Dorothy Sayers - Whose Body?

«Wimsey,» said Parker, «you are making me feel cold all over.» He emptied his glass — stared at it as though he were surprised to find it empty. set it down, got up, walked across to the bookcase, turned round, stood with his back against it and said:

«Look here, Wimsey — you've been reading detective stories, you're talking nonsense.»

«No, I ain't,» said Lord Peter, sleepily, «uncommon good incident for a detective story, though, what? Bunter, we'll write one, and you shall illustrate it with photographs.»

«Soap in his — Rubbish!» said Parker. «It was something else — some discoloration — »

«No,» said Lord Peter, «there were hairs as well. Bristly ones. He had a beard.»

He took his watch from his pocket, and drew out a couple of longish, stiff hairs, which he had imprisoned between the inner and the outer case.

Parker turned them over once or twice in his fingers, looked at them close to the light, examined them with a lens, handed them to the impassible Bunter, and said:

«Do you mean to tell me, Wimsey, that any man alive would» —he laughed harshly — «shave off his beard with his mouth open, and then go and get killed with his mouth full of hairs? You're mad.»

«I don't tell you so,» said Wimsey. «You policemen are all alike — only one idea in your skulls. Blest if I can make out why you're ever appointed. He was shaved after he was dead. Pretty, ain't it? Uncommonly jolly little job for the barber, what? Here, sit down, man, and don't be an ass, stumpin' about the room like that. Worse things happen in war. This is only a blinkin' old shillin' shocker. But I'll tell you what, Parker, we're up against a criminal — the criminal — the real artist and blighter with imagination — real, artistic, finished stuff. I'm enjoyin' this, Parker.»

Lord Peter finished a Scarlatti sonata, and sat looking thoughtfully at his own hands. The fingers were long and muscular, with wide, flat joints and square tips. When he was playing, his rather hard grey eyes softened, and his long, indeterminate mouth hardened in compensation. At no other time had he any pretensions to good looks, and at all times he was spoilt by a long, narrow chin, and a long, receding forehead, accentuated by the brushed-back sleekness of his tow-coloured hair. Labour papers, softening down the chin, caricatured him as a typical aristocrat.

«That's a wonderful instrument,» said Parker.

«It ain't so bad,» said Lord Peter, «but Scarlatti wants a harpsichord. Piano's too modern — all thrills and overtones. No good for our job, Parker. Have you come to any conclusion?»

«The man in the bath,» said Parker, methodically, «was not a well-off man careful of his personal appearance. He was a labouring man, unemployed, but who had only recently lost his employment. He had been tramping about looking for a job when he met with his end. Somebody killed him and washed him and scented him and shaved him in order to disguise him, and put him into Thipps's bath without leaving a trace. Conclusion: the murderer was a powerful man, since he killed him with a single blow on the neck, a man of cool head and masterly intellect, since he did all that ghastly business without leaving a mark, a man of wealth and refinement, since he had all the apparatus of an elegant toilet handy, and a man of bizarre, and almost perverted imagination, as is shown in the two horrible touches of putting the body in the bath and of adorning it with a pair of pince-nez.»

«He is a poet of crime,» said Wimsey. «By the way, your difficulty about the pince-nez is cleared up. Obviously, the pince-nez never belonged to the body.»

«That only makes a fresh puzzle. One can't suppose the murderer left them in that obliging manner as a clue to his own identity.»

«We can hardly suppose that; I'm afraid this man possessed what most criminals lack — a sense of humour.»

«Rather macabre humour.»

«True. But a man who can afford to be humourous at all in such circumstances is a terrible fellow. I wonder what he did with the body between the murder and depositing it chez Thipps. Then there are more questions. How did he get it there? And why? Was it brought in at the door, as Sugg of our heart suggests? or through the window, as we think, on the not very adequate testimony of a smudge on the window-sill? Had the murderer accomplices? Is little Thipps really in it, or the girl? It don't do to put the notion out of court merely because Sugg inclines to it. Even idiots occasionally speak the truth accidentally. If not, why was Thipps selected for such an abominable practical joke? Has anybody got a grudge against Thipps? Who are the people in the other flats? We must find out that. Does Thipps play the piano at midnight over their heads or damage the reputation of the staircase by bringing home dubiously respectable ladies? Are there unsuccessful architects thirsting for his blood? Damn it all, Parker, there must be a motive somewhere. Can't have a crime without a motive, you know.»

«A madman — » suggested Parker, doubtfully.

«With a deuced lot of method in his madness. He hasn't made a mistake — not one, unless leaving hairs in the corpse's mouth can be called a mistake. Well, anyhow, it's not Levy — you're right there. I say, old thing, neither your man nor mine has left much clue to go upon, has he? And there don't seem to be any motives knockin' about, either. And we seem to be two suits of clothes short in last night's work. Sir Reuben makes tracks without so much as a fig-leaf, and a mysterious individual turns up with a pince-nez, which is quite useless for purposes of decency. Dash it all! If only I had some good excuse for takin' up this body case officially — »

The telephone bell rang. The silent Bunter, whom the other two had almost forgotten, padded across to it.

«It's an elderly lady, my lord,» he said, «I think she's deaf — I can't make her hear anything, but she's asking for your lordship.»

Lord Peter seized the receiver, and yelled into it a «Hullo!» that might have cracked the vulcanite. He listened for some minutes with an incredulous smile, which gradually broadened into a grin of delight. At length he screamed, «All right! all right!» several times, and rang off.

«By Jove!» he announced, beaming, «sportin' old bird! It's old Mrs. Thipps. Deaf as a post. Never used the 'phone before. But determined. Perfect Napoleon. The incomparable Sugg has made a discovery and arrested little Thipps. Old lady abandoned in the flat. Thipps's last shriek to her, “Tell Lord Peter Wimsey.” Old girl undaunted. Wrestles with telephone book. Wakes up the people at the exchange. Won't take no for an answer (not bein' able to hear it), gets through, says, “Will I do what I can?” Says she would feel safe in the hands of a real gentleman. Oh, Parker, Parker! I could kiss her, I reely could, as Thipps says. I'll write to her instead — no, hang it, Parker, we'll go round. Bunter, get your infernal machine and the magnesium. I say, we'll all go into partnership — pool the two cases and work 'em out together. You shall see my body to-night, Parker, and I'll look for your wandering Jew to-morrow. I feel so happy, I shall explode. O Sugg, Sugg, how art thou suggified! Bunter, my shoes. I say, Parker, I suppose yours are rubber-soled. Not? Tut, tut, you mustn't go out like that. We'll lend you a pair. Gloves? Here. My stick, my torch, the lampblack, the forceps, knife, pill-boxes — all complete?»

«Certainly, my lord.»

«Oh, Bunter, don't look so offended. I mean no harm. I believe in you, I trust you — what money have I got? That'll do. I knew a man once, Parker, who let a world-famous poisoner slip through his fingers, because the machine on the Underground took nothing but pennies. There was a queue at the booking office and the man at the barrier stopped him, and while they were arguing about accepting a five-pound-note (which was all he had) for a twopenny ride to Baker Street, the criminal had sprung into a Circle train, and was next heard of in Constantinople, disguised as an elderly Church of England clergyman touring with his niece. Are we all ready? Go!»