JASON STARR - Panic Attack

“Someday,” she said. “Definitely. What about you?”

“Yeah,” Johnny said. Then he added, “And I think you and me could make great- looking babies.”

If she seemed at all freaked out by this, he would’ve backed off, changed the subject, said he was only joking.

Instead she said, “I know, I was thinking about that today actually.”

“You were?”

“Yeah. I mean, I know it’s early, but I definitely feel strongly about you.”

Wow, Johnny was impressed with himself. He knew Marissa would be especially vulnerable today, on the day of her mother’s funeral, but she was about as attached to him as a person could possibly get.

“I want to show you something,” he said.

He went over to his suit jacket, which he’d laid over the chair at her desk, and took the diamond ring out of the inside pocket.

“I know this isn’t the right time to do this,” he said. “And I’m not sure you’ll even want me to do it, but if you do… someday… look at what I have.”

He opened his hand and watched her eyes widen. It was amazing the way women shit themselves over diamonds.

“Wow, it’s beautiful,” she said.

“My grandmother gave it to me when she was dying of cancer. She told me to propose to the girl I love someday.”

Marissa was smiling, and Johnny knew she was thinking, Please let that girl be me. Please let me be Mrs. Xan Evonov.

Then her expression changed and she said, “It was your grandmother’s ring?”

“Yeah,” Johnny said.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s weird. It doesn’t look like a very old setting.”

“That’s because I had it reset. Yeah, I wanted it to look more modern, and it’s the stone that’s really important to me.”

Good thing Johnny was a fast thinker.

“That’s so sweet,” she said, “and the stone is so beautiful.”

He could tell she wanted to try the ring on, but he took it away, thinking, Always leave them wanting more.

He was kissing her tenderly when there was a knock at the door.

“Yes?” Marissa said.

“Dinner’s on the table.” It was Grandma Ann.

“Okay, coming,” Marissa said.

“It’s getting cold.”

“We’ll be right down.”

Johnny didn’t hear Grandma Ann’s footsteps. He pictured her at the door, trying to listen in.

“Maybe I should go,” Johnny said, talking low, almost whispering.

“Why?” Marissa asked, concerned but talking very quietly, matching Johnny’s tone.

“I just think your family needs some time alone.”

“Please don’t go. I need you here tonight.”

Johnny decided he would electrocute Marissa. It wouldn’t happen for a long time, for months, and he’d have to work out the details, but when the time was right, that was how he’d get rid of her.

Moving a few strands of hair away from her eyes, Johnny said, “I really think your grandmother doesn’t want me here.”

“I’m telling you that’s just the way she is.”

Now Johnny heard Grandma Ann walking away down the hallway. Johnny gave Marissa a look that said, See what I mean?

“She’s totally harmless, I’m telling you.”

Johnny didn’t believe her, but he decided to focus on the positives. Dana was dead, and Marissa was in love with him and, even better, was practically ready to marry him. Everything was falling into place. It was time to move ahead with the next phase of the plan, and this would be the most enjoyable phase, the part that would give him the biggest rush.

Yeah, it was time to kill Adam Bloom.

Hello, Dr. Bloom, this is Lisa DiStefano. I’m very sorry to tell you this, but…but I’m going to have to discontinue my treatment… I’m really sorry, Doctor, but I just feel like I have no choice. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and-

Adam couldn’t listen to any more. He deleted the message, as well as the other messages he hadn’t even listened to yet, and shut off his BlackBerry. He didn’t know how many patients he’d lost so far- ten, fifteen? And those were only the ones who’d bothered to call, the ones he’d been seeing for years, who felt indebted to him. The others probably just wouldn’t bother to show up to their appointments.

It wasn’t like the situation would ever improve, either. Even if the police announced that they’d made an arrest in the case, if Adam was completely vindicated, the damage had already been done. His name had been permanently scarred, and people would always believe that there had to be some truth in there somewhere. Maybe he really did kill his wife and the police botched the evidence. Or if he didn’t kill his wife, he’d shot that guy in his house, hadn’t he? He was still unstable, still crazy. Maybe if he was a plumber or a carpenter he could’ve continued his career at some point, but as a psychologist, people needed to trust him with their mental health; they needed to know that the person treating them wasn’t potentially crazier than they were.

All funerals are like nightmares, but for Adam, Dana’s funeral was especially horrific. It was bad enough that he had to bury his wife, a woman whose life had been tragically cut short- she’d only been forty- seven years old, for God’s sake- but he had to suffer through the indignity of being scrutinized and judged, not only by the media and the public but by his own family. Even Marissa didn’t believe he was innocent. This made Adam feel horribly sick whenever he thought about it, and he wasn’t sure their relationship could ever recover from this. At the chapel and at the cemetery, people kept giving him looks and acting generally suspicious. Even when people came up to pay their respects, he knew that they weren’t being sincere. They were sorry for Dana, but they had no sympathy for him- and these were the people who supposedly cared about him the most. These were people he’d grown up with, gone to school with, worked with. He’d been there during the difficult times in their lives, when their loved ones were sick or had died, but now, when he needed them the most, they deserted him. He felt bitter and betrayed. He felt completely alone in the world.

Well, almost completely alone. He was glad his mother was there. Like every other person in the world, Adam had mother issues. Despite his best attempts over the years to achieve resolution, to reach closure, he had petty, unresolved resentments toward his mother that he’d harbored for years and that led to constant bitterness toward her. Although he always tried to confront his feelings and express himself fully, it was usually hard for him not to act irritable when he was around her for an extended period of time- well, for more than a day or two. But today he needed support and unconditional love from his mother, and he’d appreciated it when, shortly after she arrived from Florida, she took him aside and said, “I know my son isn’t a killer.”

This was exactly what he needed to hear. Finally he had an ally. “Thank you, Mom,” he said. “You don’t know how much it means to me to hear you say that.”

As his mother held him, he felt like he was a child again and he’d just scraped his knee on the sidewalk and run home to his mommy.

“Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay,” she said.

For a few moments, he actually believed her.

Then, maybe because he was with his mother and felt safe and protected, he suddenly felt the need to cleanse his soul. He said, “I made a mistake the other night, Mom. I didn’t have to shoot that guy.”

Adam had talked to his mother on the phone a few times since the shooting, but he’d only given her the general details because he didn’t want to upset her too much.

“Oh, stop it, you did what you had to do,” his mother said. “Somebody was in your house in the middle of the night. What were you supposed to do, let him shoot you first?”