Lindsey Davis - Enemies at Home

‘They didn’t fool you then … Still, I assume you do have villains around here who occasionally climb into apartments and remove important property?’

‘Plenty.’

‘Care to suggest names? I like to supply detail. Then my employer thinks I have been thorough.’ Actually, I like to be thorough in fact, so any details I supply to a client are correct.

Titianus listed some Esquiline ne’er-do-wells, each time asserting that these were small-fry no-hopers who would not touch serious bullion even if they came across it hanging on a washing line, let alone would they go out deliberately targeting fine drinksware. Nobody here wanted to steal anything that would be recognisable. According to Titianus, this was because the crafty vigiles would come calling while the thieves were still in possession of the goods.

According to me, that was cobnuts.

‘Somebody is in possession of the pierced silver wine strainers and the dinky goat-legged coaster set!’ Titianus looked puzzled that I could itemise the stolen goods. I almost expected him to start writing down what I said; I felt pretty sure he had never made a list himself. ‘So who is the big octopus on the Esquiline rocks?’ He shrugged. ‘Come on, Titianus, share your expertise. Which gangster has the fattest file of case notes in the scroll cupboard, yet no arrests are made − or if they ever do go to the praetor and onwards to court, somehow no prosecutions stick?’ Titianus remained boot-faced. ‘Who are all the other villains afraid of, Titianus? Who dares brazenly kill, in the process of another crime?’

‘Could be the Rabirii.’ He answered straightaway, now I spelled it out for him. He could have told me in the first place.

‘So have you pulled the Rabirii in for questioning?’

‘Of course not,’ snarled Titianus. ‘They would only deny it. Then their barristers would take my tribune for a drink and suddenly I would lose my job. The Rabirii would visit my old mother and make her cry. If they were particularly annoyed, they’d write foul messages about my sexual habits on a Forum wall.’

I smiled at him gently. ‘I understand. But I expect your ma would give them a seeing to … Mothers tend to be tough. So,’ I nagged, refusing to give up, ‘Titianus, if I want to have a word with the deadly Rabirii, where shall I find these exciting master crooks?’

Titianus spent the next few minutes telling me I was out of my mind, with colourful details of what led to his diagnosis. ‘Are you so bored with life you want to be found in pieces on a rubbish dump?’ Uncle Quintus put his head back around the door, looking interested.

Once the officer simmered down in senatorial company, Quintus spoke sympathetically. ‘It’s very good of you to care so much about Flavia Albia’s welfare, Titianus … Tell me, if you very sensibly wouldn’t go anywhere near these muckers, does the Second Cohort have a man who does? Someone who has annoyed your tribune so much the poor fellow has been deployed as your organised crime liaison officer? I know it’s usual to assign specialist oversight.’

‘That will be a new concept for the Second Cohort!’ I scoffed.

In his clean upper-class accent, Camillus Justinus tutted mild reproof at me, then greased up Titianus who turned out to be a sucker for charm, and soon had us in an office further down the barracks portico where a different vigiles layabout, with a hunted expression and his boots held together with string, told us it was too dangerous for us to know his name.

His name was Juventus. He had scratched it on his metal mess tin. Without actually winking, my uncle subtly let me know he could see it too.

The anonymous one sucked his teeth and confirmed that the Rabirii were the chief local professionals. If anything major happened, they would be behind it; no other gang would dare to invade their territory.

‘They are a family firm, long line of descent from other career criminals — bloody born to it. Embedded in the Esquiline. They rule by fear. It’s nothing to them to batter someone senseless. A lad of ours had his eye put out when he arrested one of their runners for nicking purses — he didn’t know it was a Rabirius associate. Old man Rabirius said he ought to make it his business to know, though in fairness the old bugger did give us a big donation afterwards for the widows and orphans fund.’

‘I expect your lad was happy with that,’ said Justinus, the sly beast. The half-blinded vigilis would have received no compensation, in fact. Widows and orphans were scarcely looked after either, well, not unless the widow was pretty. ‘So would this gang carry out violent house-breaking?’

‘Meat and drink to them. They always know who owns antiques or gilt goblets, who bought a new Greek statue last week, who gave an emerald necklace to his mistress who is careless about locking doors.’

‘Ever killed a householder before?’

‘Certainly not, legate. Why would they need to? Anyone who has heard about the jeweller being poked up the arse with a red hot fire-iron because he tried to stop them grabbing his oriental pearls, just quivers in a corner and lets them walk away with whatever they want. People who think they are about to be a target make sure they go out to dinner and stay away until dawn.’

‘Wouldn’t they go out to dinner and put their valuables in a safe place?’ asked my uncle.

‘No, if you’re targeted it’s better to give in and hand them over. I heard about one man who actually packed up his stuff all ready for them, with helpful labels, and left them a donkey to carry it. Including a driver!’

Justinus whistled quietly. ‘And what strategy are you using to tackle this gang?’

‘Strategy?’ asked Juventus.

‘Operation Bandit King. What’s your action plan?’

The so-called special liaison officer still looked blank.

I thought about my other uncle, Lucius Petronius of the Fourth Cohort, who spent decades trying to bring the hated Balbinus-Florius gang to justice; he had to give up on them, exhausted, when he retired. But he knew what an action plan was. He nagged tribune after tribune to commit funds for such initiatives. A Rome-wide crime-busting scheme, Operation Bandit King had been first set up by Uncle Petro.

Fortunately for Juventus, Camillus Justinus could hide his disapproval of incompetence. I myself pretended to believe Juventus must be diligently monitoring the Rabirius gang so I asked if he could advise us how to make contact.

He was not prepared to come along and introduce us, but in line with vigiles practice, he released one minimum fact: he gave us the name of a bar.

‘Hmm!’ Quintus sized up the place we had been sent to. ‘Pretty moulded acanthus on their lintel, but let’s not be fooled by leaves. This is the kind of thermopolium your colourful father would nickname the Itchy Bum.’

‘He’s never so rude.’

‘Think so? You surprise me!’

We had come straight here from the station house. Otherwise we would have been expected. Inevitably, Titianus, Juventus or some other member of the Second Cohort would have tipped off the gang as a favour. We wanted to do this on our own terms — so we had to get here first.

Justinus might be my mother’s favourite brother, but Helena Justina would thwack him with excoriating rhetoric if she knew he had let me come on this mission. Neither he nor I mentioned that, but it made us both nervous.

The Galatea (its proper name) stood in a quiet side street. You probably think thieves lurk down a dangerous alley, something with a sinister atmosphere; in fact they are just like the rest of us and prefer to drink at a respectable bar with nice tubs of laurels that actually get watered. Calling it the Galatea didn’t mean the owners were interested in myths about statues coming to life, it was an excuse for a sign showing a nude woman.