Agatha Christie - The Secret of Chimneys

'Gentleman Joe!'

'Why, if it isn't old Jimmy McGrath.'

Castle's Select Tour, represented by seven depressed-looking females and three perspiring males, looked on with considerable interest. Evidently their Mr Cade had met an old friend. They all admired Mr Cade so much, his tall lean figure, his sun-tanned face, the light-hearted manner with which he settled disputes and cajoled them all into good temper. This friend of his now - surely rather a peculiar-looking man. About the same height as Mr Cade, but thick-set and not nearly so good-looking. The sort of man one read about in books, who probably kept a saloon. Interesting though. After all, that was what one came abroad for - to see all these peculiar things one read about in books. Up to now they had been rather bored with Bulawayo. The sun was unbearably hot, the hotel was uncomfortable, there seemed to be nowhere particular to go until the moment should arrive to motor to the Matoppos. Very fortunately, Mr Cade had suggested picture postcards. There was an excellent supply of picture postcards.

Anthony Cade and his friend had stepped a little apart.

'What the hell are you doing with this pack of females?' demanded McGrath. 'Starting a harem?'

'Not with this little lot,' grinned Anthony. 'Have you taken a good look at them?'

'I have that. Thought maybe you were losing your eye-sight -'

'My eyesight's as good as ever it was. No, this is a Castle's Select Tour. I'm Castle - the local Castle, I mean.'

'What the hell made you take on a job like that?'

'A regrettable necessity for cash. I can assure you it doesn't suit my temperament.'

Jimmy grinned.

'Never a hog for regular work, were you?'

Anthony ignored this aspersion.

'However, something will turn up soon, I expect,' he remarked hopefully. 'It usually does.'

Jimmy chuckled.

'If there's any trouble brewing, Anthony Cade is sure to be in it sooner or later, I know that,' he said. 'You've an absolute instinct for rows - and the nine lives of a cat. When can we have a yarn together?'

Anthony sighed.

'I've got to take these cackling hens to see Rhodes' grave.'

'That's the stuff,' said Jimmy approvingly. 'They'll come back bumped black and blue with the ruts in the road, and clamouring for bed to rest the bruises on. Then you and I will have a spot or two and exchange the news.'

'Right. So long, Jimmy.'

Anthony rejoined his flock of sheep. Miss Taylor, the youngest and most skittish of the party, instantly attacked him. 'Oh, Mr Cade, was that an old friend of yours?'

'It was, Miss Taylor. One of the friends of my blameless youth.'

Miss Taylor giggled. 'I thought he was such an interesting-looking man.'

'I'll tell him you said so.'

'Oh, Mr Cade, how can you be so naughty! The very idea! What was that name he called you?'

'Gentleman Joe?'

'Yes. Is your name Joe?'

'I thought you knew it was Anthony, Miss Taylor.'

'Oh, go on with you!' cried Miss Taylor coquettishly.

Anthony had by now well mastered his duties. In addition to making the necessary arrangements of travel, they included soothing down irritable old gentlemen when their dignity was ruffled, seeing that elderly matrons had ample opportunities to buy picture postcards, and flirting with everything under a catholic forty years of age. The last task was rendered easier for him by the extreme readiness of the ladies in question to read a tender meaning into his most innocent remarks.

Miss Taylor returned to the attack. 'Why does he call you Joe, then?'

'Oh, just because it isn't my name.'

'And why Gentleman Joe?'

'The same kind of reason.'

'Oh, Mr Cade,' protested Miss Taylor, much distressed, 'I'm sure you shouldn't say that. Papa was only saying last night what gentlemanly manners you had.'

'Very kind of your father, I'm sure, Miss Taylor.'

'And we are all agreed that you are quite the gentleman.'

'I'm overwhelmed.'

'No, really, I mean it.'

'Kind hearts are more than coronets,' said Anthony vaguely, without a notion of what he meant by the remark, and wishing fervently it was lunchtime.

'That's such a beautiful poem, I always think. Do you know much poetry, Mr Cade?'

'I might recite "The boy stood on the burning deck" at a pinch. "The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled." That's all I know, but I can do that bit with action if you like. "The boy stood on the burning deck -" whoosh - whoosh - whoosh - (the flames, you see) "Whence all but he had fled -" for that bit I run to and fro like a dog.'

Miss Taylor screamed with laughter.

'Oh, do look at Mr Cade! Isn't he funny?'

'Time for morning tea,' said Anthony briskly. 'Come this way. There is an excellent café in the next street.'

'I presume,' said Mrs Caldicott in her deep voice, 'that the expense is included in the Tour?'

'Morning tea, Mrs Caldicott,' said Anthony, assuming his professional manner, 'is an extra.'

'Disgraceful.'

'Life is full of trials, isn't it?' said Anthony cheerfully.

Mrs Caldicott's eyes gleamed, and she remarked with the air of one springing a mine:

'I suspected as much, and in anticipation I poured off some tea into a jug at breakfast this morning! I can heat that up on the spirit-lamp. Come, Father.'

Mr and Mrs Caldicott sailed off triumphantly to the hotel, the lady's back complacent with successful forethought.

'Oh, Lord,' muttered Anthony, 'what a lot of funny people it does take to make a world.'

He marshalled the rest of the party in the direction of the café. Miss Taylor kept by his side, and resumed her catechism. 'Is it a long time since you saw your friend?'

'Just over seven years.'

'Was it in Africa you knew him?'

'Yes, not this part, though. The first time I ever saw Jimmy McGrath he was all trussed up ready for the cooking pot. Some of the tribes in the interior are cannibals, you know. We got there just in time.'

'What happened?'

'Very nice little shindy. We potted some of the beggars, and the rest took to their heels.'

'Oh, Mr Cade, what an adventurous life you must have led!'

'Very peaceful, I assure you.'

But it was clear that the lady did not believe him.

It was about ten o'clock that night when Anthony Cade walked into the small room where Jimmy McGrath was busy manipulating various bottles.

'Make it strong, James,' he implored. 'I can tell you, I need it.'

'I should think you did, my boy. I wouldn't take on that job of yours for anything.'

'Show me another, and I'll jump out of it fast enough.'

McGrath poured out his own drink, tossed it off with a practised hand and mixed a second one. Then he said slowly: 'Are you in earnest about that, old son?'

'About what?'

'Chucking this job of yours if you could get another?'

'Why? You don't mean to say that you've got a job going begging? Why don't you grab it yourself?'

'I have grabbed it - but I don't much fancy it, that's why I'm trying to pass it on to you.'

Anthony became suspicious.

'What's wrong with it? They haven't engaged you to teach in a Sunday school, have they?'

'Do you think anyone would choose me to teach in a Sunday school?'

'Not if they knew you well, certainly.'

'It's a perfectly good job - nothing wrong with it whatsoever.'

'Not in South America by any lucky chance? I've rather got my eye on South America. There's a very tidy little revolution coming off in one of those little republics soon.'

McGrath grinned. 'You always were keen on revolutions - anything to be mixed up in a really good row.'

'I feel my talents might be appreciated out there. I tell you, Jimmy, I can be jolly useful in a revolution - to one side or the other. It's better than making an honest living any day.'