Joe Lansdale - Captains Outrageous

Then the road dipped and I could only see the rise of land on which it was positioned. The road went that way awhile, then rose again. I took a cutoff that was all dirt and steered through tight trees that scraped the car, finally came to a widening in the road that was below Juan Miguel’s wall.

I pulled over and got out with the suitcase.

I walked up the road apiece, where the brush and trees cleared, looked up. There was moonlight and man-made light spilling over the vine-covered wall. I could see it was no easy task to go up the side of that big hill, which was maybe two hundred feet high to the wall.

I took off my belt and ran it through the suitcase handle and fastened it, slipped the belt over my head and one shoulder, started to climb.

At first there was vines and brush to hold on to, then some rocks and little plants that sometimes jerked free of the dirt the moment I touched them.

When I was about halfway, I thought I was going to have to give up and start down. I lay tight against the hill, my face touching a cool rock, and gave that a lot of thought. I could get down from here now, give up this silly idea, go back to the hotel, throw away my note, shower, get in bed with Brett and make love to her, and tomorrow, no matter what Jim Bob or Leonard thought, I could take her home and live happily ever after.

I took a deep breath, started up again.

I had gone about twenty more feet when I decided I definitely couldn’t make it and had to go back. The suitcase was killing me. Atlas and the world on his shoulders was nothing compared to that goddamn suitcase.

But by then I had gone too far. I was committed.

I continued climbing. It was slow, exhausting work. My fingers ached something horrible. I was losing feeling in them. I wasn’t even sure if I was holding on to anything. I decided to look neither up nor down, but to concentrate on the moment, on what was in front of me.

I had no idea how long I had been climbing. Wasn’t wearing my watch. Couldn’t look at it if I had been. Too dark. Couldn’t spare the handhold.

The moonlight shifted. Maybe two hours had passed. I needed to pee. My hands hurt and they were bleeding.

I kept at it. Inch by inch. And then I touched the rough rock wall and the vines that grew over it.

I clutched a fistful of vines and tugged. The wall didn’t come loose. Neither did the vines.

I pulled and scuttled and pretty soon I was near the top.

I reached an arm over the wall, hauled up slowly, poked my face over the edge, looked down on Juan Miguel’s property.

There was no one there. The pools were blue and shiny and the growth around their edges was thick and green.

I dropped over the wall, managed to get a shaft of a shrub nearly up my ass, fell, clattered against some tall elephant ears and lay still.

I got up slowly, hustled around on my hands and knees until I could see through a split in the shrubs.

Still no one.

I opened the suitcase and took out the rifle parts and, in the glow of the pool lights, I put it together, pushed in the clip, put on the silencer. I didn’t bother with the scope. This close I didn’t need a scope.

I pulled the suitcase back with me, found a place less obvious. It was a thick swathe of hedge next to a palm tree that afforded me about six feet between it and the wall, and was a good hiding place. It was a good position. I could see all of the side pool. Across the way, I could see the backyard pool.

He said he swam every night.

Would he swim tonight?

Was he off celebrating having Hermonie shot, having Cesar’s feet and hands skinned, Ferdinand chopped up like a fish at the market?

Maybe he was celebrating by staying over with his mistress.

The bitch. Jim Bob was right. She knew what Juan Miguel did. What he was like. She didn’t care.

I took a pee in the bushes, picked some prickles out of my hands as best I could.

It was hot even for so late at night, so I sat with my back against the cool stone wall, watching through my split in the shrubbery.

There were lights on in the house. They looked orange instead of yellow. I watched the lights until I decided they were causing me to focus too hard. I began watching left and right, waiting, listening.

I must have dozed for a while. I came awake to the sound of the back door opening.

Some ambusher I was.

A woman came out. The wife. She was nude. She walked out to the back pool, leaped in, swam for a while.

This nude business was starting to seem common to me. Maybe I should strip off now. I could be the nude ambusher.

I kept waiting for Juan Miguel, but he didn’t show.

She must have swum half an hour. She climbed out, snatched a towel off the back of a chair and slowly dried herself, running the towel the length of her legs, drying between her legs, her breasts, her hair. When she was finished, I felt like I should leave her money.

She went inside. The orange lights soon went out. The moon was starting to drop low in the sky.

I leaned against the wall and dozed.

I dreamed of trying to go back over the wall, of falling.

Then I dreamed I was eating a banana.

I hoped to God I was smart enough to never tell Leonard about that dream. He’d give me shit.

I awoke, hungry, in spite of my nocturnal banana. My stomach growled. Loud.

Trying to shift to get comfortable, I heard a car door. I peeked through my leafy peephole. Beyond the pool, about where Jim Bob and I had taken a beating from Juan Miguel’s two assholes, was a long black car. Juan Miguel got out. So did Hammerhead and one of the assholes.

The other asshole drove the car to the other side of the house, to the garage. The remaining three walked up the drive and the big stone steps before I could say to myself, “Where the hell is my gun?”

They went inside.

Some shooter I was.

I waited awhile. They didn’t come out. I stood up, stretched my legs behind some tall plants, took a leak again, went back to my spot, lay on my side with my back against the wall. I knew it was not a good idea, but I couldn’t help myself. I was exhausted. I slept.

When I awoke I had a taste in my mouth like a well-used cat box. The greasy moon was gone and the sun was a ball of flaming lead burning away the clouds, heading up toward high noon.

I was sweaty and my face was dirty where I had slept with it pressed to the ground. I brushed myself off, moved my tongue around in my mouth trying to move the rotten taste about.

I peeked through the slit in the shrubs, saw nothing. He was probably sleeping in. Maybe getting a morning quickie with the wife, then brunch.

I wondered how that worked for the wife. She knew he had a mistress. Did she say, “Hey, did you and Ileana have a good hump last night? You did wash your pecker before we did it, didn’t you? What shall I get her for her birthday? Edible underwear?”

It was such a weird situation, and yet to them it was as normal as a nose on a face.

A pocked and diseased nose.

Maybe he wasn’t sleeping in. Maybe he had already left, and me, the lone assassin, had slept through it.

I wondered if Brett had seen my note.

Surely.

By the sun it was about ten o’clock I figured.

What was Brett thinking since I hadn’t come back?

Had she told Jim Bob and Leonard?

Would they do something foolish like rent a taxi and have it drop them off so they could go into the house, guns blazing, looking for me?

Nope. That was more my kind of plan.

More Leonard’s kind of plan. Jim Bob wouldn’t let that happen. He might come in guns blazing, but he wouldn’t arrive in a taxi. He’d be sneaky.

Hell, I had been sneaky, and in the end I had hidden in the bushes and taken a nap.

I was thinking about that, when suddenly I realized I was looking directly at Juan Miguel.