Parnell Hall - The Underground Man

“They locked him up.”

“Locked him up?”

“Yeah.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“In Bellevue. They locked him up in Bellevue.”

“You mean they had him committed?”

“That’s right.”

“Who?”

“Jason and Fred.”

“When did this happen?”

“Last night.”

“You wanna tell me about it?”

Jeremy shrugged. “Not much to tell. They’d been planning it for months. I’d overhear them sometimes. They had it all set. Had this doctor at Bellevue lined up to commit him. Doctor, hell. Damn headshrinker. These guys got some nerve callin’ themselves doctors, you know? But Jason and Fred found this guy, sold him a story. Probably promised him a wad of cash too. Had him draw up the papers.”

“The papers?”

“Yeah. They were all set to commit Uncle Jack. The only problem was, they couldn’t find him. Two weeks ago, when uncle Carl was up here-that’s the first time they’d seen him in months.” Jeremy shrugged. “Of course, Uncle Carl’s such a douchebag lamebrain. He couldn’t stick with him. Uncle Jack just ditched him. That’s why Carl was in here giving you such a hard time. ’Cause he knew he’d blown it and he felt like a total asshole.” Jeremy grinned and shook his head. “I tell you, Jason and Fred really gave it to him good. For losing him, I mean.”

“Why’d he tell ‘em?”

“What?”

“If he knew they’d be mad, why’d he tell ‘em he saw the guy at all?”

“He had to. He saw Uncle Jack in the street. He called Fred right away, told him he’d spotted Uncle Jack and to rush right down with the commitment papers. By the time Fred got there, Uncle Jack had given Carl the slip. That’s why Carl was so hot to get the information out of you. He knew he’d fucked up royally and was in the dog house, and he wanted to do something to get out from under.”

“And yesterday?”

“Same thing. Only this time it was Fred spotted Uncle Jack. He called Jason, they rushed the papers over, and this time they served him.”

“Who did?”

“Two hospital orderlies. Found him in a subway station. Put a straightjacket on him and carted him away.”

“And he’s in Bellevue now?”

“That’s right.”

“So whaddya want me to do?”

“Get him out.”

“Why?”

Jeremy scrunched up his face. “Hey, man. What kind of question is that?”

“I want to know how you come into all this. Why do you want your uncle out?”

“He isn’t crazy.”

“No?”

“No. Why should he be locked up if he isn’t crazy? If you ask me, if anybody’s crazy it’s Jason and Fred.”

“Oh?”

“Oh, not crazy crazy. I don’t mean like they’re nuts. I just mean like they’re weird.”

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

“What question?”

“What’s your interest in this?”

“To get Uncle Jack out. Oh, you mean why.” Jeremy shrugged. “I dunno. I like him. I guess that’s it. I like him. Like, you gotta understand. My family’s kind of weird. The whole setup, I mean. Like I never had a mother or a father. I was brought up by Aunt Rose-there’s a winner. And Jason and Fred. And Carl, for Christ’s sake.” Jeremy rolled his eyes. “You have no idea what it’s like. And all of ‘em living in the big house in Great Neck, livin’ there and sponging off Uncle Jack. If you ask me, he’s the only straight one in the bunch. Sure, he’s weird. Sure, he’s old. But crazy? No. He never treated me like-I don’t know-like some stupid kid got no business being there.

“So it’s not right. Them locking him up, I mean. It’s not because he’s crazy. It’s just ’cause they want to get their hands on the money.

“So you got to get him out. Can you do it?”

Steve sighed and rubbed his head. “It’s a little complicated.”

“Complicated? What’s complicated? They put him in Bellevue, he isn’t crazy, he shouldn’t be there, he should get out.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why not?”

“Well, let me ask you some questions. Where you living now?”

“Jersey, why?”

“When’d you move there?”

“Six months ago.”

“Why?”

“You know why. Carl told you. Uncle Jack sold the house and we all had to move. Why are you asking that?”

“I told you. I’m not really free to discuss this or give you any information. So it simplifies things if I ask you for the information we need to discuss.”

Jeremy thought that over. “I gotcha. O.K. Shoot.”

“You say Uncle Jack sold the house. So where’s he living?”

“Like nowhere.”

“Nowhere? You mean he has no home?”

“Right.”

“So where’s he sleep?”

“On the subway.”

“I take it Uncle Jack has some money?”

“You kidding? He’s worth millions.”

“And yet he has no home and sleeps on the subway with the bums and winos.” Steve spread his hands wide. “I rest my case, Your Honor, the man is nutty as a fruitcake.”

Jeremy shook his head. “You can’t go by that.”

“Oh yeah? Well, a judge can.”

“That’s not fair. Sleeping on the subway doesn’t prove a man’s nuts.”

“Well, it doesn’t prove he’s sane, either. I gotta convince a judge a man who sleeps on the subway’s sane, I gotta come up with a pretty good reason. So you tell me. Why’s he doing it?”

“To spite them.”

“To spite who?”

“Jason, Fred, Carl. All of us, really.”

“Again we come back to why. Just they’re after his money?”

“Yeah, well partly. But that’s not really it.”

“Well, what is?”

“Well, I guess it’s about Julie.”

“Julie?”

“Yeah. You don’t know about Julie?”

“Assume I don’t. Who’s Julie?”

Jeremy snuffled. “This is stupid.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah.”

Jeremy looked at him. shrugged. “O.K. Have it your way. Julie’s this woman Uncle Jack met about a year ago. When the family found out they went nuts.”

“What do you mean, when the family found out?”

“Oh, like Uncle Jack had been acting different for a while, you know? Like not talking. Which wasn’t like him. So Jason and Fred were concerned about it. I heard ‘em talkin’. They were wondering what’s up. They asked Uncle Jack questions, trying to worm it out of him. He wasn’t talking.

“Then one day he brings her to the house.”

“Julie?”

“Yeah, Julie. I tell you, Jason nearly hit the roof.”

“How come?”

“Well, for one thing, she’s young. Well, not young young. She’s like forty. But compared to Uncle Jack.”

“So what happened?”

“I told you. Jason went bananas. Fred and Carl too. I mean, this is the worst thing that could happen. Like they’re all expecting one day Uncle Jack’s gonna kick the bucket and they’re gonna come into the money. And now this. You should have heard ‘em. I mean, it’s twenty-five years since his wife died. He’s never been serious about another woman since. Suddenly, at age seventy-five he’s got a girlfriend. Well, Jason and Fred take one look and see their inheritance going out the window. What if Uncle Jack should marry?”

Steve looked at Jeremy narrowly. “How would you feel about that?”

Jeremy shrugged. “Hey, it’s his life and his money. At seventy-five it’s hard to figure, but if the guy wants to have fun, that’s his business.”

“What about you? Don’t you stand to inherit?”

“Oh, sure. A nice trust fund with Aunt Rose in charge. Whoopdedo.”

“Still, something to lose.”

Jeremy shrugged. “Uncle Jack wouldn’t screw me. Even if he got married, so what? There’s enough to go around. Jason and Fred, they want it all.”