Rex Stout - The Rubber Band

Wolfe was standing at one side of the third room, frowning at a row of seedling hybrids in their second year. He looked plenty forbidding, and Horstmann, whom I had passed in the tropical room, had had the appearance of having been crushed to earth.

I sailed into the storm. I flipped the rubber band on my little bundle and said, “Here’s those lists from Richardt and also some from Hoehn, and some catalogues from England. Do you want them or shall I leave them in the potting room? And Clivers just called on the telephone. He says those papers came, and if you want to go and look at them, or send me, okay. He didn’t say anything about his little mix-up with the police last night, and of course I was too polite—”

I stopped because Wolfe wasn’t listening. His lips had suddenly pushed out a full half inch, and he had glued his eyes on the bundle in my hand. He stood that way a long while and I shut my mouth and stared at him.

Finally he murmured, “That’s it. Confound you, Archie, did you know it? Is that why you brought it here?”

I asked courteously, “Have you gone cuckoo?”

He ignored me. “But of course not. It’s your fate again.” He closed his eyes and sighed a deep sigh, and murmured, “Rubber Coleman. The Rubber Band. Of course.” He opened his eyes and flashed them at me. “Saul is downstairs? Send him up at once.”

“What about Clivers?”

He went imperious. “Wait in the office. Send Saul.”

Knowing there was no use pursuing any inquiries, I hopped back down to the kitchen door and beckoned Saul out into the hall. He stuck his nose up at me and I told him, “Wolfe wants you upstairs. For God’s sake watch your step, because he has just found the buried treasure and you know what to expect when he’s like that. If he requests anything grotesque, consult me.

I went back to my desk, but of course plant records were out. I lit a cigarette, and took my pistol out of the drawer and looked it over and put it back again, and kicked over my wastebasket and let it lay.

There were steps on the stairs, and Saul’s voice came from the door. “Let me out, Archie. I’ve got work to do,”

“Let yourself out. What are you afraid of?”

I stuck my hands in my pockets and stretched out my legs and sat on my shoulder blades and scowled. Ten minutes after Saul had left the phone rang. I uttered a couple of expletives as I reached for it, thinking it was one of the pack with another howl, but Saul Panzer’s voice was in my ear. “Archie? Connect me with Mr. Wolfe.”

I thought, now that was quick work, and plugged and buzzed. Wolfe’s voice sounded. “Nero Wolfe.”

“Yes, sir. This is Saul. I’m ready.”

“Good. Archie? You don’t need to take this.”

I hung up with a bang and a snort. My powers of dissimulation were being saved from strain again. But that kind of thing didn’t really get me sore, for I knew perfectly well why Wolfe didn’t always point out to me the hole he was getting ready to crawl through: he knew that half the time I’d be back at him with damn good proof that it couldn’t he done, which would only have been a nuisance, since he intended to do it anyway. No guy who knows he’s right because he’s too conceited to be wrong can be expected to go into conference about it.

Five minutes after that phone call from Saul the fun began. I got a ring from Wolfe upstairs. “Try for Lord Clivers.”

I got the Hotel Portland and got through to him, and Wolfe spoke. “Good morning, sir. I received your message … Yes, so I understand … No, he can’t go …If you will be so good—one moment—a very important development has taken place, and I don’t like to discuss details on the telephone. You may remember that on the phone yesterday afternoon Mr. Walsh spoke to you regarding a certain person whom he had just seen…. Yes, he is both dangerous and desperate; moreover, he is cornered, and there is only one course open to you that can possibly prevent the fullest and most distasteful publicity on the whole affair. … I know that, that’s why I want you to come to my office at once…. No, sir, take my word for it, it won’t do, I should have to expose him immediately and publicly…. Yes, sir…. Good. That’s a sensible man. Be sure to bring those papers along. I’ll expect you in fifteen minutes….”

Clivers rang off, but Wolfe stayed on.

“Archie. Try for Mr. Muir.”

I got the Seaboard Products Corporation, and Miss Barish, and then Muir, and buzzed Wolfe.

“Mr. Muir? Good morning, sir. This is Nero Wolfe…. One moment, sir, I beg you. I have learned, to my great discomfiture, that I did an act of injustice yesterday, and I wish to rectify it. … Yes, yes, quite so, I understand…. Yes, indeed. I prefer not to discuss it on the telephone, but I am sure you will find yourself as satisfied as you deserve to be if you will come to my office at half past eleven this morning, and bring Mr. Perry with you…. No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Miss Fox will be here…. Yes, she is here now…. No, half past eleven, not before, and it will be necessary to have Mr. Perry present…. Oh, surely not, he has shown a most active interest…. Yes, it’s only a short distance….”

I heard Muir’s click off, and said into my transmitter, “That will bring that old goat trotting up here without stopping either for Perry or his hat. Why didn’t you—”

“Thanks, Archie. Try for Mr. Cramer.”

I got headquarters, and Cramer’s extension and his clerk. Then the inspector. Wolfe got on. “Good morning, Mr. Cramer … Yes, indeed, I received your messages, but I have been occupied to good purpose. … So I understand, but could I help that? Can you be at my office at half past eleven? I shall be ready for you at that time…. The fact is, I do not intend merely to give you information, I hope to deliver a finished case. … I can’t help that either; do you think I have the Moerae running errands for me? … Certainly, if they wish to come, bring them, though I think it would be well if Mr. Hombert went back to diapers…. Yes, eleventhirty….”

Cramer was off. I said, “Shall I try for the Cabinet?”

“No, thanks.” Wolfe was purring. “When Lord Clivers arrives, bring him up here at once.”

I let Saul Panzer in when he came. There was no longer any reason why I shouldn’t relinquish the job of answering the door, which normally belonged to Fritz, but it seemed tactful to give him time to cool off a little; and besides, if I left him to his own devices in the kitchen a while longer without interruption, there was a chance that he would bounce a stewpan on Johnny’s bean, which would have done them both good.

So I let Saul in and parked him in the front room, and also, a little later, I opened up for the Marquis of Clivers. Whereupon I experienced a delightful surprise, for he had his nephew along. Apparently there was no wedding on today; Horrocks looked sturdy and wholesome in a sack suit that hung like a dream, and I got so interested looking at it that I almost (orgot it was him inside of it. I suggested him toward the office and said to Clivers, “Mr. Wolfe would like to see you upstairs. Three flights. Climb, or elevator?”

He was looking concentrated and sour. He said climb, and I took him up to the plant rooms and showed him Wolfe and left him there.

When I got back down Horrocks was still standing in the hall.

“If you want to wait,” I said, “there’s a place in the office to hold the back of your lap. You know, chair.”

“The back of my lap?” He stared, and by gum, he worked at it till he got it. “Oh, quite. Thanks awfully. But I … I say, you know, Miss Fox got quite a wetting. Didn’t she?”

“Yeah, she was good and damp.”