Colin Cotterill - Grandad, Thereэ's head on the beach

"Mair, this isn't a dating service."

"I know, but you did promise to make her look thinner."

"She'll have every man in the world drooling over her. She'll be a celebrity. It doesn't matter what you look like if you're a celebrity."

Mair looked at her daughter and touched the screen.

"Being a celebrity isn't like being a person," she said. "It's just another two-dimensional brick in the entertainment empire. It's temporary. I want her to find someone because she has a good heart."

"They'll see her heart, don't you worry. Look what she's doing. Heart's about all they're running on out there."

"Why's he naked?"

"Lady boys don't like being, you know, exposed. They're lost without their queer clothes, and…"

"What psychology book did you get that out of?"

"Everyone knows."

"Right."

Lieutenant Egg was standing in the doorway looking down at Chompu, who was handcuffed to the headboard by one wrist. It was a Home Art two-thousand baht bed, so if Chompu had been of a certain mind and musculature he could have destroyed the whole thing in seconds. As it was, he lay on the mattress with one manacled hand above him and the other on his genitals.

"And the bruises?" Egg asked.

"He resisted arrest," said Ben. Socrates sat on his own bed, watching. Both were now dressed in their fake police uniforms.

"You know, normally I'd say that was excessive violence," said Egg. "I'd say, 'You have a foe. You have a need to dispense with him. You do it cleanly and without personal animosity. It's a job.' But there are times when the would-be victim rubs you so far up the wrong way, you just want to make it last as long as you can."

Egg sat on the bed beside Chompu.

"Why didn't you gag him?"

"He hasn't said nothing," said Ben.

"Probably got a sore throat from all that man juice," said Socrates.

Egg grabbed Chompu's modesty hand and yanked it away from his organ.

"Well. You're well equipped for a lady boy, aren't you?" said Egg. "What a waste. And I bet your reporter girlfriend hasn't even seen it. Am I right? But as she's got the balls in this relationship, I wouldn't be surprised if you coming here was her idea. Yeah, you haven't got the sense to put all this together by yourself. This and all that filing-cabinet bullshit. You think I'd leave anything incriminating in a police station? Do you?"

Egg clicked his fingers, and Ben handed over his stiletto blade.

"And his cell phone," said Egg.

The rats went through the crumpled clothing on the floor and came up with the mobile. Egg scrolled through the numbers.

"OK. Here she is," he said.

He pressed the number and handed the phone to Chompu. At the same time he slowly slid the razor-sharp knife under the policeman's pride and joy.

"You get her here any way you can," said Egg. "But you make it sound innocent. You've got something to show her. I don't care how you do it. But one stupid comment and you'll be half the man you never were. You know what I mean?"

Chompu pressed the phone to his ear and coughed.

"Hello, Jimm? It's me. Can you hear me?…Yes, of course I got that Blue Streak DVD you asked for. But that's not why I'm calling. I've got good news. I broke into rug-head's house like we planned."

The knife lifted a few centimeters, as did Chompu's pitch.

"I mean, Lieutenant Egg's place…That's right. You remember where it is?…Third building after the hospital turn-off. Set back from the road. I've been looking around, and I found something you'd really want to see…Yes…Yes…That's correct. Can you get here soon? It's really urgent…Where are you?…OK. It should take you thirty minutes to get here then. Ring the doorbell. I'll come down and let you in…Right. I love you too."

He handed Egg the phone.

"You know?" said Egg. "You really are a little girly. You're a coward. I don't know who you twiddled with to get into our man's police force, or how the hell you got to the rank you are, but I'm ashamed to be wearing the same uniform as you."

"May I speak?" Chompu asked.

They all laughed.

"She's so polite," said Socrates.

"What?" asked Egg, drawing the knife face across Chompu's skin.

"You might have to put off killing me. She's going to call again when she arrives on the street. If she doesn't hear me, she won't come in."

"Don't worry," said Egg. "There are so many better ways to kill time than just doing away with you. That's far too quick."

He leaned over and punched Chompu in the face three times with all his might. The third blow broke the lieutenant's nose. Chompu didn't make a sound and didn't take his eyes off his attacker.

Sissi and Mair were interrupted by the wind-chime version of "Mamma Mia."

"What's that?" Sissi asked.

"It's Jimm's cell phone."

Sissi burrowed into her bag.

"Why's it in there?" Mair asked.

"Jimm thought she'd be out of cell-phone range soon so she left it with me to coordinate the ground troops. Do you know someone called Lieu?"

The name on the screen didn't mean anything to either of them. Sissi set the phone to speaker.

"Jimm's phone," she said.

"Hello, Jimm? It's me."

"Who's me?"

"Can you hear me?"

"Yes, but you don't seem to be hearing me. I'm not Jimm. I'm-"

"Yes, of course I got that Blue Streak DVD you asked for. But that's not why I'm calling. I've got good news. I broke into rug-head's house like we planned."

"It sounds like Chompu," whispered Mair.

"The gay cop?" asked Sissi. "Jimm said he'd be checking out that other lieutenant's house."

"I mean, Lieutenant Egg's place," Chompu continued.

"Are you in some kind of trouble?" Sissi asked.

"That's right. You remember where it is?"

"No."

"Third building after the hospital turn-off. Set back from the road. I've been looking around, and I found something you'd really want to see."

"Is somebody there with you?"

"Yes."

"OK. That's why you can't talk. Is the DVD relevant?"

"Yes."

"How many of them are there? One…two…three?"

"That's correct. Can you get here soon? It's really urgent."

"I'll try."

"Where are you?"

"At the Internet shop in Pak Nam."

"OK. It should take you thirty minutes to get here then. Ring the doorbell. I'll come down and let you in."

"Listen. Tell them I'm going to phone you again in twenty-five minutes just to make sure it's safe. That should keep you alive a little while longer."

"Right. I love you too."

"You should be so lucky."

Sissi turned off the phone and stared at her mother.

"It sounds serious."

"He's in trouble," Mair agreed. "Does the DVD mean anything to you?"

"Blue Streak. It was a Martin Lawrence movie. He impersonates a police officer."

"So, we should call the real police?"

"Except we don't know who it is who's impersonating a police officer, Mair. He might be at the police station. It might be a warning to stay away from the police. I'll have to do this myself."

"You certainly will not."

"Not what?"

"Do this by yourself. I'm not about to lose all my children and my father in one evening."

"It'll be dangerous."

"Have I not told you about the time I used a chair to beat off a knife-wielding drug addict?"

"You were younger then."

"It was last October."

"Even so."

"You are not going alone."

"All right. All right. But let's think about this. There are three of them. They're probably armed."

"Chompu's in an upstairs room."

"How do you know?"

"He said he'd come down to let us in."

"Well spotted. How long would it take us to get to the house from here?"

"No more than five minutes."

"Then why did he say…? OK. We need to come up with something soon. They'll be expecting Jimm in half an hour. If we can get there earlier, it should catch them by surprise."