Charlie Huston - Caught Stealing

I walk into Paul’s. Lisa, the day bartender, takes one look at my face and lets out a little scream.

– Jesus fucking Christ, Hank, you look like yesterday’s shit on last week’s paper.

When I first came in here looking for a job ten years ago, Lisa was behind the bar. She was about thirty or so back then, six feet tall and built.Just big everywhere. She nailed me about a week or two after I started behind the bar. I never went back for more, but I never had any regrets. She’s a big, happy woman and about the only thing she does that pisses me off is getting shit-faced on the job when I’m working the shift after hers. Trying to pick up the pieces for a drunk-off-her-ass bartender is a pain. She’s sipping on a greyhound right now and I can see trouble ahead for whoever’s on tonight.

It’s just about 4:30, so it’s a light crowd at the bar. Happy hour starts at 5:00, and things will pick up then. For now it’s just a few of Lisa’s hard-core regulars. I don’t know this bunch too well, but Amtrak John and Cokehead Dan are in. Everybody in this fucking place has a nickname.

I plop down on a stool and put my bag on the floor. Lisa comes over and brushes her fingertips across my forehead.

– Oh, Hank! They told me those guys left your pretty face alone. I specifically asked and everybody told me those assholes didn’t touch your pretty face.

– They didn’t, this is brand new.

– New! Oh, shit, Hank, what are you up to? You’re a lover, baby, not a fighter.

– Just lucky this week.

– Well, shit, baby. Let me get you some medicine.

She reaches into the cooler, pulls out a Bud, pops the top and puts it in front of me before I can say no. But I don’t want to say no; I don’t want to say no at all. Lisa raises her glass to me and nods at the beer.

– Drink up, Sailor.

That’s my nickname here, Sailor.Sailor Hank. I don’t know how it got started. Edwin picks your name and it just sticks.

– Drink up.

– Not right now, babe. I really just need to see Edwin, is he around?

She tosses off the rest of her drink and shakes her head.

– Naw, he’s been picking up your shifts till he can find someone he likes. So he’stakin ’ a lot of naps to keep up with the hours.

– He’ll be in later?

– Should be, he’s beencomin ’ in around, say, six or seven to do the cash, gets behind the bar about nine.

Edwin trusts me. It took about a year for me to become his top bartender, we never used the word manager , but at some point, I just started helping with inventory, ordering stock, and training new employees. But with Edwin, trust is a matter of degrees. So my problem right now is that while I’m pretty sure he put the key in the floor safe in the office, I don’t know the fucking combination.

– So you gonna have a drink with me or not?

– Doctors say no, babe.

– No shit?

– No shit.

– Not even beer?

– Not even beer.

– Well, shit on that.

– Shit on that indeed, babe. Shit.On. That.

– Well, you mind if I carry on myself?

– Don’t mind me, babe, it is no longer my problem.

She laughs as she builds another greyhound. She puts it in a beer mug and reallylays on the vodka. I’ve got to give it to her, she may end up drunk as a monkey, but it takes her all day to get there. She takes a sip from her glass.

– Aaaaahhh! Still mother’s milk to me, Sailor.

– Well, thank God for that. Look, I’m gonna run out to the store for a few things. Can I grab you anything?

– Yeah, get me a pack of smokes, willya?Marlboro Lights.The hundreds.

– Yeah, I know.

She tries to hand me a couple bucks for the cigarettes, but I wave her off.

– Just keep an eye on my bag, willya?

– Sure.

I pass my bag over to her and she tucks it into one of the cupboards behind the bar. I’ve got the cash in my jeans, but everything else is still in there. I head for the door and she cruises back down the bar. I turn to take a quick look at her ass. Time has been kind to Lisa. But then, she really is built for the long haul, not the sprints. The beer is still on the bar where she put it and I just can’t believe this is the second one I’m gonna walk out on today.

– Sailor! Hey, Sailor!

It’s Amtrak, waving to me from down the bar.

– Hey, Sailor, youwatchin ’ this?

He’s pointing at the TV and I look up just in time to see the first-inning scores from the day games out west: Dodgers 9, Giants 0. Amtrak cackles and tips his Mets cap at me.

– One back with two to go; stick a fork in you, pal, you’re done.

I wave my middle finger at him and walk out the door.

I’m at the Love Stores at 14th and Third. The bandage Dr. Bob stuck on my side got rubbed half off during my ride in Ed and Paris ’s trunk and I want to fix it. I grab a basket from the pile next to the door and head down the first aisle. I get a bunch of gauze pads, some surgical tape,a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, Band-Aids, and some Advil. I take everything up to the counter and ask the girl there for a carton of Marlboro Light 100s. I figure I’ll get Lisa a little going-away present. The girl is ringing it all up and putting it into a bag and I’m just kind of letting my gaze drift around when I catch a bright flash of color through the window behind the counter and I just say it:

– Shit.

– What?

– Nothing, sorry. How much?

– Fifty-nine forty-nine, and you best watch your language in here.

– Sorry, I just remembered I forgot something.

– Fine, forget all you like, just watch your language.

– Sure. Look, I know this sounds fucked up.

– I said, watch your language.

– Right, sorry.

– Yeah, you’re sorry. Now that’s fifty-nine forty-nine.

I take three twenties and a hundred from my pocket and spread them on the counter.

– What I’m trying to ask, I know this is weird, but is there a back way out of this place, and can I use it?

I push the C-note toward her and look at it significantly. She looks at the bill and back at me.

– No, there ain’tno back door to this place and you couldn’t use it if we had it and can’t you read?

She gestures to a sign taped to the cash register.

Due to a recent wave of counterfeiting, we cannot accept bills over $20.00.

– That’s fifty-nine dollars and forty-nine cents. Please.

I take the hundred off the counter and slideher the three twenties and she passes me my change.

– Fifty-one cents. And next time, watch your language.

I’m at a loss for words, so I just take my money and watch my language. Besides, I’m busy looking out the window behind her to see if I can catch another glimpse of Red on the sidewalk across the street.

I am not a rocket scientist. And yet this does not explain why I didn’t realize that someone was bound to have Paul’s staked out. Then again, in my own defense, I’ve never really done this before and I’m playing with professionals. Although whoever it was that sent Red to spy on me could stand to brush up on the basics of subtlety. I can see him out there, same red hair, same flashy clothes, except the pants are now bright blue polyester and the shirt is gold. He’s also wearing an enormous pair of yellow-tinted goggles. So at this point I’m not overly concerned about losing sight of him.

– Hey,foulmouth, you mind making room for customers ain’t gotta swear to expressthemselves?

I’m still standing at the counter and the girl is staring at me and pointing to the older woman behind me patiently waiting her turn.

– Sorry.

– Man, you just full ofsorrys. Now get out the way.

I shuffle a few steps to the right. I don’t really have any options. I’ll just go out the door and try to lose him on the street. I start out the door and the security guard steps in front of me and puts a hand in my chest.