Colin Cotterill - Grandad, Thereэ's head on the beach

BOSS: You were supposed to bring us seventeen. Isn't that right? That's what they…He's not listening. Someone throw him overboard.

SKIPPER: Brahhhl'tppaabbrrr.

PI Meng: He gets like this often, sir. I'll take care of him.

BOSS: I don't give a damn about him. I want to know about the numbers. Seventeen, they said. One stepped out of line and in front of a few bullets. Now that, to my tiny mind, leaves sixteen. Is that wrong? Anybody here think that's not right? And that's what we got. And I don't like this. Who are you? How did you just happen to be bobbing about in the sea at the right time?

PI Meng: I wasn't bobbing, sir. I've got me own boat. Me and me brother. We wasn't far away, so when he radioed, we went and met him. That's when I found the stowaways.

BOSS: Who was riding shotgun on the ferry? Su, get over here.

CREW 2: Yes, boss?

BOSS: You know anything about this?

CREW 2: About what, boss?

BOSS: This unknown person's claiming there were two extra Burmese in this shipment.

CREW 2: Really?

BOSS: Really? What do you mean, really? You were supposed to count 'em onto the boat. Were there seventeen or nineteen?

CREW 2: When I counted 'em, there was seventeen, boss.

BOSS: And you counted 'em as they arrived on the boat?

CREW 2: Yeah. When they was sitting on the boat.

BOSS: Well, which? As they boarded, or after they were on board?

CREW 2: There was a lot of stuff going on all around. Boats coming in and out. People walking around. We had to get 'em on in a hurry. And there was a lot of 'em. So I had to help with the round-up. Hurry 'em up, you know? Then me and the police boys had to chain up their ankles. Then I counted 'em.

BOSS: Did the police boys tell you there were two extra?

CREW 2: We don't exactly talk. Not exactly best mates, you know? They're animals, those two.

BOSS: So it is possible that they brought two more Burmese?

CREW 2: Very possible, boss. Very possible.

BOSS: And what are the chances that these two enormous people hid themselves under a tarpaulin, like that one over there, and you and the police boys didn't notice 'em?

CREW 2: I suspect we would'a been so stressed out just tying these ones down that we wouldn't of thought of looking.

BOSS: Jeez! This is the quality of staff we pay the big money for.

CREW 2: One armed guard for all them-

BOSS: Shut up. Just shut up. Moo, get down there.

(THE SOUND OF A THUD AND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS VERY CLOSE)

JIMM: One of them has boarded our boat. Please don't search. Please don't search. This is the only place anyone can hide on this little boat. No. OK. OK. He's at the front. He…he wants to know why the skipper's tied by the ankle to the bollard. PI Meng's explaining that when the skipper gets plastered, he likes to throw himself overboard. The family spends hours searching for him. This is the only way to save him from himself.

SKIPPER: Shmmooou tttepbluappat.

JIMM: The guard's laughing. That might be a good sign. Oh…oh shit. He's speaking Burmese to Arny and Gaew. That's going to mess everything up. I have to lift this sheet a little to see what's…Oh, no.

(CAMERA FACES FORWARD TO CATCH A SCUFFLE BETWEEN ARNY AND THE GUARD. A SHOT IS FIRED FROM SOMEWHERE.)

JIMM: (CLOSE-UP. OUT OF BREATH.) I can't believe it. Arny went for the guard. Wrestled him. Even got the gun off him. Then someone in the boat beside us fired his rifle. PI Meng ran over to Arny with a big machete in his hand. He pulled Arny off, and it looks like he hit him over the head with the handle. Arny went down like a sack of soggy mice.

(CAMERA RETURNS TO THE ACTION. SLIGHTLY BLURRED SCENE OF GAEW RUNNING FROM HER SEAT AND THROWING HERSELF AT PI MENG. THEN PI KICKS HER TO THE GROUND AND STANDS OVER HER AS IF TO FINISH HER OFF WITH HIS MACHETE.)

BOSS: Hold it. Hold it.

(CAMERA RETURNS UNDER THE TARPAULIN. CLOSE-UP OF JIMM)

JIMM: There are boats all around us now. I think the other two have come to watch the show. This is all too much. It's happening too fast. Where the hell are Kow and Ed? Whose idea was all this? Oh my Lord. The boss is pacing around saying they were only supposed to have seventeen warm bodies. Nobody mentioned nineteen. Nobody mentioned nineteen. He'd have to call headquarters. It sounds like he's talking to himself. The crew have other suggestions.

CREW 1: I say, kill 'em. They're trouble already.

CREW 2: They look strong, though. Look at them muscles. We could get a lot of work out of 'em.

BOSS: Nobody does nothing till I sort this out with them in Lang Suan. If I get a definite seventeen, we shoot these two.

JIMM: The boss is calling land. It sounds like an open channel. If we're lucky, the reply will be loud enough to hear who he's talking to and what's said. But I don't know. There's a lot of static.

BOSS: R2 to base. R2 to base. Come in.

(PERIOD OF SILENCE)

(STATIC)

RECEIVER: Can't you boys do anything by yourselves? Don't you know I've got better things to do than sit by the radio all night?

JIMM: I know that voice.

BOSS: This is urgent.

RECEIVER: It's always urgent.

BOSS: Let me talk to your father.

RECEIVER: He's at dinner. What do you want?

BOSS: Can't you get him away from dinner?

RECEIVER: No. Who do you think you're talking to? You get your own little boat, and suddenly you think you're-

JIMM: The channel's shut down. The boss is angry.

BOSS: All right. Split 'em up. Put Shrek on my boat and Mrs. Shrek on Dan's. You! You get out of here and take your uncle with you. When he sobers up, tell him he's fired and he's lucky he's not fired at. And you and him don't mouth off to anyone. We know where you and your relatives live.

PI Meng: What about me?

BOSS: What about you?

PI Meng: I can do his job. I hate Burmese

BOSS: Get lost.

PI Meng: I've got me license and-

BOSS: Get lost or get dead.

PI Meng: Yes, sir.

JIMM: Meng's trying to kill time till our other two boats make their play. But it's not working. And we can't leave. I can hear other feet walking on our boat. They'll be teaming up to split Arny and Gaew. Of course, I can't let that happen. This is the moment. If this live telecast terminates in the next few minutes, and if anyone else in the world cares, we have been killed by Thai slavers operating off the coast of Chumphon. Don't let them get away with it. Don't rest until these people are found and punished. This whole, dispensable Burmese operation is being run out of the Southern Rescue Mission Foundation in Lang Suan. Voice-print checks on the woman we just heard over the radio will confirm that she is the receptionist there and is probably related to the founder. I'm going to expose myself now in the hope that I can briefly capture the faces of the leader of these villains and his crew on this camera. There are armed guards out there. Anything could go wrong. But let it be remembered that I…we all sacrificed our lives for our Burmese neighbors who are subjected to these terrors every day.

"Oh, come on, sibling," said Sissi. "Enough's enough. You're sounding like Miss World."

"Shh!" came a chorus from the Internet Tweeters.

"You said she can't see how many people are watching this," said Mair.

"She can't, not on her machine. But she must sense it. You can't have two million eyes on you and not feel the hairs stand up on the back of your neck."

"It's too much," said Mair. "We had a TV, you know."

"Will you two keep it down," said the mustache guy.

"You ever attempted to have a webcam removed from your nostril?" said Sissi. "Mair? What's this about the TV?"

"Just that we had one. Me and Jarooat."

"Who the…? Who's Jarooat?"

"You don't remember your own father's name?"

"My…? Why should I? I was only, what…four or five…when he left us? You never talked about him. I barely remember his face."