Quintin Jardine - For The Death Of Me

‘How long did the marriage last?’

‘Seven years, though God knows how.’

‘How did it come to an end?’

‘I found out about her fling with the actor chap, Rory Roseberry. I learned later that he wasn’t the first. I was in the Crown Office at the time and she’d been playing numerous games while I was away prosecuting on the High Court circuit. Finally a brother advocate tipped me off. I decided to take action so I hired a private investigator.’ He grinned. ‘Believe it or not, I actually considered approaching you, but I was told that you didn’t do divorce work.’

‘Looking back,’ I told him, ‘I wish I had. The stuff I did was usually balls-achingly boring.’

‘I don’t believe that you mean that. You’re not the window-peeping type, Oz. I employed those chaps because I had to, but I detested them and what they did, not least because they seemed to enjoy it. They were good, though. They produced all the evidence I needed very quickly.’

‘How did you handle it?’

‘Brutally, I have to admit. I threw her out: we were living in my father’s Edinburgh flat at the time, since he’d retired to Florida by then. I changed the locks, and rented a small place for her.’

‘And the photographs?’

He sighed. ‘Yes, the photographs. Remember I said I wasn’t a regular party animal? Well, there was one time. We’d had some people in for dinner one Saturday night, at a period when things were okay, and we’d all had rather a lot to drink. The morning after I must still have been pissed, because when I got up. .’ He paused. ‘You know my old man was a judge too, don’t you?’

I nodded. ‘The first Lord January.’

‘That’s right. Well, thing is, he shouldn’t have done so, but he’d a set of Supreme Court robes in the wardrobe at home, and a wig. So I got up, then, in a mad whim, put the robes on as a dressing-gown, stuck the wig on my head, and lurched off for a pee. When I came back to the bedroom, Maddy yelled at me to stop, framed in the doorway, and fired off a couple of snaps. I laughed about it, I bloody laughed, but the thing was I was bollocknaked underneath. Worse than that, I had an. .’

‘Enough said. I take it that you’re entirely recognisable in the photos.’

‘Oh, yes. Photography was Madeleine’s principal hobby, apart from actors. She was rather good at it, I’m afraid.’

My devious mind was working fast, considering all the options. ‘Leave her aside for a moment,’ I told him. ‘What about the possibility that when the film was developed, a technician might have ripped off a couple of extra prints, and that they’ll show up in the News of the World the weekend before your installation?’

‘That’s highly unlikely. We went on holiday to Mauritius the following week. The film was finished off and developed out there. No, my fear is that Maddy still has the bloody things; in fact, I’m certain she has. You see when I chucked her out, I gathered all her possessions together and boxed them. That included her photographic collection, and rather obviously, the first thing I did was look for those two prints. I found them, all right, and reduced them to ashes, but when I looked through the negatives, I discovered that the vital strip was missing.’

‘Maybe she burned it herself.’

He shot me a look that made me fear for all the poor buggers who’d soon be appearing before him in the dock. ‘No chance,’ he murmured grimly.

‘Has she ever threatened you with them, specifically? Surely, if your divorce was hostile, she’d have been tempted to use them then?’

‘That would have been foolish, and foolish she certainly is not. Showing me up in the media wouldn’t have affected the outcome, and any attempt at blackmail would have landed her in the clink. At that time I’d have reported her to the police and taken out a fearsome interdict prohibiting publication in any form.’

‘Can’t you do that now?’

‘I could, but I’d have to establish a likelihood of publication, and I’d have to know who to interdict. Then there’s the Internet: it’s impossible to prevent something appearing on a rogue website. Besides, if I took preemptive action, the very fact would stir up the hornets.’

‘Look, are you sure you’re not exaggerating this?’

‘I’m sure. When Ellen and I were married, that card wasn’t the only thing she sent. I received an e-mail. No message, just two photographic attachments.’

‘I see.’ We were the only people left in the dining room. I looked at him. ‘You said you wanted my advice, Harvey.’

He seemed lost, more vulnerable than I could ever have imagined. ‘What should I do, Oz?’ he whispered. ‘I’m kicking myself for allowing my name to go forward with this problem unresolved. I’m kicking myself for not getting hold of those negatives, one way or another, and destroying them. I’m kicking myself for letting the bloody situation arise in the first place.’

‘Enough with the kicking, for Christ’s sake,’ I protested, ‘otherwise you’ll have me putting the boot into you too. What are your options?’

‘The way I see it, I don’t have any. I must withdraw. I can’t embarrass the Bench, but most of all I can’t embarrass Ellen, the boys, you, Mac. I can’t shame the family.’

I felt heart-sorry for him. I had grown to be very fond of my brother-in-law; it hurt me to see him so distraught, and when I get hurt, often I get angry. At that moment, Madeleine January moved right to the top of my get-even list.

‘That’s rubbish,’ I told him. ‘For a start, don’t worry about the Bench: I don’t need to remind you that it has a fairly recent history of embarrassing itself. As for the family. . I speak for it, for every single member, and I’m telling you that if you decline this honour, our disappointment in you would be far greater than any awkwardness caused by a bloody silly snapshot. You’re going to be installed, and you’re going to become as great a judge as everybody’s been predicting. Okay, what’s the worst case? Someone runs the picture with a large black stripe obscuring your dick. At least you were pointing it at a female at the time. That’ll probably come as a welcome relief to your fellow judges.’

He managed a weak grin at that one.

‘Harvey,’ I went on, ‘you might think you’re asking for my advice, but you’re not. What you really want is my help, and you’re going to get it.’

‘Oz, I couldn’t possibly ask you to involve yourself in this sordid business.’

‘You don’t have to. You’re my sister’s husband. What affects you affects her, even if she is likely to greet the news with a roar of laughter that would knock you over when you tell her. . as you must.’

‘But what can you do?’

‘As much as I can. For openers, I’m going to ask a woman named Alison Goodchild to call you. She’s the best media-relations consultant in town. You’ll brief her and she’ll put together a response for you, in the event that this nonsense does go public. It’ll be full and frank: I know from experience that you never gain by being evasive in circumstances like these. Once that’s under way, I’m going to find this ex of yours and I’m going to get those negatives from her.’

‘How?’

‘Quietly, very quietly, and very discreetly.’

‘But legally, Oz, it has to be legally.’

‘Harvey, I’m not going to steal the damn things, but if you’re worried about my methods, I’ll simply find the woman, then sit you and her down at the same table and let the pair of you sort it out.’

‘That wouldn’t work. I can’t tell you how vindictive Maddy can be: the very sight of me would trigger her off.’

‘Sounds like she’s well named.’

‘You could be right: there’s always been a crazy streak about her. That’s what attracted me in the first place.’ He glanced at me. ‘Maybe you can understand that.’