Cody McFadyen - Shadow Man

The storm passes. She wipes her eyes with the back of a hand.

"Because when I look back, I saw the changes in my son. I saw his father's smile, that smile he'd given me years back in that hotel room on our honeymoon night. I sensed that coldness in him." She is silent for a long time once again. Heaves a deep sigh. "When he was fifteen, it happened." Her eyes grow distant again.

"So many years of not being beaten or raped. Years where I had time to look inside myself, think without distraction. In some ways, it was like being trapped in a tower. But that isolation began to bring me back to myself. So I decided. Then I began to plan. I was determined that it was time for me and my son to be free. At some point, the sorrow inside me had begun to change to anger. I started to plan Keith's murder."

Her face grows blank. "I decided to keep it simple. I would invite him to my bed. Something he wouldn't expect. I'd let him do what he wanted with me. And then I'd use the knife under my pillow. I would kill him, and then my son and I would leave this place and go home to Texas. Have a real life." She looks at me, sad. "I suppose there are those who are good at killing, and those who aren't. Or maybe it's not that I was bad at killing. Maybe it's just that he was so very, very good at it. I didn't know that at the time, of course, but I'd learn soon."

She fingers a small gold chain around her neck.

"He was surprised, that much was true. I told him I missed him being in my bed. I saw the lust light up in his eyes like a fire. I was prepared for him to be rough with me; that's the only way he could enjoy it. He almost ripped my clothes off my body when he took me into my bedroom." She continues to finger the gold chain. "I let him go on for a good, long time. It was as terrible as it had ever been, but what was a last few hours of that if I had a chance to end it forever?" She nods. "I wanted him good and tired. By the time he was done, one of my eyes was black. I had a fat lip and a bloody nose. He rolled his sweaty body off mine, onto his back, and closed his eyes while he sighed in satisfaction." Her eyes grow wide as she relates what happened next. "Who would have known a human being could move that fast? Then again, perhaps he wasn't truly a human being. The moment his eyes closed, my hand went under the pillow and came out with the knife. It couldn't have been more than a second that passed before I had the point racing toward his throat." She shakes her head again, in disbelief.

"He caught my wrist an inch before that knife would have plunged into him. Caught it and stopped it dead. He was always so strong, stronger than anyone I'd ever known.

"He held my wrist there, and smiled that smile, and shook his head at me. 'Bad idea, Patricia,' he said to me. 'I'm afraid you're going to have to go.' " Her hands tremble a little. "I was so afraid. He took the knife away and then he beat me. He beat me good and long and hard. Knocked out some teeth. Broke my nose and my jaw. I could hardly keep conscious. I was going to pass out when he leaned forward and whispered in my ear, 'Get ready to die now, breeder.' And then everything went black."

She grows silent. I am mesmerized by the motion of that gold chain as she twists it back and forth.

"I woke up in the hospital. I hurt so much. But I didn't care, because I knew one thing: If I was still alive, that meant he was dead. I looked over and Peter was sitting next to my bed. When he saw I was awake, he reached over and took my hand. We just sat there for an hour, not saying anything.

"The sheriff told me what had happened a few hours later." Tears come to her eyes. "It was Peter. He had heard my screams. He burst into the room just as Keith was about to cut my throat. He killed him. He killed his father to save me."

She hugs herself, looks lost. "Do you have any idea of the kinds of emotions that go through you at something like that? After all those years and what I'd been through? The relief was almost unbearable. And then to find out that my son was my son, that in the end he chose me over his father." Tears continue to run down her cheeks. "I was certain I had lost him forever. Excuse me for a moment."

She stands up and totters over to a shelf where a box of tissues sit. She brings the box over, extracting one to wipe her eyes with as she sits back down.

"I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be," I say to her. I mean it. What this woman went through, it's unimaginable. Some would look at her with contempt for putting up with that abuse over so many years. For not being strong. I like to think I'm wiser than they are. Patricia dabs her eyes with the tissue and pulls herself together.

"I healed up, and we came home. It was a good time. Peter doted on me. Dinner was no longer an hour of silence, where no one spoke. We were . . ." Her voice trails off. "We were a family." Her face falls, the grimness and bitterness seeping back in like a black mask. "It didn't last long."

Her hand goes back to the gold chain again. Twisting, turning. "He still went down into the basement every night. He'd spend hours down there. I'd never been allowed inside, didn't know what he did in there. But I was scared. It was something he had done with his father, and part of me knew nothing good could result from it.

"Months went by with me worrying about that basement. But I didn't do anything about it. I was--what is that term for ignoring a truth you don't want to be true?"

"I think you mean denial," James says.

"That's it. I was in denial. Can you blame me? Keith, my longtime living nightmare, was dead. I had my son back. Life was good." She rubs her forehead with a hand. "But I suppose that something inside me had toughened up somewhere along the way. Too much time went by, too many nights where I couldn't get that basement out of my head. One day when he was at school, I decided it was time to go down and look.

"Keith had always kept his key to the basement door hidden under a lamp in his bedroom. He thought I didn't know, but I did. So that day I went and got it, and I went to the basement door and unlocked it.

"I stood for a long time at the top of the stairs, looking down into the darkness. Wrestling with myself. Then I turned on the light and I went down those stairs."

She stops speaking for so long that I am afraid she has lost sense of the here and now, that she is trapped in that past moment. I almost reach out to touch her arm when she begins speaking again.

"I waited for him to come home from school. When he came in the door, I told him that I'd gone into the basement. What I'd found. I told him that he'd saved my life and set me free, and that he was my son. So I wouldn't tell. But I told him I could no longer let him live under my roof.

"I wasn't sure if he would believe me, at first. About not telling what I'd found, I mean." Her smile is bemused. "I suppose there was something, some part of him, that loved me. I don't know if it was because I was his mother, or if it was because he felt that he needed something he could hold on to, something that would remind him he was still a human being. Whichever it was, he barely said a word. He packed up his things, grabbed a few items from the basement, kissed me on the cheek, and told me he loved me and understood--and walked out the door. I haven't seen him since. It's been almost thirty years."

Tears are running down her cheeks again. She looks up at Don Rawlings. "When I read about that poor girl and saw that Peter was a suspect, I knew he had to have done it. It fit, you see. With what I found in the basement." She wrings her hands. "I know I should have said something. Should have come forward. But I . . . he'd saved my life. He was my son. I know none of those things makes it right. It seemed right at the time, somehow. Now . . ." She sighs a sigh that seems to contain decades of exhaustion. "Now I'm old. And I'm tired. Tired of all the pain and secrets and nightmares."