Dorothy Sayers - Whose Body?

«Dear me,» said the Duchess, «I hope the poor girl won't get into trouble.»

«Shouldn't think so,» said Lord Peter. «Thipps is the one that's going to get it in the neck. Besides, he's done a silly thing. I got that out of Sugg, too, though he was sittin' tight on the information. Seems Thipps got into a confusion about the train he took back from Manchester. Said first he got home at 10:30. Then they pumped Gladys Horrocks, who let out he wasn't back till after 11:45. Then Thipps, bein' asked to explain the discrepancy, stammers and bungles and says, first that he missed the train. Then Sugg makes enquiries at St. Pancras and discovers that he left a bag in the cloakroom there at ten. Thipps, again asked to explain, stammers worse an' says he walked about for a few hours — met a friend — can't say who — didn't meet a friend — can't say what he did with his time — can't explain why he didn't go back for his bag — can't say what time he did get in — can't explain how he got a bruise on his forehead. In fact, can't explain himself at all. Gladys Horrocks interrogated again. Says, this time, Thipps came in at 10:30. Then admits she didn't hear him come in. Can't say why she didn't hear him come in. Can't say why she said first of all that she did hear him. Bursts into tears. Contradicts herself. Everybody's suspicion roused. Quod 'em both.»

«As you put it, dear,» said the Duchess, «it all sounds very confusing, and not quite respectable. Poor little Mr. Thipps would be terribly upset by anything that wasn't respectable.»

«I wonder what he did with himself,» said Lord Peter thoughtfully. «I really don't think he was committing a murder. Besides, I believe the fellow has been dead a day or two, though it don't do to build too much on doctors' evidence. It's an entertainin' little problem.»

«Very curious, dear. But so sad about poor Sir Reuben. I must write a few lines to Lady Levy; I used to know her quite well, you know, dear, down in Hampshire, when she was a girl. Christine Ford, she was then, and I remember so well the dreadful trouble there was about her marrying a Jew. That was before he made his money, of course, in that oil business out in America. The family wanted her to marry Julian Freke, who did so well afterwards and was connected with the family, but she fell in love with this Mr. Levy and eloped with him. He was very handsome, then, you know, dear, in a foreign-looking way, but he hadn't any means, and the Fords didn't like his religion. Of course we're all Jews nowadays and they wouldn't have minded so much if he'd pretended to be something else, like that Mr. Simons we met at Mrs. Porchester's, who always tells everybody that he got his nose in Italy at the Renaissance, and claims to be descended somehow or other from La Bella Simonetta — so foolish, you know, dear — as if anybody believed it; and I'm sure some Jews are very good people, and personally I'd much rather they believed something, though of course it must be very inconvenient, what with not working on Saturdays and circumcising the poor little babies and everything depending on the new moon and that funny kind of meat they have with such a slang-sounding name, and never being able to have bacon for breakfast. Still, there it was, and it was much better for the girl to marry him if she was really fond of him, though I believe young Freke was really devoted to her, and they're still great friends. Not that there was ever a real engagement, only a sort of understanding with her father, but he's never married, you know, and lives all by himself in that big house next to the hospital, though he's very rich and distinguished now, and I know ever so many people have tried to get hold of him — there was Lady Mainwaring wanted him for that eldest girl of hers, though I remember saying at the time it was no use expecting a surgeon to be taken in by a figure that was all padding — they have so many opportunities of judging, you know, dear.»

«Lady Levy seems to have had the knack of makin' people devoted to her,» said Peter. «Look at the pea-green incorruptible Levy.»

«That's quite true, dear; she was a most delightful girl, and they say her daughter is just like her. I rather lost sight of them when she married, and you know your father didn't care much about business people, but I know everybody always said they were a model couple. In fact it was a proverb that Sir Reuben was as well loved at home as he was hated abroad. I don't mean in foreign countries, you know, dear — just the proverbial way of putting things — like 'a saint abroad and a devil at home' — only the other way on, reminding one of the Pilgrim's Progress .»

«Yes,» said Peter, «I daresay the old man made one or two enemies.»

«Dozens, dear — such a dreadful place, the City, isn't it? Everybody Ishmaels together — though I don't suppose Sir Reuben would like to be called that, would he? Doesn't it mean illegitimate, or not a proper Jew, anyway? I always did get confused with those Old Testament characters.»

Lord Peter laughed and yawned.

«I think I'll turn in for an hour or two,» he said. «I must be back in town at eight — Parker's coming to breakfast.»

The Duchess looked at the clock, which marked five minutes to three.

«I'll send up your breakfast at half past six, dear,» she said. «I hope you'll find everything all right. I told them just to slip a hot-water bottle in; those linen sheets are so chilly; you can put it out if it's in your way.»

« — So there it is, Parker,» said Lord Peter, pushing his coffee-cup aside and lighting his after-breakfast pipe; «you may find it leads you to something, though it don't seem to get me any further with my bathroom problem. Did you do anything more at that after I left?»

«No; but I've been on the roof this morning.»

«The deuce you have — what an energetic devil you are! I say, Parker, I think this co-operative scheme is an uncommonly good one. It's much easier to work on someone else's job than one's own — gives one that delightful feelin' of interferin' and bossin' about, combined with the glorious sensation that another fellow is takin' all one's own work off one's hands. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours, what? Did you find anything?»

«Not very much. I looked for any footmarks of course, but naturally, with all this rain, there wasn't a sign. Of course, if this were a detective story, there'd have been a convenient shower exactly an hour before the crime and a beautiful set of marks which could only have come there between two and three in the morning, but this being real life in a London November, you might as well expect footprints in Niagara. I searched the roofs right along — and came to the jolly conclusion that any person in any blessed flat in the blessed row might have done it. All the staircases open on to the roof and the leads are quite flat; you can walk along as easy as along Shaftesbury Avenue. Still, I've got some evidence that the body did walk along there.»

«What's that?»

Parker brought out his pocketbook and extracted a few shreds of material, which he laid before his friend.

«One was caught in the gutter just above Thipps's bathroom window, another in a crack of the stone parapet just over it, and the rest came from the chimney-stack behind, where they had caught in an iron stanchion. What do you make of them?»

Lord Peter scrutinized them very carefully through his lens.

«Interesting,» he said, «damned interesting. Have you developed those plates, Bunter?» he added, as that discreet assistant came in with the post.

«Yes, my lord.»

«Caught anything?»

«I don't know whether to call it anything or not, my lord,» said Bunter, dubiously. «I'll bring the prints in.»