JASON STARR - Panic Attack

Suddenly furious, Johnny drove out of the lot. It was time for plan C, or D, or whatever the hell letter he was up to. He’d go back to Max’s and shoot Marissa. Killing a guy’s wife and daughter was good enough revenge. Yeah, the million dollars would’ve been nice, but Johnny knew money wouldn’t matter once the Casanova book sold, and he’d get hundreds of thousands of dollars, maybe millions, someday from the Bloodworks. Yeah, he’d have to let Adam live, but maybe that was a good thing. Living was so much worse than dying. Why give the guy a break?

Then, a few minutes later, Johnny looked in his rearview and saw a red midsize car about a hundred yards behind him. There was another car in between, and it was hard to see the driver of the red car, but then, as they went around the bend, Johnny caught a glimpse of the guy, and he couldn’t believe it. Who the hell did he think he was kidding?

Around sunrise, Adam left Forest Hills. The reporters were finally gone, but he had a feeling that, no matter what happened upstate, they’d be back very soon.

He’d left a note for his mother on the kitchen table: Running some errands. He knew she’d get worried when he didn’t come home and was unreachable, but he had no choice. If he told her he was driving up to the Catskills to try rescue Marissa singlehandedly, she would’ve called the police and possibly gotten Marissa killed.

Adam drove to La Guardia Airport, parked in long- term parking, and then rented a Taurus at Bud get. He knew Xan would be looking out for the SUV or the Merc, and he wanted to be as incognito as possible.

Several times, he almost stopped and turned back. He knew he was taking a huge risk by going up alone, but he didn’t see any alternative. If he called the police it would be the equivalent of gambling that the police would bust Xan before he had a chance to kill Marissa or that Xan had been lying about how he’d kill Marissa if the police got involved. He’d misjudged Xan from the beginning- they all had- and he wasn’t going to do it again.

Adam exited the New York State Thruway in Kingston and, using directions from a map he’d printed, found the ShopRite. It was early, before ten o’clock, but he was glad he was here, relieved he’d avoided the nightmare scenario of getting stuck on the road and missing the noon meeting time. He didn’t want to stay in a static position, though, and risk being spotted by Xan, so he drove around the area and then parked for a while in the lot of a nearby strip mall. At eleven thirty, he headed back to the ShopRite. As he entered the lot he spotted Xan in his parked car just outside the lot. He was pretty sure that Xan hadn’t seen him, but it was a close call- too close. If Xan had spotted him that would’ve been it; the whole plan would’ve been shot to hell. He should have waited across the road and watched with binoculars or something. He was angry at himself for making that slipup, and he was aware of his raging pulse. In his rush to leave the house he’d forgotten to take the Klonopin with him, and he hadn’t had a pill since last night. Klonopin was supposed to have a long half- life but, maybe because he’d doubledosed yesterday, he was already aware of possible withdrawal symptoms- severe anxiety, irritability, panic. He once had a patient who’d had a seizure when he went off Klonopin too quickly. That was all Adam needed right now, a goddamn seizure.

He pulled into a spot between a pickup truck and an SUV. This was perfect because, while most of his car was out of sight from where Xan was positioned, he could still see the back third or so of Xan’s car and he’d know when he pulled away.

Adam didn’t stop staring at Xan’s car, not even to look at his watch. He was trying to blink as little as possible, to the extent that after a while his eyes started to feel irritated.

Adam had no idea what time it was, but it had to be after twelve o’clock. Xan was probably starting to get impatient, slowly realizing that he was getting stood up.

Then Xan left, pulling away suddenly. Adam had been idling the engine of his car, but a woman was walking by in front of him, pushing a large wagon full of groceries and holding a little girl’s hand. She had another child in a BabyBjцrn.

“Move it!” Adam yelled. “Come on, move it already!” He would’ve been better off saying nothing. His tantrum made the woman stop and stare for a couple of moments, like she was looking at an insane person.

“Come on, come on!” he yelled, waving his arms frantically, and then the woman finally moved out of the way and Adam peeled out of the lot, nearly colliding with a car that was backing out of a space near the exit.

Adam spotted Xan’s car up ahead and followed from a distance as Xan made several turns. Then Xan got on a ramp and sped up as he entered US209. Adam entered as well, but he couldn’t see Xan’s car any longer, and there was a limit to how fast he could go because there were cars ahead of him on the two- lane road. He weaved in and out, into the opposing lane, but there was too much oncoming traffic to risk trying to pass the other cars. Even more troubling, he couldn’t see Xan’s car. If Xan had turned off the road that would be it- Marissa could wind up dead.

“Please, God, no,” Adam begged. “No, no, no…”

Klonopinless, Adam took deep breaths, trying to get hold of himself.

There was a break in the oncoming traffic, and Adam accelerated past three cars, barely making it back into the right lane and avoiding a head- on collision with a van. His heart was beating furiously when he spotted Xan’s car, about one hundred yards ahead of him.

It was hard to feel any real relief, though, as he knew that this was probably the riskiest part of his entire plan. He had to stay far enough behind that Xan didn’t realize he was being followed, but at the same time he couldn’t lose him again. It didn’t help that US- 209 was a winding road and around every bend Xan’s car seemed to disappear. After about thirty minutes, Xan turned right onto a narrower, bumpier, even curvier road. Adam lost track of Xan’s car as they passed what seemed to be an old bungalow colony. He went past a rundown tennis court and over an old, very small wooden bridge but didn’t see Xan’s car anywhere. He had a hunch that Xan had turned off the road, and he made a fast U-turn and headed back past the tennis court. He knew if his hunch was wrong it could turn out to be a fatal error, as he could have lost Xan for good, but then up ahead to the right, on top of the hill, near several decaying bungalows, Adam spotted Xan’s car.

Suddenly Adam was confident again. Following Xan rather than paying the ransom or calling the cops had been the right move after all. Everything was going the way he’d planned it last night and early this morning. He was going to save Marissa and drive her back to the city. Tonight she’d be home, safe in bed where she belonged.

Adam parked off to the side of the road at the bottom of the hill. He checked to make sure his Glock was loaded and he had more ammo, three more clips in his jacket pocket, and then he got out of the car, closing the door as softly as possible.

He didn’t want to go up the hill in plain sight along the dirt road, so he walked through the shrubbery alongside the road, crouching to stay low. He knew time was a huge factor now. He hadn’t shown up at the meeting spot, and, for all he knew, Xan was going to do exactly what he’d said he was going to do and kill Marissa. Adam had a vision of Xan with a knife, like the one he’d used to kill Dana, and he started moving fast, jogging and then running up the hill while still staying low, trying to remain out of view.

He reached the edge of the shrubbery; his arms were cut up by thorns, but he barely noticed. He took a quick look around and didn’t see Xan by his car or anywhere else, so with his right hand in his jacket pocket gripping the handle of the Glock, he jogged through the high grass and weeds toward the bungalow near where the car was parked. He went up to the side of the bungalow and waited a moment. He didn’t hear anything- not a bad sign, as anything was better than hearing Marissa’s screaming- but he hoped that he was in the right place, that Johnny and Marissa weren’t in some other bungalow or someplace else. There was also a possibility that Marissa wasn’t even here, that Johnny had come to this decrepit bungalow colony for some other reason. This would be awful, because if Johnny returned to his car alone now and drove away, Adam wouldn’t be able to make it down the hill to his own car in time to follow him.