Evan Hunter - Every Little Crook and Nanny

“Thank you,” Vinny repeated.

“Remarkable,” Benny said. “And what’s even more remarkable is that you get away with it.”

“How do you mean?” Alfred asked.

“That the people watching you don’t realize you’re in some way related to each other.”

“How do you mean?” Vinny asked.

“In that you look so much alike.”

“Oh,” Alfred said.

“Being twins, I mean.”

“Oh,” Vinny said.

“Identical twins,” Benny said.

“Well,” Alfred said, “we don’t think of ourselves as twins, you see.”

“You don’t?”

“No,” Vinny said. “We were born fourteen hours apart.”

“That’s hardly twins,” Alfred said.

“That’s a medical phenomenon,” Vinny said, “but it’s not twins.”

“I thought it was twins,” Benny said.

“Millie the Midwife didn’t think so,” Vinny said. “In fact, she thought her work was done. My mother thought so too. Millie went to a movie after she delivered me. That was at seven o’clock at night. She went to see Where the Sidewalk Ends, with Dana Andrews and Gene Tierney.”

“That was a very good picture,” Benny said.

“Yes, I myself saw it on television only last week,” Vinny said.

“Jeanette Kay watched it too.”

“How is Jeanette Kay?” Vinny asked.

“She’s fine, thank you.”

“Anyway, the next morning my mother called Millie and said she was feeling very strange. ‘Very strange how ?’ Millie wanted to know. My mother said she felt as if there was still somebody inside her kicking around. Millie rushed right over and they did the malocchio. Do you know what the malocchio is?”

“Yes, it’s the Evil Eye,” Benny said.

“Correct,” Vinny said. “What Millie the Midwife done was put a few drops of oil in a dish of water. If the oil separated into drops close together, like eyes, that meant somebody had put the malocchio on my mother. Which could have accounted for why she was still feeling somebody kicking around inside there when I was already born.”

“But it wasn’t the malocchio ,” Alfred said.

“Correct. The oil just lay there in the dish like a big gold coin. No eyes, nothing. So Millie said to my mother, ‘Well, let’s take another look, Fanny.’ So they took another look, and it was Alfred.”

“Me,” Alfred said.

“A medical phenomenon,” Vinny said.

“But not twins,” Alfred said.

“How can you be sure you’re not twins, though?” Benny asked.

“If we were twins, would they call us the Corsican Brothers ? They’d call us the Corsican Twins, correct?”

“But the Corsican Brothers were twins.”

“Correct,” Vinny said. “But we’re not. In fact, we’re not even from Corsica. None of our family’s from Corsica, neither. The whole thing’s an entire mystery.”

“The way I figure it,” Alfred said, “my mother conceived twice.”

“Probably with my father both times,” Vinny said.

“But fourteen hours apart,” Alfred said.

“That would explain it, all right,” Benny said.

“That’s very definitely what probably happened,” Alfred said.

“So you see there’s nothing remarkable about our act in that respect. People accept us for what we are. After all, superficial similarities don’t mean nothing when there’s two distinct and definite personalities involved. We’re very different people, Ben.”

“I’m sure you are.”

“Though very much alike in many respects as well.”

“But different,” Alfred said.

“Different but the same,” Vinny said.

“Of course the same, but different,” Alfred said.

“For example,” Vinny said, “whereas I’ve been doing a lot of talking here, I’m very shy when it comes to performing. It’s Alfred who gives the spiel, you may have noticed.”

“Yes, I did notice that,” Benny said.

“Whereas, on the other hand,” Vinny said, “I can’t even draw a straight line, whereas Alfred is very talented artistically.”

“Which is exactly why I came to see you.”

“Why’s that?” Alfred asked.

“I need fifty thousand dollars in phony bills.”

“I have given up that career,” Alfred said.

“You have?” Benny asked. “Why?”

“Well, I’ll tell you,” Alfred said. “The first batch I done was ten-dollar bills. But the fellows who went out to pass them got caught right off the bat and are now serving ten years each and respectively at Sing Sing.”

“That’s a shame,” Benny said. “What happened?”

“I made a mistake,” Alfred said. “I was working on two batches at the same time, a five-dollar batch and a ten-dollar batch. I accidentally put Lincoln’s picture on the ten-dollar bills.”

“We all make mistakes,” Benny said.

“That’s what the fellows said when I went up to visit them.”

“But I’m sorry to hear this. I was hoping you could help me.”

“I don’t even have my equipment no more,” Alfred said. “I sold the press and everything a long time ago.”

“To who?”

“To Cockeye Di Strabismo.”

“Why don’t you try him ?” Vinny suggested. “I’ll bet he can help you.”

“Yes, maybe,” Benny said. “In the meantime, if you hear of any loose money that’s around for sale cheap, will you get in touch with me?”

“May I ask why you need this kind of cash?” Vinny said. “Or is that too personal?”

“There has been a child snatched,” Benny said.

“Which child?”

“Ganooch’s son.”

“Who would do a crazy thing like that?” Alfred asked.

“Listen to me,” the voice on the telephone said.

“Yes?” Nanny said.

“Do you know who this is?”

“No, who is this?”

“This is the kidnaper. Who is this?”

“This is Nanny. The child’s governess.”

“Madam, let me talk to Mr. Ganucci at once.”

“Mr. Ganucci isn’t in right now.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s out of town,” Nanny said.

“Oh, the old out-of-town trick, eh?” the voice said. “ Where out of town?”

“In Italy.”

“ Dove in Italia? ” the voice asked. “I speak seven languages fluently, don’t try any more tricks.”

“He’s on the Isle of Capri.”

“Nonsense! Put him on right this minute or we’ll dispose of the child!”

“No, please,” Nanny said, “I swear he’s...”

“I’ve got a vicious Doberman pinscher poised to spring at that boy’s throat if I give the signal. All I have to do is yell, ‘ Töte ihn! ’ Now stop playing games and put Mr. Ganucci on the phone.”

“I told you, he’s in Italy.”

“Madam...”

“Please, we’re trying to get the money now. All we need is a little time.”

“Who’s we ?” the voice asked. “Have you told the police about this?”

“No,” Nanny said in alarm. “Have you ?”

“Have I what? Told the police? Are you crazy, madam?”

“Forgive me, I...”

“Listen and listen hard,” the voice said. “I’m giving you until tomorrow afternoon at five o’clock to raise the money. I’ll contact you at that time and tell you where and when and how I want delivery made. Would you like some advice, madam?”

“Please,” Nanny said.

“I suggest you cable Mr. Ganucci on the Isle of Capri and tell him to come home fast!”

“Who is it?” a voice said.