Alys Clare - Music of the Distant Stars

‘So where is he?’ Sir Alain repeated. He sounded angry.

Zarina raised her chin. ‘I have not seen him since yesterday evening.’

Was she telling the truth or was she trying to protect her brother? I searched her face, trying to decide.

‘Explain.’ Sir Alain’s single word bit through the tense atmosphere.

‘Derman went to bed as usual yesterday evening after supper. We eat and retire for the night early, for our day’s work is hard. This morning he did not appear for breakfast and so I went to call him, thinking he had overslept. He was not there.’

‘His bed had been slept in?’ Sir Alain demanded.

Zarina shrugged. ‘It is hard to say. Probably, yes.’

‘So he ran away some time during the night. .’

Quick as a flash Zarina pounced. ‘Who says he has run away? All I said was that I had not seen him today.’

He stared at her, after a moment grunting his agreement. ‘Very well. If he comes back, I want to see him. You can find me up at Lakehall. I am Alain de Villequier.’

‘I know who you are, sir,’ Zarina replied levelly. ‘When my brother comes home, I will send word.’

I had to admire her. She had neatly altered if to when and, by saying she would send word, she had subtly implied that she had no intention of presenting either herself or her brother to Sir Alain at the hall.

Sir Alain seemed about to speak. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d issued a harsh reminder of his and Zarina’s relative places in the hierarchy. Apparently thinking better of it, he spun round, ducked under the doorway’s low lintel and strode away.

Zarina maintained her straight-backed pose until he was out of sight. Then she fell into my arms.

Edild watched as carefully I helped Zarina to her cot, sitting down beside her, her hand in mine. Then she said, ‘Where is he, Zarina?’

She shook her head. ‘Truly, I do not know!’

‘But there is something you do know that you did not reveal?’

Zarina met her eyes. ‘Of course!’

Edild smiled faintly. ‘Go on.’

Zarina’s hand was clutching convulsively at mine. Her grip was strong, and it hurt. ‘Lassair brought him home early yesterday,’ she said. Edild shot me an accusing glance, and I recalled that, what with everything that had happened, I’d forgotten to tell her. Or maybe something in me had stopped me, as if the fact of explaining to Edild where I’d found him and what I suspected made what I feared more real. ‘He’d been crying,’ Zarina was saying. ‘I gave him some food, then tried to find out what had upset him. He refused to tell me at first, then he started sobbing and saying something about a dead girl and how she was lying in the grave, and then he began this awful howling, as if he were in pain, and I made him drink some of that stuff you gave me.’ She looked up at Edild, and I guessed she was referring to a sedative of some sort. It would be useful to have a sedative if you had to deal with a big, strong child-man like Derman.

‘He slept then?’

‘He dozed, but he was very restless. Then he got up and came to help me till it was time for dinner. He ate a bit, although not much, then he went to bed.’ She stifled a sob. ‘That’s the last I saw of him.’

Edild now crouched down so that her eyes were level with Zarina’s. ‘A young woman is dead,’ she said gently. ‘Her name was Ida, and she was a seamstress working for a relation of Lord Gilbert’s, who is staying with him up at the hall. It’s said that Derman took a fancy to Ida, that he used to lie in wait for her and left her little offerings. He-’

‘Yes, I know,’ Zarina said calmly. ‘Well, I knew there was someone, although I didn’t know who. I’ve talked it over with Haward and his mother. They’re both very worried too.’

Edild’s eyes bored into mine. I could hear her voice in my head: something else you didn’t see fit to tell me! I was going to have quite a lot of explaining to do. Then, turning back to Zarina, she said, ‘Where do you think he has gone? Is there any place you know of where he goes if he’s upset?’

Zarina shook her head. ‘It’s very unlike him to venture far away from me,’ she said. ‘It’s how I guessed about this girl he fancied — because he started disappearing. I followed him one day and spotted her, and when I challenged him he admitted it.’ She shook her head again, more slowly. ‘All I can think of is that he’s gone to the places he used to see her. Maybe he doesn’t understand she’s dead and is trying to find her. I was going to go and look, soon as this lot’s done.’ She indicated a basket of dirty laundry awaiting her attention.

Edild rose to her feet. ‘We will go, Lassair and I,’ she announced.

Zarina looked up at her, gratitude flooding her face. ‘Will you? That’s most kind, and I’m very grateful.’ I made as if to rise, but she clutched my hand. ‘Wait!’ she hissed.

‘Edild, I’ll catch you up,’ I said to my aunt. She raised a questioning eyebrow but, bless her, did not object. I watched her walk away, then whispered, ‘What is it, Zarina?’

‘I’m very worried, Lassair!’ she whispered back.

Shocked, I said, ‘You really think he could have harmed Ida?’

‘No, no, I know he couldn’t have done any such thing!’ Her protest was heartfelt, but then she was his sister and had apparently spent her life looking after him.

‘What is it that worries you, then?’

She sat quietly for a moment, staring into the distance. Then she said, ‘You know Haward wants to marry me?’

‘Yes, and I’m very glad,’ I replied.

She smiled. ‘Thank you. But it’s not as simple as him asking and me saying yes. There’s Derman.’

Yes. There was Derman. ‘What does he think about the marriage?’

‘He’s not-’ She stopped herself. I don’t know why, but I had the distinct impression she had just bitten back something very important. Then instead she said, ‘Lassair, because of Derman I can’t marry Haward.’

Whatever she had been about to say, it couldn’t have been worse that what she did say. Horrified, I protested, ‘But he loves you! He really does, Zarina, and you’re the only woman who’s ever really loved him back! You-’

She put up her hand and gently laid it across my lips. ‘I know, Lassair. I love him too, with all my heart. But Derman’s-’ Again she broke off. After a moment she resumed. ‘Derman is my responsibility. He is as he is, and it’s hard living with him. I ought to know,’ she added bitterly, instantly adding, ‘It’s not his fault, and he’s not bad, not really. There’s no evil in him, that I’ll swear.’

‘Then why-’

‘I cannot inflict Derman on anybody else,’ Zarina said simply. ‘Haward says it doesn’t matter, that his — your — family will accept him, but I can’t see how it’d work. Your parents live in that lovely little house that your mother keeps so neat and tidy, and that’s where Haward will take his wife, at least till he can build a home of his own. Can you see Derman there, Lassair?’

‘Yes I can!’ I said stoutly.

Zarina laughed. ‘That’s because you don’t live there yourself,’ she said kindly and, I have to admit, accurately. ‘The day Derman and I moved in would be the ruin of your mother and the family,’ she went on, her voice serious now. ‘I really like your mother, and I won’t do that to her. Besides, it’s impossible anyway, as I said, because — well, it’s not going to happen.’

I sat there holding her hand, listening to the echoes of her voice. Then I leaned over, kissed her and got up. As I went out, I turned and said, ‘We’ll see.’

Then I hurried off after Edild.

We searched for a long time. We covered the ground all the way from Lakehall to the lonely island where Granny lay in her grave. We criss-crossed here and there, venturing off the tracks and the paths, following the winding waterways and creeping right up to the water’s edge to stare down into the black mere. We found no sign of Derman. If he was really out there, looking in vain for his dead love, then he had hidden himself so well that we could not find him.