Джойс Оутс - Prison Noir

“I don’t need to hear this shit!” This punk needed correcting. “I’m getting ready to say something I’m going to regret.” Hitting him in the throat would’ve fixed things real quick. My hands were balled tight; I’d done the math for launching on him.

“Oh, I think you need it.” David swayed back slightly as my body leaned in a little. “And all those thoughts about a sucker punch.” His right eye fluttered. “Seeing how Sherry just dumped me, I’m feeling like I don’t give a shit about consequences either.” He took in a deep breath through his nose. “You may find your back dirty. You think you know me?”

The punk-fuck had called me out. I needed to do something, or start eating humble pie. I couldn’t blow it. . not yet. “And you’re supposed to be a Christian!” I said.

David’s mouth opened at that, grinning as if I’d just told a good joke. “You didn’t go there!” He covered his mouth with his fist, trying not to laugh. “This is what you say to get what you want?” In a moment his eyes became slits. “And you, Jason, aren’t you this solid Alcoholics Anonymous member?” He shook his head as his fingers made the quotes sign. “Sober ten years now? Isn’t that what you’ve been saying at the meetings?”

“I’m a fucking convict,” I said. “Don’t think you can say whatever you want.”

“Tell me, Jason,” he responded, his hands on his hips, “where do you put ‘convict’ on a resume? You really think that means shit outside of these walls?”

“David, what is your problem?” Fuck it, I’ll bust this fool in the mouth. He glanced down at my hands, and I got satisfaction that his eyes went wide a moment.

He stopped, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. David grinned as his eyes opened slowly, then he reached out his hand, palm up. “Jason, you still want me to help you?”

“Yeah,” I said, exhaling deeply. My body relaxed a little. Maybe he’d do me right after all.

“Then I want you to say to me, David, I don’t give a rat’s ass about you, just help me!”

“I’m not saying that.”

“Oh yeah, you’re going to,” he shot back, his voice rough. “All this running your mouth, acting like you’re something you’re not.” His anger was coming up again. He raised his hands, his fingers beckoning. “Come on and say it.”

“What’s with this ignorant bullshit? Are you going to help me or not?”

“Sure,” he said, “when you tell me, I don’t give a rat’s ass about you, just help me.”

A gust of wind suddenly hit us, and David went into this weird look. There was something like insanity in his stare. We stood in silence for a moment. I thought he might be about to jump my ass. But as the wind backed off, the craziness seemed to leave.

My feet were glued to the spot, wondering what David’s twisted mind was thinking. After ten seconds, I shook my head and said, “This isn’t right.”

“What ain’t right, Jason, is you strutting around here claiming to be a model prisoner to one side and a gangster to the other. You sign up for programs that other guys are dead serious about, and you laugh about ’em and talk bad about the guys in them.”

“Fuck you, David!”

“Perfect!” he said, smiling big, his eyes bright. “Now say it.”

He wasn’t making me his parrot, but my mouth began to twist. He raised his hand up next to his mouth, coaching me. “I. .” My voice got tight. “. . don’t give a rat’s ass.” After that my mouth slammed shut. I wasn’t going to play his fucked-up mind game.

He dropped his hand a moment and then brought it back up next to his mouth. He opened his pinched fingers a little as he said, “ Just. . ”

“Just do the fucking thing!” I blurted out. “Do it, punk motherfucker! I don’t give a shit about you!” Trembling, I thought my knees were going to give.

David stuck out his fist, offering me a knuckle bump. “Congratulations, Jason,” he said. “A baby step to an honest man!” This dude was really messed up in the head.

I ignored the fist. “Don’t talk to me like I’m some fucking kid.” I did my best to hide my shaking legs.

“And don’t come at me, Jason, like I’m a scared punk you can walk over to get what you want.”

A whimper came from deep within me. “Come on, David, will you help me?”

He looked up toward the top of the hospital, staring as if he saw something of interest. In a moment he said, “Don’t ever ask me this again.”

“No!” My hand rose up like I was swearing in court. “First and last time!”

In spite of my promise, he peered at me with arms crossed, showing doubt. “If you tell your ‘puppies’ I helped you,” his thumb went in their direction, “I’ll deny it. That’ll make them wonder who you snitched on to beat it.” David watched me for a moment longer. “I’m putting my ass on the line for you. I could go to the hole behind this.”

My fingers were running across my lips before he finished speaking. There wouldn’t be a thing said to anyone, except Rick.

A thought hit me. “ I’ll pay you. ” That was easy enough. “Give me a list. . fifty bucks?” It didn’t look as if David was buying it. “How about a hundred?” He still wasn’t smiling. “I could get you two hundred in a couple of months.” Still nothing.

He crossed his arms again, his chin resting on his thick chest. His workouts showed in his muscled arms and shoulders. In a soft voice, he said, “You just don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what? Tell me what you want, and I’ll take care of it!”

David shook his head. Glancing down, he kicked at a rock. “I didn’t do it for you.”

“Didn’t what? Didn’t do what for me?”

The yard seemed suddenly quiet. “I’m doing it,” he finally said, “because I couldn’t stand seeing your daughter and grandson spend another ten years visiting your sorry ass.” David was a statue; his eyes fixed on me.

“I. .” I sputtered while looking up at the sky. Sheila and Jimmy’s faces came. “You’re right,” I said, my voice hoarse.

David stepped up close. “Knock off the crap, Jason!” He grabbed me by the shoulder. “I’ll see you at the Saturday AA?”

I nodded. “Yeah, sure.” I still couldn’t look at him. “I’ll be there.”

“Why don’t you ask your daughter about the Bible she reads while waiting for you?” He squeezed my shoulder tight a moment, then smiled and said, “By the way. .”

“Yeah, what?”

“It’s already taken care of.” He winked. “It’s a done deal.” David turned and headed for the stairs back to North block.

My teeth squeaked as I raised my hand to eye level and turned it palm up. I closed one eye while sticking my middle finger up. I used it as a target site, aiming for the middle of David’s back. In a whisper I said, “Blam! Blam! Motherfuck! Blam! Blam!”

Women’s Huron Valley Correctional Facility (Ypsilanti, Michigan)

Sometimes the most significant moments in our lives happen when we make no choice at all. This was one of those moments. Her feet must have been only two feet from the ground as her body dangled like a rag doll from the door hinge. There was chaos: screams, officers running, hands shaking, fellow inmates praying, everyone watching with morbid curiosity as her limp body crashed on the cement floor, cracking her skull. Not that it mattered; she was already dead.

Damn! I was jealous. If only I didn’t have amazing sons, parents who love me unconditionally, and friends who have stood by me. They are my curse that binds me to this prison. They are the people I continue to try to please, the ones whom I emulate and love. They are my ties to earth and this current hell. If only they knew how long twenty-four hours is in here. How years slip by, but a day can feel like eternity. Time is not real, but it is the only real thing I know, the only real thing I have that is mine.