Кен Бруен - The Hackman Blues

I. Get laid a lot

2. Get brown

3. Get bearded

4. Get resolved

5. Lose the cold

The fourth I needed to doin order to allow me to go back to London and do the business. After fumbling round for an hour, I hailed a cab and asked, ‘Where’s the best gay club?’

I figured, How offended could he be? These guys kicked the whole shindig into play.

He wasn’t offended at all.

Took me to the posh area and pulled up outside. The Alexander Club, whatever else, looked busy. Inside it was sleazy but I wasn’t complaining. Sleaze I could handle. Picked up an Aussie back-packer and gave him a fast one in the toilet. Said, as I came, ‘Now that’s down-under dinkum,’ and cursed my running nose.

Next day I booked into a cheap hotel and discovered that mosquitoes are a common nuisance. Over the next few days I saw:

The Acropolis

The Agora

The Thesen

Hadrian’s Arch

Temple of Zeus

National Museum

Changing of the Guard

...and it bored me shitless. If this was culture, give me Brixton on a bad-ass Saturday night.

I took a boat to Mikonos and loved that. Over twelve hours and the combination of sea and sun just lulled me into nearlithium peace. My beard had started and already my skin was burning. I bought a pair of steel rimmed plain sunglasses and resembled a nazi on vacation. I was doing okay. I liked the brand name — Police.

Getting off the boat at Mikonos, I heard ‘Tank’ by T-Rex. I wish it weren’t true, I mean how auspicious a landing can it be? I wish too I didn’t remember the song so clearly and worse, remember the poster.

Yeah.

Marc Bolan in all his glitter with a toy tank between his legs. I kid you not. Marc himself looked like a badly fucked leprechaun. As I walked off the gangplank, I saw Bald Inc at a cafe. It has to be said, those domes were tanning, and uniformly.

One of them turned and waved!

The paranoia get up on its hind legs and brayed, ‘They’re following you.’

My nose began to run.

I’d had this unshakeable flu for for six days now... More? A London-bought course of antibiotics had no effect. In fact, it was getting worse.

Lugging my hold-all, humming T-Rex — not an easy accomplishment — I walked right up to the baldies, asked:

‘You following me?’

They were dressed in the Palace singlets and shorts, with thongs on their feet. A cool carafe of orange juice lay before them. One said:

‘You what?’

‘You heard.’

Jeez mate, look at the facts... We were here before you. Be an odd way to follow a bloke.’

The other said:

‘You’ve get a nasty cold there, son. Take a pew, have some OJ... London, ain’t cha?’

Their own vowels were steeped in the accent you only find south of the river — and what a comfort.

I sat.

Ever since I’d left London, I’d felt tired. Delayed shock, I figured. Close up, the two weren’t alike at all. One held out his hand, said, ‘I’m Bob, this here’s me mate, Rodney.’

I said, ‘I’m Tony, I thought you were brothers.’

Big laugh from the boys.

‘Naw, never happened, it’s what people always fink...’

He looked round, added, Though in this bleeding place, they fink we’re a couple of poofters.’

We all had a chuckle at this. The very idea...

Bob asked, ‘You get stuck with this place too, eh...? Last minute booking at Cosmos... right?’

What could I say?

I said, ‘Right.’

Then for deflection asked, ‘What’s with the Kojaks?’

‘It’s the fashion mate.’

‘Yeah, if yer in yer twenties.’

‘Didn’t you see Daniel Benzali in Murder One?’

‘What, the bookshop?’

‘Series mate, twenty-six episodes, Bloody cracker it was, we got it on vid.’

‘Oh.’

I stood up, said: ‘Well, see you guys later, I’d better go check in.’

‘You do that mate, ’n’ if anyone drops some coins, don’t bend over... know what I mean...? Nudge, nudge.’

Yeah, I knew what he meant.

I stayed at... wait for it... The Mikonos.

You got to wonder how they thought of that one. Next few days I did nowt but sun-bathe and sleep. I was in gay paradise and my libido had dropped to ground zero.

Now my throat hurt and I’d developed chest pains, said, ‘Age is a bastard.’

Shaved my skull... why not? I might not be well, but at least I could be current. The flu persisted. People praise Greece for its history, islands, yogurt... Me, I rate its chemists. You go in, a geezer speaks English and you ask for anything and it’s yours. You go in Boots and ask for aspirin, they grill you like Special Branch and you’re lucky to get two pills. On Mikonos I got antibiotics and thought, Second dose, we’ll shift this sucker fast.

Into the next week and I was brown... and bald... and gorgeous. Well... okay I was tanned and it makes you appear healthy. My weight was dropping too and I felt that had to be good. If only I wasn’t so knackered all the time.

I’d lie on the beach all day, swear I’d hit the nightlife later... and be in bed, alone, at seven and worse... glad of it.

Had I leapt into old age? Just skipped out on late middle-age and fallen fucked into decrepitude? That’s how it felt.

The English papers were readily available but I ignored them, just like I avoided English people. Even sight-seeing was off on Mikonos. There are some sights to savour, the gay universe at its preening exhibitionist, narcissistic best... or at its worst.

What would get you arrested in Britain seemed mandatory here. Lots of E, but I was a hot-house of pharmaceuticals already. One day, lying on the beach, a shadow fell across me. I opened my toasted lids to see Bob above me.

I said, ‘Bob.’

‘Jeez mate, yer burning up there. I brought you a cold one.’

I sat up and took it... gulped it down.

He nodded, said, ‘Hits the spot, eh?’

‘Yeah, that it does.’

He’d a good colour too. Dressed only in bermudas, he’d a beer-gut and a body that had taken some action for fifty years at least. He said, Ter a puzzle you are mate... you come to where it’s all happening and live like a monk. Unless you have some floozy stashed in yer room. That it?’

‘Naw, no floozy.’

‘Well, you’re not queer. Me ’n’ Rodney, we can spot a nancy right off... So, were you misinformed? Maybe you heard Mikonos was the place for quietness?’

I smiled, said, ‘What do you care Bob, eh? What’s it to you? Thanks for the drink but it bought you civility not information.’

He spread his hands in a calming fashion, ‘Whoa... back off, Tony. Me ’n’ Rodney wanted to ask you to dinner... All right? A bit of a nosh-up with London boys only... okay?’

It was the last thing I wanted.

I said, ‘Love to. What time?’

‘Round nine — see you at the caff where we met, all right...?’

Cats.

There are more of them than there are Germans in Greece. I was at a taverna with the boys and a plague of cats milled beneath the table.

Bob said, ‘I’ll order for us all... okay?’

‘Sure.’

Even the waiter was gorgeous. It’s an island where the mediocre is glaringly exposed. If you’re ugly, go to Corfu, they expect it. Bob ordered:

Fava

Revitloiceftedes

Spanako rizzo

Tzazitei

Sheftalia

Melitz zanos

I figured he was:

a. Chancing his arm

b. Naming Greek footballers

c. Raving.

I asked shrewdly, ‘Do you speak Greek?’

‘Listened to cassettes for the past six months. I’m not always sure what I’m saying but it seems like it’s what I would want. You’ve got to let a bit of flexibility float, plus it’s kinda exciting.’