Joe Lansdale: Captains Outrageous

“Brett, I don’t steal from the dead.”

“I know. But listen. What if you took the money and gave it to Ferdinand? He could buy a new boat. He could go on with his life. If anyone deserves the money, it’s him. His daughter was killed by that animal. Charlie, he doesn’t have anyone he’d want to have the money. Certainly not his ex-wife.”

“You got a point. It works out that way, okay. Ferdinand gets the money. Maybe Cesar will have other ideas. I don’t know. But it’s okay with me.”

“You’re going to have him deliver half, right?”

“It’s all he’ll ever deliver,” I said. “We’re going to kill him, remember? Then let the girl go.”

“You want to do this right, want to get him good, have him pay all the money, and on the last delivery kill him.”

“You’re cold, Brett.”

“We’re going to kill him anyway, right?”

“Right.”

“He’s a piece of shit, right?”

“Right.”

“So we kill him, and we take him for a million. Ferdinand would never have to worry. And with that kind of money, neither would we.”

I turned in my chair and looked at her.

“Brett, I’m not sure I believe my ears. Didn’t you just say you didn’t want the money?”

“It’s a lot of money.”

“It’s not like we’re finding it in a pig track. It’s blood money.”

“I was just thinking out loud,” she said. “Jesus. Will you listen to me? Money does corrupt. I feel like Humphrey Bogart in Treasure of the Sierra Madre.”

“Well, one thing you got going for you, you don’t look like Bogart. And if it’s any consolation, I’ve thought of the money too. You can’t help but think about it. But we start getting greedy, even if we get greedy for someone else, we’re gonna end up messing up.”

“Don’t you want the Anthropology Museum to have those facades?”

“Brett, we don’t need money for them to have the facades. We just give them a tip-off on where they’re hidden. They’ll do the rest.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot. But you know what?”

“What?”

“You could quit working at the chicken plant. You could do what you want. So could I.”

“For a while. Even if we took the money, it would be split between everyone, our share would be small for a lifetime. We could live on it for a while, but then what?”

“We invest it.”

“And maybe we lose it.”

“True. I don’t know anything about the stock market. We could live off of it while you figured out what you really wanted to do. Maybe you could go to college. You got some hours, right?”

“Right.”

“You could get a degree, maybe teach or something.”

It sounded good. But it sounded wrong. Still, I sat and considered.

Brett said, “When does Jim Bob let Ileana talk to Juan Miguel?”

“I don’t know. He’s playing it loose, making sure Juan Miguel is tense. He’s also giving him time to get the money together. Mostly though, it’s just Jim Bob playing a waiting game.”

“You think he knows what he’s doing?”

“Much as anyone knows. You should have seen him at Juan Miguel’s. He was as cool as an ice tray. He had Juan Miguel eating out of his hand. Juan Miguel tried to act like he was in charge, but I tell you, Jim Bob, he was running the show. We left, his hand was shaking bad as mine, but he didn’t show it, not with Juan Miguel.”

“Did you?”

“I don’t know. Jim Bob says I didn’t. I hope I didn’t.”

“You wouldn’t want to be outmachoed by Jim Bob, would you?”

“I wouldn’t,” I said, “but I got to tell you, that sonofabitch is more macho than my brother, Leonard. I’m surprised he doesn’t go around with a wheelbarrow in front of him so he can carry his balls.”

“Remember,” Brett said, “Leonard’s macho and queer as a duck in a tuxedo. He’s starting one square lower on the tough guy scale. So, you got to sort of give him special points.”

“I wouldn’t let him hear you say that.”

“Hap, we come out all right on this, you and me, we’re gonna stay together. Right?”

“We’re gonna get married,” I said. “If you want to, of course.”

“You’re not joking?”

“I’m not. I had a ring I’d give it to you. But you didn’t say if you’d marry me. We’ve talked about it, but we haven’t really talked about it. We just keep saying someday. I’m saying we’ve about come to that day.”

Brett slid her chair over close to me and put her arm around me.

“I want to. Bad. But you got to pretend on our wedding night that I’m a renewed virgin.”

“That won’t be easy,” I said.

“Most women play that game.”

“It still won’t be easy.”

“Well, considering I been to bed more than a hospitalful of invalids, I know that,” Brett said. “But you got to try, just the same. You don’t try, well, to put it in simple terms, you don’t get any nookie.”

“You drive a hard bargain,” I said.

We were sitting there snuggling, when we saw Jim Bob and Leonard come along the pedestrian walk.

“Back from Cesar’s already,” I said. “Things be happenin’.”

I went to the door and opened it. Jim Bob and Leonard appeared in the hallway, and I ushered them in.

“How goes it?” I said.

“Good. You got a beer?” Jim Bob said.

He looked rough. He had taken a worse beating than I had. One eye was swollen and there was a bruise the color of smashed plum on his right cheek. The lip on that side was fat and dark. His hat had crease lines all through it.

“There’s a beer in the cash bar. What about you, Leonard?”

“I want John.”

“He’s not in the cash bar,” I said.

I got the bar key and retrieved a beer for Jim Bob. He twisted off the cap, dropped down in the only cushioned chair, and pressed the cold bottle against the bruise on his cheek.

“Man,” he said, “I could cook an egg on this motherfucker.”

Brett and I sat on the edge of the bed. Leonard pulled one of the wooden chairs over and sat down, crossed his legs and played with the toe of his shoe.

“How’d it go?” Brett asked.

“Well, we hauled Ileana to a pay phone, twisted her arm, had her talk to Juan Miguel a bit,” Jim Bob said. “I talked to him then. I set a meeting up. He’s so mad he sounds as if he could eat the ass out of a bull and spit out a wallet.”

I said, “When?”

“Tonight.”

“That’s quick. I thought you’d let him sweat.”

“I don’t think we ought to fuck around.”

“And I don’t like waiting,” Leonard said. “It makes my feet break out in little hives.”

“Juan Miguel is supposed to meet us at the souvenir stands on this side of Tulum,” Jim Bob said. “He brings the money, we take the money. He thinks that’s it. He thinks he gives us the money, then we set up the next meeting, where we give him the girl and he gives us the rest of the money. I was him, that’s where I’d think about nailing us. He gets the girl, double-crosses us, kills us. That would be the plan if I were doing it. Maybe I was him I’d torture us to give back the first batch of money.”

“So, like us,” I said, “you’ve actually thought about the money?”

“You can’t help but think about the money,” Jim Bob said. “ ’Course, being smarter than the average criminal, the plan should be take the first batch of money and kill the woman-”

“We’re not doing that,” Brett said. “That’s not the deal.”

“Of course not,” Jim Bob said. “I’m saying if I were really a kidnapper.”

“You really are,” I said.

“You know what I mean. I was really out for the money, I’d take the half, let the girl go free, or kill her, and get away with what I got. Best thing to do would be to actually let her go. That way Juan Miguel doesn’t have a way to magnify the grudge.”