JASON STARR - Panic Attack

Adam took a few steps toward the back of the bungalow and then peered through a dirty, cobwebbed window. He looked in at an old kitchen but didn’t see anyone. Then he heard a noise- it sounded like a floorboard creaking inside the bungalow- and he backed away.

He knew someone was inside the house, and he didn’t want to waste another second. He went back to the front, holding the gun out ahead of him. He hadn’t fired the Glock, or any gun, since the night he’d killed Carlos Sanchez. He saw a flash of the scene- the sound of the shots in the dark, the way the recoil had felt- but he shook it off quickly.

The front door was ajar. He opened it farther, just wide enough to get into the bungalow. He was making noise, the floorboards were creaking, but it didn’t matter anymore. His index finger was on the trigger, ready to fire.

“We’re back here, Doc.”

It was Xan’s voice. At least he was here, in the bungalow- and he’d said “we’re,” which seemed to be a good sign, too. But he sounded very casual, almost like he’d been expecting Adam. That wasn’t a good sign.

“Marissa, are you there?” Adam said. “Marissa?”

After a short pause, he heard Marissa say softly, “Yes, Daddy.”

Her voice was very weak. She sounded terrified.

“Don’t worry, honey. You’re gonna be okay, I promise.”

He approached the back room slowly, knowing this was probably some kind of trap. He knew Xan wouldn’t have told him where they were if he didn’t have something planned. Whatever it was, Adam was ready for it. There was no way he was going to let this son of a bitch hurt his little girl.

Suddenly Xan appeared ahead of him. Adam nearly fired, but just as his finger was about to squeeze the trigger, he realized that Xan wasn’t alone. He was holding Marissa in front of him, as a shield, pressing a gun up to her head.

“Hey, take it easy there, Doc,” Xan said. “Now’s not the time to get triggerhappy, if you know what I mean.”

Marissa looked absolutely terrified. Her eyes were bloodshot, her lips were trembling, and her nose was bloodied.

“Let her go,” Adam said.

“There you go again,” Xan said, “telling me what to do. When’re you gonna learn that that’s not the way this thing works? I’m the one who tells you what to do.”

Adam was aiming his gun at Xan’s head, or at least he was trying to. It was hard to keep his shooting hand steady.

“Don’t worry,” Adam said to Marissa. “It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.”

“Where’s my money?” Xan asked.

“Let her go first, then I’ll give it to you.”

Xan pressed the barrel of his gun harder into Marissa’s cheek. Marsissa started to scream, then seemed to stop herself.

Xan said to Adam, “Don’t make me ask you again.”

“It’s in my motel,” Adam said, “down the road. If you let her go we can go together, you and me, take your car if you want. Just let her go. That’s all I care about.”

“You must think I’m a real idiot, don’t you?” Xan said. “I’m some kind of moron, right? Just because you got those letters in front of your name, that makes you, what? Better than me?”

“Just give him the money!” Marissa yelled. The she said in a quieter, shakier voice, “Please, Dad… just give him the money. Please… please just give it to him.”

“He can’t give it to me,” Xan said. “You know why? Because he didn’t bring it, that’s why. Why don’t you tell her the truth, Doc? You didn’t bring any money, did you?”

Trying to aim his gun between Xan’s eyes, Adam said, “I told you, the money’s in my room.”

“You’re a lying bastard,” Xan said. “You didn’t bring any money because you wanted to handle it your way, didn’t you? You thought you could get off cheap, save your spoiled brat daughter, be the big hero. Now give me one reason why I shouldn’t kill her right now. Give me one reason.”

“Give him the money, Dad,” Marissa said, crying. “Just give it to him… Please, just give it to him… Please… Please…”

Part of Xan’s head was now behind Marissa’s head. Adam wasn’t sure he had a clear shot anymore.

“The police know I’m here,” Adam said because he was desperate and couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Now that I seriously doubt,” Xan said. “If you called the cops they would’ve been here a long time ago, and they sure as hell wouldn’t’ve had you follow me in a bright red rental car. You really thought I wouldn’t notice you, huh? You should’ve just had a big sign on top of it-It’s me. Here I am.”

Marissa was sobbing.

“The cops,” Xan continued, smiling. “Come on, I knew you’d never call the cops. That isn’t your style, is it, Doc? Nah, you’re a handle- it- yourself type of dude, right? Who needs cops? Get your gun, get your name in the paper- Dr. Bloom saves the day. Except it doesn’t always work out the way you want it to, does it? Yeah, it’s just like that night in your house all over again, when you killed my brother, Carlos. He wasn’t really my brother, but he was part of my family. You know what it feels like to lose part of your family, Doc? Well, maybe you do.”

Adam wanted to shoot him, squeeze off ten rounds like when he killed Sanchez, but he remained calm, as calm as he possibly could, and said, “You can’t get away. The cops’ll be here any second. Just let her go- this is between you and me. It has nothing to do with her.”

“I’ve listened to enough of your bullshit,” Xan said. “Drop your gun or I shoot the little bitch in the head.”

Xan had shifted a little. Adam had a clear shot at his right eye.

“Let her go,” Adam said.

“Listen to you, still thinking you can tell me what to do,” Xan said. “It doesn’t matter that your daughter’s about to die. You just have to be right, don’t you?”

“Drop your gun, Dad!” Marissa shouted. “Just fucking drop it!”

Adam knew he couldn’t drop his gun. If he did, Xan would shoot him, then shoot Marissa. He was sure of it.

“If you shoot her, I’m gonna shoot you,” Adam said.

“So you really think I give a shit about that?” Xan said. “What kind of shrink are you anyway? You really have no idea who I am, do you?”

Adam thought about all those times in the range when he’d hit the bull’s-eye, and the targets were much farther away than Johnny was right now. All he had to do was hit that bull’s-eye one time…

“You think I’m messing with you?” Xan said. “As you know, I had no problem killing your wife, who really wanted me, by the way. Man, she was so hot for me. I really wish I had a chance to-”

Adam fired. During the millisecond between when his finger pressed the trigger and when the bullet left the gun, he was aware of his shooting hand shifting slightly downward and to the right. But it was too late to do anything about it, and he had to watch helplessly as the bullet entered Marissa’s chest.

The rest seemed to happen in super slow motion- Marissa falling, all of that blood, his realization that he’d shot his daughter. Maybe Adam had started to scream, No, or maybe he was just thinking about screaming it, when he heard the second shot.

Marissa had been thinking one thing all along: Stay alive. On the way to wherever she was now, most of the time she didn’t know whether she was asleep or awake- everything was blurred, part of the same nightmare. A few times the confusion lifted and she realized what was going on, that for some reason, Xan, her Xan, had drugged her and was taking her someplace. What the fuck? She also knew that he’d probably killed her mother, but this concept was impossible for her to comprehend. She had no idea what the hell was wrong with him, how any of this could possibly be happening, but she knew she had to do whatever she had to do to stay alive.