George Higgins - The rat on fire

“I’m not bitchin’, Leo,” Jimmy said. “I am just trying to tell you that I have been on a sure thing before, that was not going to get me in no trouble. And the only thing that was sure about it was that I was going to get in some trouble because exactly what I said to Bobby was exactly what happened. The guy came home early because he didn’t feel good or something and he sees where we got this truck backed up his house and he knows he didn’t order no movers and sure, he thinks it’s his ex-wife who’s taking all his furniture and his rugs and TV’s and stuff, but he didn’t give her no permission either. And he calls the cops, he’s gonna have her ass in a sling before dark, and the cops come and they find out it isn’t her, it’s us. Which I guess kind of disappointed the guy because he really didn’t like her a whole lot, but he took what he had and had us put in jail instead of her, that was perfect strangers to him and he didn’t even know us at all.

“Now,” Jimmy said, “I figure if Bobby Coffey can make a mistake, Leo Proctor can make a mistake. And I am sick of doing time because Bobby Coffey made a mistake. I am also not interested in doing no further time because somebody else made a mistake and did not look at things without his eyes being all bloodshot.”

“Look,” Proctor said, “lemme tell you something, all right? It is eleven o’clock in the morning. I have got some work that I have got to do on account of how if I do not do the work, the man will come around and he will say to me, ‘Leo, I paid you some money to do some work, and I see where the work is not done. Now,” he will say, ‘since the work isn’t done, where is my money that I would like back and I will get somebody else to do the job of work that I paid you to do and you didn’t do it, huh? Because I am going to take that money and give it to somebody else and he will do the work you did not do.’

“Now,” Proctor said, “this is going to cause problems for me. This is because I do not have that money anymore, on account of I spent a lot of it and gave it to people who do work for me and they sell me things like meat and the phone and the lights for the family. That kind of thing. In addition to which I got to tell the man I gave a whole bunch of it to this guy Jimmy who took the money with no strain, didn’t bother him at all, and he probably spent his share of it, and I dunno, I can get back from him.”

“You didn’t give me no money, Leo,” Jimmy said. “Don’t gimme that shit. You promised me money but you didn’t give me no money. I don’t mind you thinking I’m stupid, but I resent you thinkin’ I’m fuckin’ dumb.”

“Jimmy,” Proctor said, “maybe the reason you get in so much trouble is you don’t listen to what a guy is saying. I didn’t say I gave you the money. I know what I did and what I didn’t do. I also know you. I’ve known you a long time. I know you got a tendency, you sometimes get kind of nervous and you transcend your word there, you know? You get jittery and a man cannot always depend on you that when you say you will do something, you will actually go out and do it.

“Now this,” Proctor said, “this is all right, Jimmy. It is something like some guys’re bald and some other guys like me have trouble keeping their weight down. It is just the way we are. And that is the way you are, that you do not always deliver when you say you are gonna deliver. And everybody knows this about you.”

“I do so,” Jimmy said.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, you do,” Leo said. “It is something about you that everybody who knows anything at all knows. Which is that Jimmy Dannaher is a nice guy and he means all right and he will always agree with you that he will help you to do something if he thinks that what you are going to do will get him some extra money so he can go down Wonderland every night and always and invariably pick the wrong dogs on the card and lose all the money that he went out and took some risks to get. But that is the way he is and there is nothing you can do about it and you may as well just forget about it. There is nothing wrong with the guy except that he does not always listen to you, and there are lots of times probably when he does not even listen to himself too careful, and he does not remember what he said he would do when he accepted the money there.

“That is why, Jimmy,” Proctor said, “I did not give you any money. I did not say just now that I gave you any money. I said I was gonna tell the man who asked me to get somebody and do this work for him, I said I was gonna tell him that I gave you some money. I did not say that I actually gave you the money, because like I say, I know you pretty good and you do not get any money out of me until you have actually done what you said you were gonna do.

And when that is done, you can go down Wonderland and gamble your fuckin’ brains out and it will be all right with me as long’s the work’s done. Because then I don’t care what you do.

“Now,” Proctor said, “of course what you want to think about is this. If I tell the man I gave you some his money and you did not perform like you were supposed to for that money, then he will of course believe me and he will come around looking for you. You will try to talk to him, naturally, but he is not gonna believe you. Because like I say, a lot of people know about you and there have been too many times when you took some money from somebody who wanted you to do something and then it slipped your mind or something and you didn’t do it.”

“You cocksucker, Leo,” Dannaher said.

“I am not a cocksucker,” Proctor said. “I have done a lot of dumb things but I never sucked a cock in my life. Now are you gonna come in that cellar with me, or am I gonna get somebody else to help me and also put your tail inna crack, just on general principles?”

“I just hope you’re right,” Dannaher said. “You better be right, Leo, is all I can say. I’m not goin’ back to the can for anybody.”

“You are goin’ in the cellar, though,” Leo said. “You are gonna come into that cellar with me and you are gonna help me and if you help me you will get your fifteen hundred bucks and if you don’t, you won’t. Clear?”

There were four stone steps leading down to the green wooden door made of matched boards. There was a large padlock on a heavy hasp on the door. Proctor took a key out of his pocket and opened the lock with difficulty. “Fuckin’ thing’s all rusted,” he said.

“Those’re supposed to be good locks, too,” Dannaher said. “They cost a lot of money. They shouldn’t do that.”

“Shit,” Proctor said, removing the lock, “nobody makes anything right anymore. Look at these steps, all right? Been here probably a hundred and fifty years. They’re all right. Oh, they’re a little worn, sure, but they’re here and you can still go down them without figuring you’re gonna break your neck when they fall apart under you. You try gettin’ somethin’ like that done today. Just try it.

“You tell somebody,” Proctor said, “you want a cellarway put in a building, or you’re doing a job for somebody wants a cellarway put in, and the first thing that’s gonna happen if you’re the guy hiring the job is they’re gonna come back at you with the specs and you’re gonna get wooden steps, open-framed, and one of those goddamned steel bulkheads they sell down to Grossman’s. And you gotta paint the fuckin’ thing every year with about three hundred bucks’ worth of Rustoleum because if you don’t it’ll rust out in a year.

“Or you’re the guy,” Proctor said, “that’s doing the job and you try to tell the guy, ‘Look, you’re better off, leave it open, put some stone steps down there and the weather isn’t gonna hurt them and they’ll last forever. And besides that nobody can jump on them and probably wreck them inna month like they can a bulkhead.’ And he’s gonna look at you and ask you how the hell you expect him to pay for quality work like that.