroom in the night, and I could have sworn it was rocking.”

“Must have been the wind,” Jade mumbled as Savage strode up to the table, the grin on his face a double of Balowsky’s.

“Wind is the word for it,” Gwendolyn said. “And now that we’ve all answered the call of the wild, maybe we can start to talk about how we’re going to get the hell out of here.”

Shawn pushed his plate away and stood. “I’m glad you brought that up,” he said. “I’ve got a plan.”

“How nice for you,” Gwendolyn said, then turned back to the lawyers. “We need to formulate a strategy, and then-”

Shawn lifted his empty plate and dropped it on the table with a crash. “As I was saying,” he said, once all the lawyers had turned in his direction, “I have a plan. More important, I also have the map. So unless your strategy includes growing wings and flying off this mountain, you might want to pay attention.”

“Actually,” Gus said, “even if they did grow wings, the map would still come in handy.”

“My partner makes an excellent point,” Shawn said. “Although if you were going to grow wings, you might get a homing sense, too.”

“We’ll listen to your plan,” Balowsky said. “Just as long as we don’t have to listen to any more of this drivel.”

“I can live with that,” Shawn said, then turned towards the stove, where Helstrom was gathered with his waitstaff. “You need to hear this, too. You’re stuck here with the rest of us.”

Helstrom came over and stood at the head of the table. Cody, Coty, and Bismarck joined him. Miranda went over to where Balowsky was sitting and leaned against him. He slipped an arm around her thighs.

“As you may have noticed, we have been stranded on top of this mountain,” Shawn said. “It seems to me we have two choices. We can send an expedition to get the hatch open, or we can take our chances with the Others. But I’m still concerned about the polar bear and the cloud monster. Plus, what are we going to do when Claire’s baby is due? I don’t know nothing about birthing no babies.”

“What hatch?” Gwendolyn said.

“What Others?” Balowsky said.

“None of this makes any sense at all,” Jade said. “It’s like you’re taking concepts at random and jamming them together, hoping your audience will do the work of making sense of them.”

“You know, that’s exactly what I yell at the TV every week,” Shawn said.

Gus could see that the lawyers were getting restless. Jade was staring deeply into Savage’s eyes, while Balowsky was practicing his Rolfing techniques on the small of Miranda’s back. Gwendolyn was absently playing with the spreader she’d taken from the butter dish as if planning how she could sharpen it into a shiv.

Gus stood up next to Shawn. “Please, we need your attention for just a few minutes. Shawn-focus.”

Shawn fluttered his eyes, then reared back as if he’d been slapped. “Sorry, apparently the spirit of the mountain stepped out and left the spirit of the island in his place,” Shawn said. “And that spirit just says anything that will keep the story going on for another week, no matter how little sense it makes. The spirit of the mountain, on the other hand, is extremely specific about what needs to be done.”

“Like you sitting down and shutting up?” Gwendolyn said.

“You know, it’s funny,” Shawn said. “As I look around this table, everyone here seems to have made a new friend except you. Why do you think that is?”

Gwendolyn fingered the spreader as if calculating the exact speed and trajectory she’d need to propel it so that it would lodge in Shawn’s trachea.

“As I was saying,” Shawn said. “We are stuck up here and we need to formulate a plan.”

“Why don’t we just walk down the mountain?” Savage said. “That’s what we all signed up for.”

“Not all of us,” Helstrom said.

“I say we wait,” Balowsky said. “Rushton may be an evil old bastard, but I don’t believe he’s insane. If we don’t show up on time, he’ll send choppers up to look for us.”

“Quite possibly,” Shawn said. “And I know that I’m eager to risk my life on a gamble that the man who hired a troupe of actors-slash-waiters to play terrorist and kidnap us all isn’t insane.”

“And one actor-slash-chef,” Helstrom said. “We’re not all waiters here.”

“That’s a good point,” Shawn said. “And it’s good to have a chef with us as long as we’re stuck up here. It will be especially useful when our food runs out and we have to start eating each other. Bron will be able to cook us up in ways so that we all taste like chicken.”

“Chicken is one of my specialties,” Helstrom said.

“Good to know,” Gus said. “Say, Chef, how many days’ worth of food do we have up here?”

Helstrom did a quick count of the people sitting and standing around the table. “Let’s see, there are eleven of us,” he said. “We might be able to stretch it out through tomorrow night’s dinner, as long as we don’t eat a big lunch.”

Something was wrong in those calculations. Gus knew it, but he couldn’t put a finger on the problem. And Shawn was moving on.

“Plus we’ve got the freeze-dried food in our packs, which should be enough for each of us for six days,” Shawn said. “As long as we don’t mind watching Bron and his staff starve to death while we feast.”

“We can pool our resources,” Savage said. “We’re expected in four days. If we’re not in by then, they’ll have choppers up the next day.”

“Except that Rushton gave us all extra rations in case we wanted to take a little extra time to enjoy the scenery,” Gus said. “Does that really sound like your boss to you?”

It didn’t-not to anyone at the table.

“I knew he was up to something,” Balowsky said. “But even I never dreamed it would be this diabolical.”

Gwendolyn jammed the blade of the spreader into the table. “That bastard,” she said. “He knew it was going to take at least six days to get down the mountain.”

“Probably seven,” Shawn said. “Six with full food, and one last day on empty, just to put the fear into you all.”

“I can gather seeds and nuts,” Savage said.

“Apparently,” Gwendolyn said with a glance at Jade. “You’re already halfway there.”

“We’ve got to get word down,” Shawn said. “Then they can send up the rescue team.”

Savage nearly jumped out of his seat. “One of us needs to hike down to summon help,” he said. “I’ll volunteer.”

“And then you can have a good laugh on us with Rushton when you get there,” Gwendolyn said. “For all we know, you’re the one who had the safe word.”

“I’m thinking of a word now,” Savage said. “But it’s not a particularly safe one.”

“Two people have to go,” Gus said.

“How about Jade?” Savage said. She blushed furiously.

“Because we know she won’t do absolutely anything you ask her to do,” Gwendolyn said.

“There were some things…” Savage said.

Jade blushed even more deeply. “It was our first date.”

“The second can wait,” Balowsky said. “Sending the two of them would be worse than letting him go alone. At least he wouldn’t be stopping every five minutes for some quality time.”