Cody McFadyen - Shadow Man

He's not saying that my being conflicted is wrong. He is saying, Tell me why .

I run a hand across my forehead. "I think 'why not' is probably a better question, Doc. I'm scared. I miss Alexa. I worry about fucking it up. Take your pick."

He leans forward, intent. He's got ahold of something, and he won't let it go. "Distill it down, Smoky. I understand there are many factors. Lots of reason for emotion. But break it down to something you can work with."

And just like that, it comes to me. "It's because she both is Alexa and isn't Alexa," I say.

And that is it, that simplicity. Bonnie is a second chance at Alexa, at having a daughter. But then, she isn't Alexa, because Alexa is dead. Not all truths are good, on the surface. Some truths bring pain. Some are just the starting point for an uphill climb, for a lot of tortured work. This truth makes me feel empty. A bell being rung in a windless field.

If I can work through this truth, I know things will change. But the work is huge and ugly and it's going to hurt me.

"Yeah," I manage to say. My voice sounds ragged. I sit up, push away the pain. "Okay. I don't have time for this right now." It comes out sounding harsh. Too bad. I need my anger these days. The hard parts of me.

Dr. Hillstead isn't offended. "I understand. Just make sure that you make time for it at some point."

I nod.

He smiles. "So, back to my original question: What are you going to do now?"

"Now," I say, and just like that, my voice has turned cold, my heart along with it, "I'm going back to work. And I'm going to find the man who killed Annie."

Dr. Hillstead looks at me for a long, long time. It's a gaze like a laser. He's gauging me, deciding if he agrees with my decision. What he decides is evident when he reaches over to his desk drawer and pulls out my Glock. It's still encased in the plastic evidence bag. "I thought you might be telling me something like that, so I had this ready for you." He cocks his head. "That's why you really came to see me, isn't it?"

"No," I say, smiling, "but it was a part of it." I grab the gun and put it into my purse. I stand up and shake Dr. Hillstead's hand. "I also wanted you to see me looking better."

He holds my hand a little longer than is needed. I feel the gentle spirit of this man; it comes out through his eyes. "I'll be here if you need to talk again. Anytime."

And, surprise--tears. I thought I was done with them. Maybe it's a good thing. I don't ever want to be unaffected by kindness, whether from strangers or from friends.

T HIS IS THEbuilding where I work, honey."

Bonnie has my hand, and she looks up at me, inquisitive.

"Yes, I'm going back to work. I have to tell my boss first."

She gives my hand a squeeze. She seems to approve. We ride first up to the NCAVC Coord offices. When we enter, only Callie and James are there.

"Hi." Callie's voice is tentative. James looks on without speaking.

"Callie, I need to go up and see AD Jones. Can you watch Bonnie for me? I won't be gone long."

Callie studies me for a moment. She looks down at Bonnie, smiling.

"How about it, honey-love? You okay to stay with me?"

Bonnie studies her, and Callie bears this with tender patience. Bonnie nods, letting go of my hand and going over to take Callie's.

"I'll be back in a little bit." I leave, knowing that I have left James and Callie wondering. That's okay. They'll know soon enough. I make my way up to AD Jones's office, which is on the top floor. Shirley, his receptionist, greets me with a professional smile. "Hi, Smoky."

"Hey, Shirley. Is he in?"

"Let me check." She picks up the phone and presses the intercom button. She knows he's in. What she meant was she would find out if he wanted to see me. I don't take it personally. I think Shirley would keep the President of the United States cooling his heels. "Sir? Agent Barrett is here. Uh-huh. Yes." She hangs up. "Go right in."

She snags my sleeve as I move toward the door. There's a slight smile on her face, and it's playful now. "Welcome back. Oh, don't look so surprised. Anyone with half a brain can tell that that's what's going on. You look good, Smoky. Real good."

"You should come work for me, Shirley, a sharp mind like that."

She laughs. "Oh, no thank you. Too tame for me. This job is a lot more dangerous."

I grin back, and open the door. I close it behind me. AD Jones is sitting at his desk, and he's giving me a keen-eyed once-over. He seems to see something he approves of, and nods to himself.

"Take a seat." Once I am sitting, he leans back. "I got a call from Dr. Hillstead about ten minutes ago. He gave you a pass to return to full, active duty. That what you're here to see me about?"

"Yes. I'm ready to come back to work. But I have a proviso: I want to run Annie's case."

He's shaking his head. "I don't know, Smoky. I don't think that's a good idea."

I give him a shrug. "Then I quit. I'll go private and keep looking for them that way."

AD Jones looks like he is trying to keep his jaw from falling open. He also looks pissed. Volcano, H-bomb pissed. "You're giving me an ultimatum?"

"Yes, sir."

He continues to glare at me, shock and anger battling for dominance. Both disappear in a sudden flash. He shakes his head. A hint of a smile tugs at one corner of his mouth. "Pretty good hardball there, Agent Barrett. And okay. You're back, it's your case. Keep me in the loop."

That's it. He's dismissing me, telling me to get back to work. I stand up to leave.

"Smoky."

I turn to him.

"Get these motherfuckers."

Back at Death Central, Callie and James are waiting. They know something is up. I realize that this is a critical moment for them, for all of my team. A place where life might change forever. I should have told them when I came in, but I wasn't sure, not a hundred percent, that AD Jones was going to let me run Annie's case. I'd been serious about quitting if he hadn't.

"I'm going to drop Bonnie off with Elaina, Callie." She raises her eyebrows. James looks at me, questioning. "I've kept my word. I'm back."

He nods once, no other questions asked. Callie's face is filled with relief and happiness. I'm glad to see it, but I'm also a little bit sad. I wonder if she thinks things are going to go back to the way they were. I hope not. Things will be good again, yes. Working with my team will be rewarding, as always. But we are older now. Harder. Like the undefeated team who loses their first game, we have learned that we are not invulnerable, that we can be hurt. Even die.

I am changed too. Will they notice that? If they do, will it make them happy, or sad? What I said to Dr. Hillstead is true. I'm done being a victim, but that does not mean that I'm the same Smoky Barrett I used to be.

It was an epiphany that came to me at the shooting range. Like a voice from the God I don't believe in. I realized that I will never love again. Matt was the love of my life, and he is gone. No one will ever replace him. This is not fatalism or depression. It is a certainty, and it brought me a kind of peace. I will love Bonnie. I will love my team. Other than that, I will have only one love now, and it will define the rest of my life: the hunt.

I held the Glock in my hands, and I realized it right there, right at that very moment. I am not a victim, not anymore. Instead, I have become the gun. For better or worse, till death do us part.

I LOOK ATBonnie before we get out of the car. "You doing okay, honey?"

She gazes back at me with those too-old eyes. Nods.

"Good." I ruffle her hair. "Elaina is a very, very good friend of mine. She's Alan's wife. You remember Alan? You met him on the plane."